Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

Agreed. His parents should be coming down on him like a ton of bricks.

He would be getting jack shit from me. At 14 he is old enough to know you never punch your grandmother in the stomach. You had done nothing wrong.
This child will grow up to stab or shoot someone and beat women. You mark my words.
I dont give gifts to people who punch me, refuse to say sorry and then tell me that they hate me.
His parents should be ashamed of themselves.

And you have no reason to reproach yourself for slapping him. You were defending yourself , he could well have followed through with another punch or a kick.
You should definitely not apologise to him— that will only make him think he can do what he likes, he can make himself the victim.
I hope you’re ok. If either of my dc or any dgc behaved like this they’d have felt the full force of the law.

I'm guessing S at the end of this post means sarcasm! 😁

a reflexive slap to someone who punched you isn't unthinkable. I know i probably would too. Unless that person was tiny. Or really much much bigger than me.

Actions have consequences. the 8yo piping op about consequences for misbehaving was being an 8yo so, meh, but understandable.

In the parents shoes, i would have asked him to apologise to you at the time you apologised, for punching you. And i would be investigating with him and you, separately about what had gone on leading up to that.

The fact that they have done nothing in a month reflects badly on them. There would be a card from me for the birthday, reiterating that i was sorry for the slap which was a reflex to being punched. And that when he felt he could come and apologise in person he could collect his gift.

He punched you, his gran. He's a vile boy and no wonder you hit him back. Id of done the same it's a reaction from being hit. To the poster who thinks your bad for hitting back I bet my bottom dollar she would of hit back too.

This isn’t a fall out. The horrid little shit assaulted you. Hope he feels good about himself, punching a much older woman in the gut.
Sorry, I lost my own gran last year and would personally have ripped apart anyone who did this to her with my bare hands (and I have never laid a hand on anyone).

Fucking hell. I wouldn't have apologised to him first, nor would he be getting anything other than a card from me for his birthday.

The reason he hasn't said sorry is because he doesn't think he has done anything wrong. Fuck that.

Yes, the thought of my brother punching my grandmother is unthinkable. I knew quite a few kids from tough backgrounds as a kid, but I can’t imagine even them punching their Nan! He sounds like vile, spoiled little brat.

He punched you in the stomach - ffs what has he done to try and put this right and what about his parents. If someone punched me in the stomach I doubt id stand by and not retaliate, it could well be he hasn't had a retaliation before

No present will make things worse, perhaps irreparable.

Id get him a charity present - water for the poor in Africa
https://shop.wateraid.org/collections/charity-gift-cards

Please ignore this post- it's not helpful. Possibly the poster missed the part about you being hit.

You write as if anyone would want to see your (hopefully hypothetical) violent thug of a child again. 😂

The little shitbag deserved a slap and you should not have apologised. No card, no present, no contact until he grovels for your forgiveness. Can’t believe some of these responses on here.

Well, we've found the parent that lets her kids act violently and abusively without restraint.

Seriously, that is some of the worse advice I have ever read on here..complete an utter nonsense.

If that had been a random 14 year old stranger punching you in the street you would have called the police.

I'm not sure what you can do really if the parents have made no effort to mediate and get him to apologise, other than writing him out of your will. Certainly don't buy him a birthday gift.

There’s obviously a serious, serious problem, I would not be trying to punish him by withholding a birthday present unless you just want him to withdraw further from you.

14 is still a child. He lost control. Why? What’s going on for him. This is the pragmatic question to ask if you want to repair. If you just want to be right and sod the relationship then that’s a lot easier, ignore him, withhold affection and tell him he’s a little shit via your words and deeds. I strongly get the sense that you really care about him and want to do the right thing though

Yes he needs to feel healthy shame and understand this is unacceptable, but this is such a huge overstep he has done and also you hitting him (understandably! But it is indeed likely to form part of a permanent scar in your relationship unless you are very skilful now) He’s going to need some help to get to this point

brushing it under the carpet is not a good idea. Ultimately, if I think it needs to be sorted out with professional help. CAPA first response-I go on about them constantly because they are so skilful at helping families deal with violence and a lot of it is deeply counterintuitive

A controversial comment was made earlier including that this could be the beginning of him spiralling downwards, and she is absolutely right, he should not have done it but this could be the start of a horrible chain of events, I’ve seen it and lived it myself with my own boy. If I was you, I would tell him that you love him unconditionally, you really are sorry for hitting him and you know how awful it is to loose control, and he would like to repair when he is ready because you know he is a good kid, and then try to have a serious conversation with his parents about getting some appropriate professional intervention such as referral to CAPA (they can do this themselves) or you may be able to self refer if they won’t.

I’m really sorry, you got punched, that must’ve been so distressing and shocking. good luck, stay kind and adult, be someone who helps him feel safe as this is necessary for him to truly feel remorse. Don’t bother about trying to get an apology, if it’s not a natural one, it’s not worth anything I will just make him more resentful.

I’m not surprised you did what you did as I think it was a reflex action.

He’s a nasty child/teenager and his parents should manage his behaviour better. His parents definitely need to look into why he’s done this. Actually he needs anger management classes. It’s not really ok for him to shout and swear at you either.

He wouldn’t get a present off me.

You are the adult and you slapped him around the face. Why would you apologise then punish him for not forgiving you?

So sorry to read this OP you must be so upset, I definitely can understand your reaction, he should be apologising to you as to do that to you is disgusting. I would maybe write to him say you love him but there’s no way you can condone that behaviour and then leave the ball in his court, please don’t apologise to him you did no wrong. I just can’t understand his parents lack of reaction they should be devastated and taking very strong measures to punish him.

It sounds to me like there are huge problems with the family and possibly between the siblings and you got horribly caught in the middle. You reacted to his behaviour instinctively and it's completely understandable. But if you want to move on then I think you as the adult have to find a way for that to happen, if you don't then that's your choice too of course - but I think this child probably really needs you in their life.

I would write in his card that you really enjoyed the day you spent with him on the outing and you hope that can be repeated in the future. So for his birthday present you would like to take him (and just him, not his shit stirring brother) out and name a place.

That way you're not buying him a present unless he agrees to see you again to build bridges and try to repair the damage. Personally though if he agrees to go I would put the other incident behind you and see how he is without his brother around - he might be a very different kid.

Did you have to stand on a stool to slap him? Young men seem to be very tall.

Absolutely do not even consider giving him a gift!

A teenage boy punched his gran in the stomach! That he has not been punished nor made to apologize is horrifying. Clearly the family has some serious problems. Papering over and behaving as though all is normal is absurd.

Do not acknowledge his birthday whatsoever.

She lost the moral high ground when she slapped him, I don't blame her, I can see it being instinctive. It's family and I would want to do everything I could to build bridges. If it was a random child on the street, I'd feel very different, or a godchild who you can remove from your life. Put more fuel on the fire, and it may take him a decade to be old enough and big enough to apologise. It can never not happen now, but I'd want to avoid it being a long-term wedge through the family.

Because he punched her in the stomach?! a 14 year old that as far as we know, could have been taller than her. Jesus wept.