Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

Has OP been back? It is half term...

For those criticising the OP for slapping her GS back - it is normal to react like this in the shock of being assaulted. I have been on the receiving end of aggression like this and I can tell you, you don't know how you are going to react when it happens, you can't control you reaction and it is completely normal to lash out defensively.

It is so so inappropriate to 'blame the victim' here by criticising the OP; she has nothing to apologise for or to be ashamed of. Her GS and his parents on the other hand.....they are doing him no favours by indulging his behaviour like this.

Tbh if my child punched my mother I would not be annoyed at my mother for giving a slap across the face, obviously unless they were very young. It was a quick reaction, more of a reflex really and not one I would blame you for. I would on the flip side be hugely mortified if my child did that to anyone let alone an older family member.

At his age he should know better and needs to learn that he can't go around being violent to people and not have any consequences. Perhaps his silence is out of guilt/damaged ego.

Honestly I think the gift/no gift thing is the least of the issue. From what his little brother said, it seems like its not the first time for this kind of behaviour and his parents aren't managing it well. Can I suggest that you talk to his parents about what is going on?....and yes I agree your reaction is completely understandable.

You are being very unreasonable in accepting this from your grandson. He punched you in the stomach. That's an assault and if he did it to someone else they'd contact the police. Which is a possibility for you but might blow your family apart, so I can see why you might not do it. But what next? He punches you on the jaw? Gives you a good slapping because he doesn't like something you've said? His parents are keeping him away from you - that's safeguarding for you. He's fourteen, he's physically adult in all but experience - some cultures, some times, would have seen him as a man. So adjust your thinking. You can't get your baby boy back. He's a violent, potentially dangerous young man. Perhaps he'll settle down, but even so I wouldn't trust him at all.

I think you need to really think what you want for the future. I think if u get him a present, then id make it an icebreaker. Boxing gloves and a punchbag? See if it gets conversation started

Its outrageous that he did this, but it's also really extreme behaviour that id be concerned FOR him as well as angry and upset.

I would expect that you're not the only one he has assaulted. Hes gone defensive, and his parents are not taking it as seriously as id expect.
I dont know if id want to burn bridges or not, but i think you probably need to look at all the other variables.
Sometimes violent teenage boys can turn a corner with support. I would definitely take a step back from them for safety

OP has vanished.

Well granny hasn't come back to us, so I'm somewhat wary.

Goodness OP, the way your Grandson treated you is upsetting to read. You need to stop apologising to him, he needs to learn that this sort of behaviour is completely unacceptable. He is 14 years old and not far from beginning to have relationships. If this behaviour is not stopped He will grow up believing this is an acceptable way to behave and could become a domestic abuser. My son is only a toddler but I am horrified at the thought he would go on to hit my mother or mother in law in the future. A slap in response was not ideal but I can't say I really blame you when a fourteen year old has punched you in the stomach so stop apologising to him.

The future looks bleak for him sadly. His parents are doing him a great disservice if he is not heavily disciplined for this. Reality looms and people will be pressing charges if he behaves like this again. Which he will as I suspect the bad behaviour he's using is a very effective form of control.

You do not reward violence! A 14-year-old who punches his grandmother needs psychiatric help.

@Scintella

actually I don’t think a relationship wherein OP is getting punched will be all that important to Op.

There are some very damaging messages that young men are now absorbing about women's value, that their only value is their looks/fuckability so an older relative like a grandmother would have zero value and can be used as a punchbag.

It's a lot for her to process. I'd imagine she thought she'd be told 'of course get him a present, why wouldn't you' and instead we've all pointed out her grandson assaulted her, her child (the boy's mother? / father?) has gaslit her into her slap being more important than his punch - her head may be reeling.

It's all a bit DARVO, isn't it? Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. There's a definite Denial on the parts of both the parents and their son, a sweeping-under-the-carpet. Attack is non-physical so I didn't quite see it at first - him ignoring her and telling his brother (in front of OP, else how would she know?) he hates her; both of which are intended to hurt OP's feelings. And even the OP is behaving as if her grandson is her Victim when he is in reality the Offender!

She may not come back, she may. Either way, I hope it has reframed this incident for her in her own mind, and she is now able to see it for what it is - a physical attack handled badly by the parents to the detriment of both grandmother and grandson.

Sounds like he needed and deserved that slap.

I don't think an apology will make this right. What would you do if this was your 14 year old? Just make him apologise?

If he do that to his own grandma, what else would he do to other people?

She was punched in the stomach by a 14 year old lad and reacted, in no way is she at fault.
Op I would have called the police to give him a talking to, that is assault and terrible behaviour. I hope he doesn't treat any other women that way in the future.

Yes you shouldn't have slapped him but in this situation it sounds totally called for.. A shame his parents are clearly allowing his behaviour.

Sorry but he sounds awful. He’s 14, not 4 and knows that punching his grandparent in the stomach is wrong. Disgusting behaviour.

I can’t believe what I just read!

Honestly, OP… I don’t see that you did anything wrong here. I am
generally against hitting, however, he attacked you. He’s a young man and should know better. What kind of ratchet BS is that? Hitting an older woman? He needs to be enrolled in anger management ASAP. Despicable.

Cicciabella

Are you crazy?
A 14 year old boy punching his Granny, and you blame her reaction? And that's after treating her to shouting and swearing. Poor little poppet - not.
Many 14 year olds have the size and strength of a full grown man.
Just when you think you have heard it all... With people like you around no wonder we have youths like this.

they were punched in the stomach by a 14 year old. Have you lost your mind?!

I wouldn’t have slapped him, I’d have called the police and insisted he was arrested for assault. He needs a harsh wake up call with behaviour like that.

Is this real?

A measure perhaps of how addicted he is to tech.

Punching is assault.

He was completely and shockingly out of order. Your response was instinctive as you came under attack. His parents should be going absolutely ballistic at him. He has crossed a line and he needs to know it. So sorry this happened to you.