Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

If it were that easy, there would be a care home on every street.

Where I grew up, a teenage boy who punched his grandmother would receive a severe beating from male family members.

I'm not saying this is a workable approach in modern UK (although possibly you'd have less antisocial little shits tormenting society), but neither is a grovelling apology from the assault victim for daring to react to said assault in the heat of the moment.
Or are we actually WANTING to have a society full of violent, entitled thugs?

The fact his parents haven't punished your grandson or forced him to honour the promised apology smacks of shit parenting. I would be utterly horrified if my son thought it was acceptable to punch his grandmother in the stomach. What a nasty, violent little thug.
Have you brought this up with them since? Do they still bring your younger grandson round? This is a situation that needs to be properly addressed by everyone.

Re the present: he absolutely should not receive one. You'd be doing a disservice if you gave him one, essentially rewarding his awful behaviour.

He sounds a monster. But teenage boys can be at times. You absolutely shouldn't apologise. He should be apologising to you more like. Ignore him. I agree with shame on his parents. Accepting this appalling behaviour.

This is appalling!

Why are you blaming the OP - AND laying any future issues at her door?

I can imagine what my reflexes would do if I were punched.

This is NOT family neglect unless there is much more to it from his actual parentts

So much victim blaming.

A 14 year old boy punching his grandmother in the stomach is not a fall out OP, or a child being 'naughty'. This is a young male, who if he isn't already, will in a short time be a physically formidable and dangerous force. Yet somehow has not yet leaned to control his anger and violent impulses and attacks his own grandmother. Do not apologise for defending yourself. Do not make this your responsibility to sort as the adult. His parents need to address this with urgency before another violent and abusive man is out there hurting women.

You're joking right? Yes she should not have hit him but I totally understand her shock reaction to being punched in the stomach so no that is not the issue here. He is not just behaving because she hit him back, he was already misbehaving but somehow you are trying to minimize his behavior and make it all about OP.

The fact his parents didn't react more strongly to him hitting his grandmother says a lot to me and the fact they haven't really done anything about it makes me wonder what goes on behind close doors in their home.

Write him a letter saying you made a bad mistake. When he us ready lay the future open for possible contact

This is ridiculous advice and serious pandering and you are telling your grandson that he has done nothing wrong. Yes she needs to address hitting him but that has to come with him directly acknowledging they he should never ever hit anyone not to talk or a women then not to talk or his own grandmother. You don't start OP writing about how she made a bad mistake, seriously? And we wonder why he is turning out to be so feral?

@LadySmurf I would probably give him a birthday card to leave the door open but his parents need to be more proactive and in resolving this not taking the easy way out and pretending nothing is going on.

A gift? For punching her in the stomach? She should've called the police!

Hmm

I'd think there is a lot more going on than is seen here.

I mean, I'm reasonably tough, and my ds isn't particularly strong for his age, but if he'd punched me in the stomach at 14yo then I wouldn't have been up to slapping him for a good few minutes -and I doubt he'd have stayed around for me to do it.

Then we've got that his reaction was to the younger boy rather than granny. So you'd expect him to have been the victim not her.

I think he needs someone from outside the family to hear him out and untangle his thoughts and finding out what is really going on with him. He may be a nasty little thug as many are saying, but equally well he could be a scared miserable child whose experience is meaning he isn't reacting in an age appropriate way.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. @LadySmurf has he grown up in an abusive home do you think? Have you been abused yourself? You seem to have taken it very calmly, whereas many people - me included - would have spoken to the police, and taken a very very strong line with his parents. And honestly, it's not too late to do so, even just to have it recorded with the police that he attacked you.

Have you spoken directly to your child about this? Punching your grandmother in the stomach at 14 is the action of a young man who is going to go on to hurt and possibly kill a future partner. I don't think anybody here can overstate what a dangerous sign this is. Either he is being abused at home, or there is something wrong with him, and whichever it is, it needs action.

This is not the time to be thinking about presents. You need to be thinking about the police. And certainly never being alone with the boy again.

Hahahahahah!

I would separate the punch and the gift.

He clearly has anger issues. He is expressing that he is not happy about something by being angry. That is childish behaviour that for some reason survived until this age. As is, unfortunately, the case with lots of adult men. I would try to get him and the family help and hopefully turn his life into better direction . /Any chance of him being ND? Any noticable reason why does he get angry this much? Any particular reason why he was angry on this occasion?/

I'd still give him a gift. Perhaps not a big or expensive one, but still one that shows that you, as an adult in his life, care.

I wouldn't even give a second thought to the smack, to be honest. If one of my children - never mind a grandchild!! - punched me (!!!), I would rain hell down upon them. You responded with very natural shock to defend yourself and have NOTHING to apologise for.

@ByPeachSeal - as other posters have said - how was @LadySmurf supposed to know that it was 'only one punch' and not the start of a sustained attack? Maybe, by slapping him, she shocked him enough to prevent him hitting her again.

How would you feel if one of your daughters was assaulted by their boyfriend, and you learned that the young man concerned had a history of assaulting people, including older relatives, and nothing had been done to stop him? Would you be telling your daughter that she was wrong to slap the man who had just punched her?

And even if it was just one punch, that one punch, from a 14 year old, could have done massive damage - even life threatening damage - and yet you think that the OP is wrong for how she reacted - words fail me.

WTAF?

They should ALL be begging you for your forgiveness.

14 year olds (boys), should not be punching their granny.

The consequences should be on them.

Disgraceful.

On balance, I think I would send a small gift, maybe a book.

This.

He sounds like a brat, I wouldn’t give him a present, he doesn’t deserve one

What have I just read?

He punched you in the stomach. Why are you and his parents minimising this assault? Because that's what it is, assault. A 14-year old boy already has considerable upper-body strength, more than an adult woman - and he used his strength to punch his grandmother.

In reaction, you slapped him. REACTION. REFLEX. I very much doubt you hurt him as much as his assault hurt you. Not ideal, but then real life when you're under attack rarely is.

What punishment did his parents levy for this assault? Any? Have they apologised on his behalf?

There is too much focus on you slapping him after he punched you, and not nearly enough on a teenaged boy feeling able to punch women with no consequences. It's really not in his best interests to go into adulthood thinking he can punch women (and girls?) with impunity.

How has it got to the point where a month has passed and you haven't had at least one, if not many serious conversations with your son or daughter (whichever is the GS's parent) about his behaviour and what is going on with him and what their plans are for helping him to grow into a decent human being.

If he lashes out like that now and doesn't change his ways, he will likely end up either beaten up or dead, in prison or as an adult abuser.

Did you miss the part where a teenage boy punched a (presumably) older person in the stomach, for the "crime" of asking him to stop swearing?!
Frankly, if all he got was a slap round the face, he got off lightly.

Your response is what is wrong with the world today.

Are you for real??
I don't smack or hit my kids but if they punch anyone I expect them to get it back to be honest. Real time consequences there. No it's not great behaviour from either party but he assaulted his grandparent. Get a grip.

Oh, and - no present. To give him a present now just serves to continue to sweep this incident under the rug, something which should NEVER be done with physical attack. Had you received a sincere apology this would probably be behind you by now. But he hasn't, his parents haven't - you cannot reward this by pretending to be unaffected.