Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

If your child hit me I would call the police.

You don’t seem to understand. She didn’t need to defend herself. She reacted because she was angry, not because she needed to defend herself.

Far more likely to be a 'flight, fright, fight' immediate and automatic reaction to being hurt in such a shocking way from someone you love.

That punch will have shocked the OP to her core.

I suspect she didn't have time to think about her anger. I suspect it was just a reaction, with no prior thought, to being so shocked and probably quite frightened at the time.

And she has apologised for her reaction.

No apologies from the one who punched his grandma unprovoked (by her) leaving her hurt and upset.

potentially he reacted (very inappropriately) to a statement by the 8yr old.

But if that was the case surely he would have reacted towards the 8yo sibling. What made him be able to control himself not to punch his younger sibling, but turn and punch his grandma?

There is clearly a serious issue for a 14 year old boy to react like this. I've never heard of any situation like this before. I think you need to advocate for him. Which parent is your child? I think you need a serious talk with them to find out what is going on.

Are they struggling with him? Has something happened? If they are struggling then see what help you can provide (with advice, or maybe paying for counselling etc if they can't afford it). If they are not struggling and are just bad parents then GS will need you more than ever.

In that case I'd maybe write him a letter explaining that what he did was outrageous, completely unacceptable and potentially criminal, but that you love him and will help him when he's ready to come to you for help (and it better be with an apology to you also!). Best of luck OP. Main thing is you don't deserve violence from your own family, so I'd avoid him in person until he apologises. Keep yourself safe!

He is 14

do his parents realise ' Children between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime.' that was from Google.

It all sounds a bit unlikely to me, especially the bit about the grandmother apologising to the 14 year old. That just isn’t plausible, not even in this crazy looking glass world we’re all currently trapped in.

If it is true, it’s one of the worst things I have read on here. Imagine anyone punching their grandmother. That’s not a teenager, it’s a monster. I would disown any of my kids for doing that. No question - I’d have them put in care. There’s a limit to what anyone could put up with and that would be it for me.

No apology = no present

and you never ever agree to look after him again in the future

You can't just have your children put in care. It doesn't work like that.

Good God, if I were his parents, I'd have leathered him.

He’d be on the street then.

I’m trying to imagine what my dad would have done if my brother had punched my nan. I think he would have crippled him. I wouldn’t have blamed him either.

@DoreenonTill8 No I quoted the wrong post 🤦🏻‍♀️ I did apologise a bit further up this thread. I meant to quote Cicciabella's post.

Not a chance he would be getting a present. I’d be reluctant to have him in my home.

He’s a horrible little thug.

So far as I'm concerned, being punched in the stomach on next to no provocation would make things irreparable. I'd expect his parents to get rid of the xBox altogether, since that's clearly so important to him he'll hit someone at the suggestion of going without it for a week, I'd want an apology and after that I'd want never to set eyes on the little shit again.

Do you know what, if any, punishment his parents imposed? I think his continuing refusal to talk to you is probably because he's blaming you for that. I don't think he'll be traumatised by you slapping him. He was completely wrong in how he behaved, although your reaction was also wrong. I wouldn't want to give him a birthday present while he won't even talk to you about what happened.

What a horrible situation and completely understand your reaction. It's definitely not ok.

My advice would be to send a card and token present- maybe some chocolate or something small. In the card I would say you will always love him even though his recent actions really shocked and upset you. Hopefully that puts the ball in his court for an apology.

I remember my mum saying I won't always like you but I will always love you and I think that's what you need to get across to him.

You should report this assault to the police. This little psycho will get to know the police quite well in the years to come.

Do you agree that a 14 year old knows the difference between right and wrong?

Even if you gave him he benefit of the doubt and accept he lashed out in a moment of fury you would surely expect him to realise later that what he had done was wrong and apologise. Far from apologising he has ignored the person he violently assaulted and asked his younger siblings to relay the message that he hates his grandmother. His behaviour is appalling and you are suggesting its up the assaulted person to build bridges.

WTF is wrong with you? It's domestic violence and there are no excuses.

If a 14yo boy punched me I’d call the police, not buy him a gift.

14 year olds can be huge, my brother was tiny at that age but my cousin is 6ft tall. A lot of posters are hanging on the fact he's 14 but it could have been like taking a punch from a full grown man! In any case it was so far over the line I don't think anyone should be blaming OP for slapping him. There is mention of behavioural issues, I wonder what this entails exactly? I think it could be an important detail to determine the next course of action.

JFC.

Are you for real?

What's wrong with people like this? Is this the parents of men who grow up to batter fuck out of their partners?

I agree and I'd have called the police for good measure. He knows full well what he did. Buying him presents after he's punched an elderly women in the stomach, yeah right. He's a spoilt brat and a thug who needs serious consequences.

OP, I'm not sure which of the parents is your own child but they are bringing up a thug. I can't imagine that they would listen to what you've told them and not immediately take steps to make their child apologise - and also punish him appropriately.

I wouldn't buy him a present, nor a card, and I would speak to his parents again to say that I was disappointed in my own response but more so his outright aggression to a grandparent. Unacceptable and they should hear that. Their other child is welcome to visit at any time.

I'm not generally in favour of distancing from family but what family is this? I couldn't be passive about it as I wouldn't feel comfortable with eldest grandson having his violence parent-sanctioned.

I'm really sorry for you, this is absolutely shocking and you didn't deserve any of it.