Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

This is not about the money. Let us cut to the chase. No, you are not ever going to be as important to him as his daughter, because you are coming from different starting points. You are presenting all of you to him - you are free, no children. He is presenting all of him to you - he is not free, he has a daughter. You can't make her disappear or unappear or whatever. She will always be there and she will always take priority, she is his flesh and blood. If you can live with it, you can have a very happy life with him. If you lie about your motives 'oh, this is not teaching her anything, this generosity' you will be miserable in this relationship. Your choice.

They are about to move in together and have taken the sensible step of considering finances, what on earth is wrong with that ? It would be sheer madness not to.

It's nothing to do with you really OP and you are not exactly going to be badly off by the sound of it. It sounds like you have plenty of money. I don't really get why you care.

The tenancy risk is a good point, as is the potential taxation - building up a savings pot to cover future CGT, and a bells and whistles insurance policy should both be considered household expenses - if OP's post-tax rental income doesn't cover this, her partner needs to contribute.

I have 4 adult kids, 8 GC and I love helping them or giving them nice presents. Unfortunately I'm not as well of as your partner but he has a high income and one child, she'll get it eventually so why shouldn't he get the joy of seeing her happy? I don't think he should give her more than he can afford but if he can have a nice life and give her this then I don't blame him at all as long as she is grateful and appreciates she's a lucky girl.

I can understand that it probably seems mad to some people but we are all different. I get more pleasure paying for something nice for one of my kids than having it myself but I have a fairly simple life and don't have any expensive habits.

Relative to his earnings, this isn't a lot to spend on his daughter. If she is using it all and is thankful, let him to continue to pay. It doesn't impact you.

Disclosure: my parents covered my memberships until I was out of my 20s.

Hang on, your husband? Ex husband?

How is your partner's daughter living in your husband's flat?

Regarding your OP:

Either this money comes out of his personal spending money and doesn't impact you financially, or your somehow combining finances/this impacts your rent/mortgage and bills together and so does impact financially. Which is it?

Then, you obviously disapprove. Is there a bigger issue of your partner bending to his daughter/does he regularly prioritise her needs in a way that impacts you?

If he has the available cash then it's his business, surely. But I wouldn't move in with him.

Maybe if they had shared children, but in this scenario I’m assuming the OPs finances are going to be keep separate to her partner’s as what usually happens when people get together in later life. True, she is sensible to check there are not going to be issues with him meeting any financial shared outgoings, but a partner, when their own children are not involved, should have no control over what the other person spends their expendable money on. Im married, have been for 30 years, and have my own account. Works for us.

@Anklie

Sorry, but it really is none of your business what he spends on his daughter and it’s actually considerably less than people on much lesser salaries are having to spend on their children.

For instance, if she were studying, the gov does not stop including parental income until 25, ie they expect parents to be giving support until this age (circa 15k a year, and that’s before fees or anything else)
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/2024/05/martin-lewis-student-living-loans-campaign/

Even though she is in employment, it doesn’t really matter. It’s her father’s decision what he wants to do. Though her boyfriend earns big, he’s just a boyfriend, they aren’t married. And actually, her father helping her out a bit with housing and health (gym etc), puts her in a more secure position level to potential life partners earning big, so she isn’t vulnerable to abuse or manipulation. 45k is low for London.

I really wouldn’t start to try and be controlling over this. If you are serious about this man you need to start thinking like a proper step mum (not a resentful step mum), if you were her mother and that amount of money were floating about you would be delighted to see it supporting her through early adulthood.

If you married him and lived in England depending on the length of the married you would be dependent on each other's income regardless.

Neither of you have dependents. His daughter is over 18 and working so is not financially dependent on him for living costs. You have nephews and nieces who don't live with you and you don''t support financially.

You both need to take legal advice so you write your wills properly if you marry.

Alternatively just don't get married or have a civil partnership. I know plenty of older couples who didn't/don't and end up being together for decades thanks to good health. This makes things easier when they die.

Where does the OP say she was obsessing about it? Do you think it's a problem that he went through her bank statements? We have no idea who initiated the full financial disclosure discussion but we do know that they both think complete financial transparency is important. They appear to have made a decision together but apparently only the OP is being intrusive.

Her desire for transparency clearly isn't motivated by a desire to see how much she can "fleece" him for because she has offered to cover all of the bills despite him being the substantially bigger earner.

She is surprised by how much he subsidises his daughter but as many of us have pointed out, it's none of her business if she is not expected to subsidise him.

The line is drawn where couples mutually agree it is drawn. Some posters seem unable to grasp that other people are happy with arrangements that they would feel uncomfortable with.

What is he approved to spend the spare money that he earns on?

MN is so crazy sometimes :)

i feel like ive seen dozens of threads telling wives/partners they should do exactly what the OP has done and have transparency around finances, check these things out before marriage/moving in etc, yet OP is getting such a hard time!

She said herself she was looking for perspective as she doesn't have her own children to support etc.

IMO whilst it sounds like quite a lot, kids are expensive 😆

Bit weird you’re now calling him your husband tbh

Surely you pay your bills with a bit extra as rent?

How do you define 'a bit extra', when you consider the immense cost of housing for most people these days? It's hardly like she just needs to round it up and add £20 for fair rent, is it?

I too am a bit confused as to how OP is seeing a man and engaged to him when she already has a husband?!

You have been so much identifying information on here OP, what if your partners daughter reads it?

There is nothing wrong in finding out he isn't a gambler or other form of addict, but there is something wrong telling him what he should spend his money on when she has enough income of her own and no dependents.

I think his spending is generous and understand him setting his daughter up to be secure.

The only thing I would question is whether your intended husband should contribute something - say a third/half - of your combined living expenses. I think that would be fair and for your rented property to pay for it's rates etc, some living expenses and also into a pot of savings for you, personally.

He is wealthy and can afford to be generous, you do not want to end up despising his contributions to his daughter and you need to be able to splurge on yourself sometimes.

OP certainly should have a say in that, if they hit shit creek. It’s not like the spending on his daughter is essential.

So his daughter is lovely, he’s a generous father, you’re being sensible re keeping your flat (who pays what bills is less of an issue when you’re both earning well), and plans for inheritance sound very fair to me. I think it’s good to be open and transparent with finances before marriage, particularly if you both have past reasons to be more wary.

All sounds perfectly good OP, don’t let everyone here read too much into it!

But this is when your finances are going to be linked or there might be a risk that you end up with somebody who cannot pay their way, ends up a drain and/or is seeking to take advantage of you.

Somebody earning £160K, has a mortgage-free house that he is inviting you to move into, who is able to put aside 20% of his income for his pension... doesn't really match this description, does he?

‘Rich’ ‘wealthy’ - no he isn’t. He takes home £4.5K a month after his pension and other contributions. He’s a high earner, but he’s not rich.

If he wants to do it and they have that kind of money to spend then why not. Why would you think it is your business what he spends on his DD?

I completely agree.

Maybe not the point, but if his DD is on £45K at 23, and is in wealth management with a private bank, she's likely going to end up keeping him in luxury in his dotage.

I'm not remotely suggesting that he is spending money on her now for any reason other than that he has it available and he loves her and wants to treat her; but if he were in any way calculating and 'investing' in his future in keeping her on-side, this would also be a smart move.