Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

No I don't think I'm entitled to anything if we marry. I support it going to his daughter.
I will leave everything I have to my family. I don't think our marriage should leave his daughter worse off than if we didn't get married, it won't foster a positive relationship and if he were married to her mother she would eventually inherit everything. I don't want her childhood home.
We have discussed what would happen if he died first (protection to continue living in the home for 6-12 months until I could return to my property or find elsewhere).

As long as his subsidising his DD doesn't impact on what he can pay for his own life and stuff you want to do together it wouldn't bother me. But if because of this or something else his expectation is that you then subsidise him then that's a problem.

I may have got this wrong but your rental income is paying for both your bills? When you have no claim to his home? Surely you pay your bills with a bit extra as rent?

This has got absolutely nothing to do with you. My best advice is to stay out of his relationship with his child and their arrangements, it will end up coming between you all.

Wow some of these comments are a bit harsh. She was only asking. If you actually read her post she did say they both agreed to share bank statements and outgoings etc.

It does sound a lot, but giving that he earns well, is mortgage free and can pay his bills it may just be a drop in the ocean for him. Unless it starts to impact you both financially, I would just leave him to it. Good luck with your future 🙂

I'm genuinely flummoxed that people aren't getting this - are they truly blinkered in their thinking, or is it convenient misunderstanding?

A mature couple, each independently established, need two things to co-habit - accommodation and payment of bills.

They each have an asset - a mortgage free property. One of them uses their asset to provide the accommodation, the other users their asset to pay bills.

A completely fair starting point.

This could be fine tuned, but we'd need to know all sorts of details - value of the properties, rental values, bills, etc. If OP's rent doesn't cover the bills, they need to reassess this. If it does cover the bills with some spare, then she's coming out ahead in this.

sorry but I hope this man runs!

Do you now?

I think it's unlikely. I think the op is just going to have a nice life with a mortgage free house and her well paid job getting married to her boyfriend who earns loads of money and loves his daughter.

How do you feel about the countless threads on this forum where women have babies with men and/or marry them without discussing finances?

Or the ones who end up as single mothers with no child support because they didn't know it was a risky financial decision to have a baby with a man you are not married to.

Absolutely none of your goddamn business. Butt out.

Really, you just sound jealous. He can afford it, if I could afford it I'd do the same for my kids. Why is it even relevant what his child earns and what her house is worth?
He isn't asking you why you are only earning 70k, why aren't you matching my salary and putting the effort into doing this, are you slacking off? He isn't asking this as he seems to be a decent guy who loves his daughter and is happy with the disparity in your incomes. He earns double your salary, he can do what he wants with any excess, this doesn't impact on you.

Yabu. It isn't coming at your expense.

I am all about responsibility and standing on your own two feet but you embed that when they are kids and then as adults you can spoil them rotten.

She's working and moved out.

Why wouldn't he want to make her life easier if she is lovely hardworking person?

When he dies a lot of that money will probably be taxed to shit anyway.

We have kids because we want to enjoy them.

Eta- its likely he gets joy from spending his money, that he has earned, that way so why shouldn't he? Like, actually why? It's not about her.

Op, I think you need to tread seriously carefully here. You definitely could ruin this relationship. Would you consider some therapy to help with the trust issues over the gambling? I’m sure it was dreadful. The problem is, the issues have carried into this relationship and seem to be making you act controlling. It’s the type of issue that if you don’t resolve, it will carry into future relationships too on you even if you do move on from this one.

Also, you sound like a gold digger.

She's generally a lovely girl, that doesn't worry me. I think he makes up for her absent mother (ran off to Australia with husband number 3 when her daughter was 12 never to be seen or heard from again).
I'm not going to ask him to stop spending the money, I was just trying to establish if this is normal. It means that if we ever did run into financial difficulty I now know it's not normal and very much optional and I'd say it would be any area that would be first reassessed if we ever need to change our spending.

It’s not a bad idea to siphon off future inheritance in a regular allowance to an adult child. Any regular payment for living expenses isn’t subject to the 7yr rule. It means she can save into her pension.

I would work on building bridges with his daughter not judging whether they need to exist. He loves his daughter, and obviously wants to support her the best way he can. I would not say a word about his choices and enjoy your relationship and new family.

So sad she lost her mother in that way.

Yes she will but if she has lived in the property for the past 10 years and then rents it out for 10 years she will only get 50% relief. I know she has no intention of selling but that could change. She could have a bad experience with a tenant who leaves £50k of damage. There are all sorts of reasons she could sell in future. She may just see another house she fancies if her partner dies / her relationship doesn’t work out. The point is she is the lower earner here and she is taking all of the risk while he is sitting pretty.

If anyone is planning on a marriage, and does not know or make every attempt to know the partner's financial situation, they they are bloody stupid!

You wouldn't do it in a business arrangement. They are not eighteen with no money or assets.

They may not be married yet, but you really cannot wait for the wedding reception to gain financial clarity! When should they have this conversation/ show and tell?
In real life, I know nobody who does not have, or think they have financial transparency within a marriage.
Who are these people who think their spouse's financial situation is nothing to do with them? If you don't want to share, don't get wed.

Maybe the exercise supports her mental health which is why he throws money at it.

You say you were checking for gambling etc. however you seem outraged that a loving father who’s making a lot of money should treat his daughter. She is earning well for her age but her dad can well afford to help her and I’d imagine he will continue to do so.

It’s an insane amount of money to give her but he also earns an insane amount, so it’s all relative.

He can spend whatever he wants on his child.
I will always support my child if I could afford it.

As long as you’re both paying 50/50 on bills, then it’s none of your business what he does with his money.

And honestly if a man was questioning/not happy with what I was doing with my child, then I would see it as a red flag and I think this is something you should keep to yourself.

I also think it’s a good idea to be transparent about finances but I think going through accounts is way too much and I would also see this as a red flag.

I have to be honest that if you had posted this saying a man wanted to go through your accounts before moving in together and then had an issue with how much you spend on your DCs, I would be telling you to think very carefully about moving in with him.

Just split the bills 50/50 and then whatever money each person has left over, is their own to do whatever they want with.

Neither of you need to know where the rest of the money is going, whether it’s on DCs, in savings or pointless tat.

tbh it’s irrelevant what he spends his own money on. As long as he meets his obligations with your shared outgoings, what he does with the rest of his money is nobody’s business apart from his. And I wouldn’t start a discussion about it with him, because red flags will be raised with him, and he will run for the hills, and rightly so.

Um, no. You don't get a say in that. Sorry.

If you run into financial difficulties you look to cut your joint cloth e.g. downsize or take on extra work. You dont dictate his spending.

Do not be the stepmum that pits herself against his child. You will lose.

She comes first to him and always will. And should.

It's a lot but IMO it is none of your business.

No this would come from him as at the end of the day I will have no claim to home.
I will cover energy/internet/home insurance/water/council tax - which is still less than what I will get in rental income (ever after tax). He offered to go in on this with me at 50/50. However if he is covering all large repairs/replacements and has agreed to allow me to redecorate at his expense I think it's fairer this way.

His money his choice mind your own