Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

On a gross salary of 160k with 20% pension contribution he takes home around £7600 each month.

I can't really get past her being 23 and working and her dad pays for her gym and holidays
I suppose as long as you're both satisfied that what's left over is enough for you and him to cover outgoings and be comfortable, and you're happy with
whatever arrangements for inheritance are in place, his spending isn't any of your business.

But still. 23 and her dad pays for her gym and holidays. I can't imagine accepting that, even if I had a parent who could do it and offered to, which I never have.

@Anklie

To add to this, his take home is 97k or more as he puts 15-20% of 160k in pension.

He spends 12k pa on his only child equating to say 12% of income.

He has 85k left, a big pension, mortgage free.

A few flights to France and presents, say that’s another 5-10k max.… leaving 75k and no mortgage to pay.

What exactly is your problem? Why be so grasping and jealous? Do you feel threatened by his relationship with her? Do you think parental bond is severed upon 18?

You need to realise by being with him that her well-being is also your priority now, if you are serious about the relationship.

As long as he covers his share of expenses it's not really your business

I’m more concerned that you are renting your flat and using it to cover all your bills joint - what’s he paying ???!!!!

His daughter is living in your property?

I think going through your bank accounts together before joining your lives is eminently sensible - Financial independence good, financial secrecy bad.

It’s fair to ask if he plans to maintain these payments when he retires and if so, how. In the end it has to be his decision but YANBU to consider how it will impact you.

OP shouldn't be moving anywhere where she can't afford her 50%. If, as a couple, they struggle to pay the joint bill, they work out whonis responsible for the shortfall and whether the other wants to subsidise or whether they make a mutual plan to downsize so that they can both afford their share.

If I died, I wouldnt expect my husband to reduce his support for our daughter to fund a life with his new wife.

'Rich' is very subjective, though. Don't forget he has no mortgage/rent to pay and owns two properties outright (unless he's formally transferred the flat to his DD).

Compared with JK Rowling or Richard Branson, he isn't remotely rich. Compared with millions of households across the country, he is very rich.

All fairly standard salaries for London for the younger couple and pretty standard salaries in other parts of SE for those nearing their 60s so I don't think made up at all.

But do think it is none of OP's business how he chooses to spend his money and whether that is on his daughter.

He's providing her with free accommodation - no mortgage payments or rent for her, which represent a very high proportion of most people's outgoings.

You sound really jealous 😱. Sounds like you think you deserve the Money instead. You sound like you have your eyes on her flat and are trying to get your hooks into his Money.

He wouldn’t view it as him providing her Accomodation - he would say she inherited that from her great aunt.

How will it impact her?
She has her own money and job and house!. The man has more than enough for himself to live on!. She has her eyes on the million pound property!

He wouldn’t view it as him providing her Accomodation - he would say she inherited that from her great aunt.

She means he is providing you with free accommodation, not his daughter

Ah my apologies - misunderstood.

I think when you don't have children this type of spending can come as a surprise tbh!

OP already owns her property outright so she is not currently paying rent or a mortgage. Moving in together does not provide her with something she doesn't already have.

Your DH sounds like a lovely man and you and his DD are very blessed. He isn’t funding her to sit at home doing nothing he is treating her as Dads do.
he wants to treat her even though she doesn’t need the money which is clearly a sign he loves her dearly.
I would consider myself lucky to be married to such a kind and caring person

If you're happy with her inheriting his entire fortune, property etc down the line then that's not so different to him giving her money now? She's just getting it in installments instead of a lump sum, and he's getting to see it in action having a positive impact on her life instead of looking at it sitting in the bank! I imagine it also potentially reduces any future inheritance tax (although don't know the rules on this).

It was very wise of both of you to look through each others statements.

I don’t care how well off he is it is a lot to give an adult child and I sometimes think it can make adult children a bit dependant and I say this as someone with children. But what he is doing is good for inheritance tax purposes. You can only chuck 3k per year in to a child’s account without it incurring tax.

I assume you have done a future projection of living expenses using his pension income.

There's nothing to discuss here really, is there? You have separate finances and as long as you both meet your obligations, you should not have any say over the other's spending.
One thing I noticed though, if the daughter already has a house that is the family heirloom, why would you be kicked out of his house within months after living there as his wife should he die before you? Shouldn't he take care of you too after his death?! A lifetime interest in the shared home is surely not too much to leave one's spouse?

Sending you a PM OP.

I would only be concerned if you are thinking’s out heaving children with him . If not then it’s really up to them .

You checked his statements to see if he was gambling. He wasn’t. He is wealthy and it’s his money to spend as he chooses. End of discussion.