Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

This!

His first love will be for his Daughter...I wonder if this is the issue OP has.

A million pound flat near Hyde Park is CHEAP! Not many for £1,000,000 if any.

It sounds like you’re not planning to become too financially involved, in which case you have absolutely no right to grill him over his finances. I have a joint account with my husband and joint mortgage and yet I would still never ask to see his personal bank statements.
Your partner clearly has money and can spend it as he wishes.
It seems you’re jealous of his daughter but if you push him he will absolutely choose her over you.

If either of them had a mortgage then I would agree but they are both mortgage free so charging rent would seem a bit grabby.

Not sure why you think that makes sense when my post suggests nothing other than a fair split of living costs.

This was my idea, he is happy to keep covering his share of the bills.

Shes working in what sounds like a good job, she’s in a serious relationship, has a good relationship with her dad and grandparents and a super boring hobby. He’s “allowed” to treat her to things. He’s got plenty of money and isn’t denying himself things to pay for her gym. Not everything with children has to be a teaching moment, sometimes you can just have a nice relationship that isn’t about them learning a lesson. He’s brought her up, she’s got a level of education to make her employable, she’s nice enough to maintain relationships, she’s not still living with parents - what does she need to learn that paying for her own gym membership will teach her?

Don’t forget the capital gains tax that will start racking up on your property while he won’t be accumulating any on his. Even if your property doesn’t increase in value any past gains will start to become payable the longer it is rented out. It can be brutal.

Why did you suggest this? It's seems strange that you would offer to cover the bills of someone who is earning substantially more than you.

He can afford it, it won't impact you and frankly, it's absolutely none of your business.

The "it's not teaching her anything" comment is also fantastically ironic.

I'm glad you've no intention of leaving him over this, because it's a non-issue. From his perspective though I'd be pretty pissed off that you were criticising the way I parented my (obviously doing well) daughter when I can more than afford it. Honestly, sometimes dads can't do right from wrong.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this

Who raised the idea?

Thank God I don't have a child with those things so because I don't have 12k a year to spare! How utterly ridiculous. There is zero evidence that this young woman is anything other than a normal, healthy and very privileged person. I like to think most people care about their own and their children's physical health and well being but it's laughable to suggest that this kind of spending is some kind of necessity. For anyone.

My first thought (but perhaps it's only me) is that his daughter may be recovering from an eating disorder or mental health challenges, and he is trying to keep her happy and well. I certainly wouldn't begrudge a father who could afford it spending his money this way.

Homeless? Except she has her own property, which she could presumably eventually move back into - or at least use the rental income to rent/buy somewhere else in the meantime?

If the OP sells her house, which she does not plat to do, she’ll get residents relief, as this has been her main residence.

Major red flag for your fella. You’ve been together 2 years you have no right to dictate how he spends his money.

Exactly. I think the quote “she is going from her dad funding her to her boyfriend funding her” is nasty considering she has a well paid job for her age so obviously works hard. Keeping fit is also not really a hobby she is looking after her health.
Sounds a bit jealous and controlling OP

I really can't imagine that we've been reading the same thread, for you to come to that conclusion!

Not that it's massively relevant but to satisfy you.
His daughter works for a private bank in wealth management.
Her partner is a Lawyer.
My partner is a dermatologist at a private clinic.
I work in the Civil Service.
Under normal circumstance I wouldn't have a property laying around to rent out. However I'm in my 50s and have no children so my mortgage is paid off and I don't wish to give up my security net when we move in together. I bought the property with half of what I got from the sale of my marital home 17 years ago and have been able to consistently overpay my mortgage due to limited other outgoings as a middle age single woman.

Satisfied?

MN is weird sometimes - this one could have gone either way!

i do think it’s a lot with the flat too but it sounds like your finances will remain relatively separate and you’ll both be better off living together so in this case, I’d maybe put it down to him being really generous (with a bit of guilt thrown in?). How’s his relationship with his daughter in general and is she nice/kind/normal etc with you?

It sounds like she works hard and good for her but she still wouldn't be able to fund her lifestyle without being given a flat and having her dad pay for her exercise classes so it is a fair comment really.

She could run round Hyde Park for free.

But it is none of the OP's business.

Wow, the handmaidens are out in force on this thread!

I’m married and consider us a team and so of course we know each others income, budgeting requirements, general spending, etc. My DH had older children when he met me, so I’m well aware of how much money he’s spent on them and how much they inherited from their mum.

The OP is planning to get married so I’d expect at that point they need to discuss and agree any property split and all spending going forward, otherwise what’s the point in getting married?

She also needs sound legal advice regarding wills and trusts because if she dies first without adequate provision, her husband may choose not to pass her house into her side of the family.

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?

What do you want your husband to ‘teach’ his daughter, exactly? That rich people should squirrel their money away and not be generous with it?

The man’s got money coming out of his ears. Why wouldn’t he want to share it with his daughter? What’s the difference between him subbing his daughter now, and stashing it all away for her to inherit when she’s middle-aged?

Ultimately, the money he spends on his daughter and the relationship he has with her is none of your business. It doesn’t affect your income. It’s not up to you to decide what your fiancé should ‘teach’ his adult daughter. You sound like you really dislike her.

If she’s earning £45k at 23 then she’s not exactly sitting around doing nothing with her life, in any case.

I actually think it’s weird that you know how much she and her boyfriend earn and how much their flat is worth anyway. Do you all get together to talk about how much money you’ve got, or something?

Sounds like OP did if she was looking for signs of gambling… sorry but I hope this man runs!

Sorry I worded that badly. Husband to bes flat, her dad. Though they actually sorted it through the will so it went to her so it’s her flat.
Not my flat in anyway, I missed the to be off - it was late sorry!

Of course nobody would want to enter into a new relationship with a problem gambler or drinker etc.; but it seems an odd thing to obsess about when they aren't showing any signs of it whatsoever. How many problem gamblers do you know who maintain a successful and highly solvent life like OP's partner?

It's the equivalent of insisting on going through somebody's phone to check if they're cheating, when nothing at all in their life is suggesting this as a likely scenario.

Of course, anything could be possible, but where do you draw the line? Sifting through their box of Persil in case it's actually disguised cocaine? Demanding to check their car boot every night in case they're involved in body snatching?!