Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Over a £1000 a month though? For shits and giggles? It nothing substantial. (Like education or a business.) He is bankrolling fluff and bullshit and bollocks for his ADULT daughter.

I would find that extremely embarrassing and cringeworthy, not remotely 'attractive.' I would NOT be getting into a relationship with a man like this.

Finding it out is fine, now she knows. Hes a dad who spends money on his DD. Good for him.
ITs the judging it and saying gosh is this too much is the part that is none of her business.

Eh? The poster didn't ask how old OP's boyfriend was. They asked how old the daughter's bf was.

A gold digger who knows she won't inherit anything and who's going to pay her husband's bills? Not a very successful one, then.

The issue for me is that he benefits financially from you marrying him and you don't benefit from marrying him. That doesn't sound fair.

Sorry. I didn't notice that! Apologies.

If they are to be financially joined in marriage then she does have a right to know what is going on with finances.

But she really does not have a right to judge what he spends his excess income on as long as it doesn’t impact their day to day standard of living and/or shared goals.

Most people will spend about 10% of their income on children, some vastly more, even in adulthood.

The house was inherited from her aunt, they probably did a deed of variation so it passed direct to her rather than being included in his estate due to the IHT.

If someone tried to curtail me supporting any of my children I’m afraid they would be shown the door immediately.

Not OP's business.

I think he just enjoys seeing her enjoy his money whilst he's still around to watch her benefit / get pleasure from it. Nothing wrong with it in my opinion. Maybe your ex has given you a bit of anxiety around shared finances? Maybe look into that a bit more and try to relax. Everyone sounds financially independent and stable x

If he wasn't paying anything for his daughter that would be worse. You're not going without because of her, are you? He's earning A LOT of money, as are you. A fraction of his income is going to his daughter. If you resent that, then you possibly should never be with someone who has a child, adult or otherwise.

Agree with everyone that it sounds like he has the money, so this outlay on his daughter is probably fine. But ignore everyone harassing you for going through each other’s finances—if you’re moving in together this is absolutely information that both parties should want to know/share.

I'm actually shocked at how hard a time you're getting about this. Regardless of how much someone earned, i think I'd be shocked if they were paying for a grown adult's hobbies to such an extent. Particularly when she has no rent or mortgage and earns a decent salary.

@MILTOBE

It’s a gradual one… she’s known him 2 years which is nothing, and has inveigled her way to engagement, moving in and going over his financial affairs with a fine tooth comb.

She resents that the daughter already has 1M off daddy for her home, thinks that is quite sufficient and she should now piss off.

After the marriage she will set deeper roots, become more and more grabby, and the daughter will be progressively, gradually sidelined to allow the new Mrs Whatever to take centre stage.

Eventually she will convince him that it’s rather ludicrous that daughter will inherit his house/money considering she’s already had so much and she has been paying all the bills after all, so house should be left 50:50. Or she’ll demonstrate anxiety about having to be ousted from it upon his death saying if he leaves it to her she’ll defo leave it to daughter in her will, which of course she might not because niece and nephew only earn X and daughter Y + rich bf + 1M property… what could she possibly want with rightful inheritance from her father?

It’s all very Disney.

It’s none of your business.

Whilst at first read I admit I was getting spoilt little rich girl vibes, I’m a single mum struggling on NMW so to be honest all the amounts you’re quoting leave me open mouthed…
when you scale it down to my level it’s probably the equivalent of me giving a child £50 a month which I would happily do if I could afford it.
therefore I think it’s fine for him to do that as it will not in any way affect either of your lifestyles and as they say there’s no pockets in a shroud!
although I would think twice about the marriage business - will that not cause all sorts of inheritance issues not to mention if you ever got divorced (I know, I know what you’ve said but no-one EVER plans on divorce when they are engaged!)

I absolutely do not understand this at all.
I have more than enough money to do me till the day i die, in which case my dds get it all anyways. If I can pay for them for nice things, which i do, while they also pay for their own lives, then why the heck not.
We are a family, DH and I share our money with them without batting an eye.
They are very appreciative and work hard themselves, but its so nice to be able to treat them, jesus they are my flesh and blood, id give them my lungs if they needed it never mind money I have to give anyways and will get when im pushing up daisys.

It’s all relative. Is it normal for a 23 year old to own a flat in Hyde Park outright, earn 43k, belong to private members clubs? Course not, but she’s clearly from a wealthy family. Her Dad earns a lot and spends a bit on her. Exactly the same as a Bricklayer earning 40k a year probably pays for his daughter’s phone contract and driving lessons. Your DH has more money, so spends more. You all seem to be doing really, well, it’s not leaving you short, so there really is no issue whatsoever.

Put it this way, if I had that kind of money I would rather spend it on my children per month than it going to the taxman later on!

OP,
Lots of posters are making crazy assumptions and thinking the worse of everything.

I think you and your partner are in a great position and have been really sensible to look at your finances properly before moving in together. I can see why you wanted a second opinion about the gym classes and hope you now realise that, yes, it's generous but not at all unheard of. We give our adult children more than that every month plus we've paid for uni, houses and cars. My kids are all hard working and lovely people. They know they are lucky. They are 'spoilt' but they don't ever act 'spoilt'

Tax Advice 😅
If your partner gives a set amount from his income on a regular basis it can be completely disregarded from inheritance tax. So, rather than paying the gym bills directly he might be better off setting up a standing direct debit. I DONT KNOW the actual details as I'm not a tax person but it might be a consideration.

Unless you both lead very frivolous lives you should have plenty of money between (especially factoring in those juicy pensions 🤑)

I also think your suggestion of your rental income paying for you and your partners bills seems sensible and fair. It might be an idea to set a date each year where you both commit to looking at your finances again and making sure everything still seems fair and that you are both happy with everything.

It all sounds great to me.

Eh???

I can't get my brain in gear today, you've hit the the nail on the head....
this is EXACTLY what is off about this... OP claiming she doesn't want joint finance ..but wants to get married whilst criticising what he gives to his daughter....not going to end well.

I'm surprised this man is agreeable to getting married, it's too complicated if you actually don't want your spouse to inherit. The whole point of marriage is financial and legal. If you don't want those bits, don't get married.

The personal trainer must cost around £100 per session x 8 which is abnormally high!
It's loads but if she's grateful and not demanding (and Dad can afford it) then it's all relative really.

That's terrible advice for OP. She's in her mid-50s and she has a home in the area that's already fully paid off that she can move back into if her relationship fails or if he pre-deceases her. She's already stated that his home will go to his child; she has no interest in it. Otherwise she'll never be able to afford to stay in the area she lives. Renting it out in the interim is a perfectly sensible decision for her to make. It's not her job to solve the issues in the housing market single-handedly.

You should maybe speak to a tax advisor about the implications of inheritance tax and leaving your house to your nieces. There might be capital gains and inheritance tax implications and you might won't to take steps to mitigate these or work out a way to make it fairer.

I guess it depends as whether you view it as a percentage of his income, or as a total amount. As a percentage of his monthly income (I haven’t worked it out, but I think someone said about £8k) it’s about 16% I think. It’s a lot, but he’s not having to subsidise housing costs or anything like lots of other parents of 23 year olds are.

As an actual monthly amount it’s ridiculous, IMO.