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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

573 replies

Anklie · 30/05/2024 01:24

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

OP posts:
WalkingaroundJardine · 30/05/2024 12:47

I don’t think the money he spends on his daughter is a problem. If she is using the gym, PT and Pilates it’s a lovely arrangement actually. Physical fitness is a great antidote to anxiety and depression.

snackatack · 30/05/2024 12:47

You should add the money from your property to your wages - and then compare your total to his - if they are even - you pay even amounts to your current bills.

You need to make sure you are paying into a pension too.

If he can afford his current lifestyle as it is all fine.

blacktreacles · 30/05/2024 12:48

I’ll get slammed for this cos it’s not the point of the thread and it’s your house so you can do what you want blah blah

but how about

  • your combined income of 200k+ can jointly split the bills
  • you sell the home you no longer need, releasing it into the property market instead of holding onto it when so many young people are struggling to buy
  • you stay out of his and his daughters financial relationship
  • the sale of your own house gives you a lot more flexibility to treat yourself with or fund your retirement
JudgeJ · 30/05/2024 12:50

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/05/2024 04:37

SO the rental from your property is going to pay the bills for both of you?

Not sure about that.

Anyway - what he coughs up for his kid now isn't an issue if it doesn't impact on you.

But what does the future look like - when he retires, is he going to carry on funding her to this extent? When will that stop?

If he dies, what happens to the property you both live in, will you lose your home to her?

I think these are things you need to discuss, now!

I would want to keep the rental from my property to pay my half of the bills, not for both of us, none of my money would go towards subsidising his precious daughter, let it come entirely from him.

mjf981 · 30/05/2024 12:51

So this is how the 1% live, and what they have to worry about..

Viviennemary · 30/05/2024 12:51

I'd say this relationship won't work if you allow this to become an issue. She is his daughter and that's what he wants to spend his money on. As long as you are not subsidising this and he is paying his way then it really isn't your concern.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 30/05/2024 12:51

I'm late to the thread, but as the parent of an adult child who has always worked when she could and has been consistently in employment since graduation, I do not begrudge helping her with anything she needs help with, within bounds of reason, as long as I have the money available. It'll all go to her in the end, and she might as well have at least some of it now, as I'll be a long time dead and enjoy seeing her benefit from my own baby boomer good fortune.

JudgeJ · 30/05/2024 12:52

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/05/2024 01:40

You’re going over his bank accounts and outgoings?
WTF? It’s none of your business.

If you read it properly they went over their bank statements, no doubt he was also interested in the OP's outgoings too.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 30/05/2024 12:53

HolyCannoli · 30/05/2024 01:36

God, OP! It's none of your business really. Sounds like he can afford it and what else would he be spending his money on? It does seem expensive but it's all proportionate. I hope I'll be able to support my children into adulthood, anything to take the pressures off a bit and make life pleasurable. Isn't that what it's all about?

It is her business if they are getting serious and potentially combining finances.

Your "it's none of your business" comment is why many women end up in relationships with men who are so shitty with finances and get stuck with lots of debt etc.

Scarletttulips · 30/05/2024 12:53

Well it’s about 10% of his income.

10% of mine is loads less!! And I have 3 children.

Seems fine.

Maybe revisit when she marries.

Fargo79 · 30/05/2024 12:53

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

Who decides what is excessive? You? And what does she need to be taught, that can only be taught by her father choosing not to share his wealth with her?

As for the sexist and judgemental comment about not supporting herself and relying on men, she is 23 and earns £45k. She is doing very well (for herself!) and will almost certainly be out-earning you before she exits her twenties.

I think your "problem" is purely that you have designs on your partner's wealth and are trying to establish how you can convince him that his daughter should be less of a financial priority to him than you are, by canvassing public opinion on his financial choices and no doubt looking for little sound bites you can hit him with. He sounds like a good, generous dad so hopefully he'll easily see through this and rethink the marriage to protect his assets.

YourPithyLilacSheep · 30/05/2024 12:57

I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

Well it might be to you, but not to him.

He loves his daughter. This is a good thing.

YABU.

SensationalSusie · 30/05/2024 13:13

SouperWoman · 30/05/2024 12:44

@Anklie you need to re-think the housing/inheritance issue. The idea that you would be (hopefully very far in the future) a grieving widow but having to quickly organise moving home, leaving many memories behind, is cruel. Why would you do that to yourself?

This doesn’t have to impact your DSD’s ultimate inheritance. Many couples in this situation leave the home plus money for maintenance costs as a lifetime trust to their partner/spouse, to then be passed back into the biological family after your death. I would get this legally drawn up. If you think you might still want to move out, you can always get a clause that allows you to give up the trust earlier but when you are no longer grieving.

as for your DSD, she’s a lucky lady to have such a generous, wealthy dad. But in his position, I would do the same. As long as it doesn’t affect your finances, it’s not your business.

Careful not to be so judgmental of her lifestyle out loud… it will sound ugly and mean spirited.

@SouperWoman

Yes she needs right of residence for her sake, especially as she’ll be dumped in higher tax bracket etc. Trust I wouldn’t go for as she can piss a substantial part of it up the wall and daughter won’t see it.

But why worry about legalities, dicking about in a white dress for a day is more important 🙄
Honestly, unless you are going to have children together marriage is a bad idea.

zingally · 30/05/2024 13:15

I think this falls into the category of "rich people problems".

Especially if the only thing wrong with this chap is "over indulgent father", then I'd say you were on to a winner OP.

And if the DD is only 23, and already earning £45K - even in London - then she's clearly not stupid.

SanctusInDistress · 30/05/2024 13:16

My advice: if you want to keep your relationship, then stay out of it. His daughter, his money.

If you really don’t like it, then you know where the door is.

if you feel your money is going towards finding it, then you know where the door is.

wombat15 · 30/05/2024 13:19

What he gives his daughter is absolutely none of your business. What he does and doesn't "teach her" is also none of your business and why do you think you are so knowledgeable about life lessons for a 23 year old?. If she is earning 45K at 23 and her partner is on 6 figures it sounds like she is doing fine and you are just jealous.

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/05/2024 13:20

Is her boyfriend older or younger than your DP?

wombat15 · 30/05/2024 13:21

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/05/2024 13:20

Is her boyfriend older or younger than your DP?

OP says he is 30

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/05/2024 13:22

wombat15 · 30/05/2024 13:21

OP says he is 30

Show quote history

Oops, mis-read. I thought the bf was 58!

lalaloopyhead · 30/05/2024 13:24

I have no idea why you have a remotely hard time here OP. Financial transparency is key in a relationship surely. The 'non of your business' comments are a bit baffling to be honest, when on another thread you might get a LTB for not being given any financial info from a partner.
I think the situation of your partner funding his daughter is neither normal or not normal - you all seem to have a very healthy income and lifestyle and he can clearly afford it so it possibly won't impact on your lifestyle personally at all.
I think teaching financial independence is a very important lesson for children (as in adult children), but given that she already been gifted/inherited a £1million home it is unlikely that she is going to have to to endure the daily slog that a lot of us do.

ukku · 30/05/2024 13:24

She sounds thoroughly spoiled.

Doteycat · 30/05/2024 13:24

None of your business.
What we give/support our daughters with is no ones business but ours and anyone who commented on it woud be given short shrift.
Im sure buying a car and paying for college and helping with a wedding and a deposit would be excessive by some, but we can afford it and I absolutely DO NOT understand parents who can but dont.
Each one of my dds are educated and independant and know very well how lucky they are. #
Anyone coming into their life and making comments would soon be moved on.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 30/05/2024 13:24

dapsnotplimsolls · 30/05/2024 13:22

Oops, mis-read. I thought the bf was 58!

Show quote history

Yeah I am pretty sure the OP's boyfriend is 58. How could a 30 year old man have a 23 year old daughter @wombat15 ?!

BeardyButton · 30/05/2024 13:25

I think I would find this incredibly attractive. A man who gives a shit and puts his hand in his wallet for his kid. Another thread on the perils of step parents, even when the kid is grown.

I dare say you’d have no problem him spending these sums on you, even though it wouldn’t be teaching you anything!

wombat15 · 30/05/2024 13:27

Reugny · 30/05/2024 11:08

It's because this "child" is an adult so should be independent according to the OP.

The OP hasn't realised that if this "child" has children then as someone in a relationship with their parent, she will have expectations placed on her.

What the expectations are will depend on a lot of factors.

Show quote history

There is no reason to think OP will have expectations placed on her. The daughter is only 23 and is already earning 45K and her partners is earning 6 figures. She also has a house to live in. Sounds like she can manage fine and the father is just paying for extras because he can afford it and wants to.