Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

100% this.

If he was funding her wildly expensive shopping habit that might be a little different, but still nobody else's business really.

This. Huge red flag. For him.

Incredibly controlling and weird.

You’re in such a fortunate position OP.

your partner is of course entitled to treat his daughter anyway he wishes.

I’d try to get over this if you’re going to live harmoniously

This.

But the legal side and tax implications sound like a pain for you? I wouldn't get married, just have a party or whatever. Much easier to keep separate finances in your case.

Also, what he spends on his DD is up to him.

Yes, but we don't know whether it arose organically from a discussion that they both had, or whether one of them (she) asked for it and the other (he) agreed, whether happily or reluctantly.

If somebody said "Can I see your phone, because I want to see if you've been cheating... and you can see mine as well, if you want" - that could be argued that they both 'agreed', but I would still say that it was very unfairly 'agreed' on.

Anyone else getting the chills for this poor guy with a seriously meddling stepmother on the horizon. I want to say run!! If you are already casting judgements to this degree and you aren’t even married yet - what on earth will it be like once you are?! You sound like bad news op. Sorry.

Yeah, me too - I'm so devastated that my Mum was there for me right up until she died and that she didn't decide to abandon me and disappear to the other side of the world when I was 12, like this lucky lucky girl...

Yes, she's paying his bills as well as hers and he is paying for her housing as well as his.

I'm not saying that she's 'saving' - as in amassing - loads of money from renting out her house; but she is getting that income to be able to use it to offset her living costs under a different financial arrangement.

This ^

Only just got to this comment so if answered further on I apologise in advance. So he will have no mortgage to pay & no bills to pay, don’t you think he should be paying half the bills? Shouldn’t you be putting what is left over from your renting your home into an account for you ( not joint…. Just in case)

It is a lot of money and it probably sounds a lot when you don’t have children of your own to compare it to. My dh and I are not rich but we do have enough money to treat our two dc regularly. They are not spoilt and never demand or expect anything. They are both in university working hard, it just gives us so much pleasure treating them and as long as we have money we will continue to do this.

I agree with this.

Plus, monthly bills (utilities, internet, etc) are, obvs, a monthly cost. Home repair issues, on the other hand, only come up once in awhile. If in the first six months of living together there are no issues with his house, then you are paying for something while he is paying for nothing. That doesn't seem fair to you at all.

You each have a house so should view those repairs costs as equal (and separate). Then you split the monthly living costs 50-50 (which is still a bit unfair as he earns more than you do, even allowing for your annual rental income).

As for paying for those things for his daughter, I think that should be between the two of them - if he wants to spoil her, that's on him and is his business. Unless it's adversely affecting how much money he has to spend on time with you (travel, meals out, etc), then it really should not be your concern.

I'd imagine based on what your fiancé earns it's not an unusual amount to spend on his DD as long as he is happy to do so, which sounds like he is.

Before paying all the household bills for his house once you move in with your Fiancé do you intend on deducting x amount from your rental monies to put by, which won't be included in the joint household income/outgoings, for any future repairs to the property you'll be renting out.

I suppose the best outcome if you're not named on his deeds is you won't become a second home owner and have to pay extra taxs because of it.

It sounds like a lot. But the thing is... he earns well, he's mortgage-free, she's his only child and he can presumably afford the other things he wants in life.

So his thinking may be that he'd rather spend money on her now, on the things she enjoys, than amass it for her to inherit when he dies. Which makes sense - why shouldn't she enjoy it now (and he enjoy treating her) rather than her just getting a lot of money when he's not around to enjoy it with her and she's older, perhaps with children, and has less time for herself or for experiences?

Also, the elderly parents/flights thing makes total sense to me - presumably that's a gift for his parents as much as for his DD as she might visit less often if she was funding her own flights. She gives her time and he funds it, which presumably he can afford to do.

I think your perspective is perhaps skewed by the amounts involved, but even if there wasn't a well-off dad and high-earning partner in the picture, she's doing pretty well herself on £45k at her age. She doesn't really need a meal ticket.

If he's paying his proportion of the bills and you have no dependents, it's not really any of your business. Getting involved in parenting younger stepchildren is sometimes unavoidable but at 23, coming in and thinking you can teach her anything isn't going to go down well.

It is none of your business what he spends on his daughter, or what he pays out for her - none at all.

it is also none of your business how much the daughter's boyfriends earns - are you jealous ?

£900 a month is a lot to spend on the gym and personal training unless you're some kind of pro/semi-pro athlete.

But aside from that, yeah, she's not going to be a happy person really.

If he was bankrupting himself to do this then yes, that would be excessive. But if he can comfortably afford it, is happy doing it, and it won't impact or change what you're putting into your house together then it's his decision to make, it's essentially his leftover income after contributing to house/pension etc which is he wants to spend it on his only child, then cool!

Why did you need to see his bank account to see if he was gambling? If you are going to marry him you need to trust him. Seems unhealthy to need to scrutinise bank statements.

He’s taking home plenty and can afford to support his daughter. Yes it’s a lot of money to most people but to him it’s very affordable and she’s his daughter so it’s up to him. I understand you might be a bit surprised but be careful you aren’t judgey as most parents do not appreciate their parenting being questioned.

I don't think it is actually.

My sister spends more than that on 2x Pilates, 2x PT, 2x Tennis and 2x Gym each week.
A good PT in London who is going to get to know you, your body, your goals etc. won't come cheap. Pilates is bloody extortionate.

You can't really put a price on health and fitness and if a PT and a nicer gym is what it takes to motivate you to keep fit then it's well worth it.

Why are you paying all the bills?

Well, if it's all coming for free then everything is worth it 😏

But I prefer to spend my time - regardless of the money aspect - on things bigger than myself. So to me it's not worth it, because there's a ceiling as to how good you can look and how healthy you can be when you're decaying and dying anyway. It's kind of sad that people are so excessive about it when you could half the time and have the same results, and do something worthwhile instead.

He sounds like a total catch. Agree that it's a bit excessive but since it doesn't impact on you i wouldn't worry - shows he's generous unlike the other mean DPs who regularly feature on MN

@Anklie you need to re-think the housing/inheritance issue. The idea that you would be (hopefully very far in the future) a grieving widow but having to quickly organise moving home, leaving many memories behind, is cruel. Why would you do that to yourself?

This doesn’t have to impact your DSD’s ultimate inheritance. Many couples in this situation leave the home plus money for maintenance costs as a lifetime trust to their partner/spouse, to then be passed back into the biological family after your death. I would get this legally drawn up. If you think you might still want to move out, you can always get a clause that allows you to give up the trust earlier but when you are no longer grieving.

as for your DSD, she’s a lucky lady to have such a generous, wealthy dad. But in his position, I would do the same. As long as it doesn’t affect your finances, it’s not your business.

Careful not to be so judgmental of her lifestyle out loud… it will sound ugly and mean spirited.