Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

They agreed to look at their statements together. OP had previous trauma, so wants to be assured, which DF was okay with. Those are their boundaries, others of us have different boundaries with our DHs, and that’s okay.

Honestly I think you’re just jealous that he’s spending that much on his DD and not on you. You don’t like the idea that some of his outgoings are going to her not on your lifestyle together.

A friend of mine (I use the term loosely) became very “concerned” that her partner who was on 500k pa was giving money to his sister and her kids who were not so well off. She tried to frame it that she was concerned he was being too kind or taken advantage of, but really she just wanted all his income for herself.

I was trying to establish what is seen as normal!

There’s no such thing as normal, every family, every relationship is different. And you know that perfectly well.

There is a lot one could say about this, and I don't think you are being unreasonable to wonder about his thought processes here, but I'll keep it simple.

Unless he was earning less than you or the same, and his choice to keep subsidising his adult daughter for unnecessary luxuries put an unfair burden on you, then it's really none of your business. He has a good income, far better than yours and it's entirely up to him how he spends it. Even after spending on his daughter he still has much more disposable income than you do, so it shouldn't affect your ability to have holidays, carry out home repairs or anything else you might wish to do as a couple in the future.

Where this might be an issue in future is if you are much younger than him and you do intend to have children yourself.

I earn way less but as a proportion I am still subbing DD the same sort of percentage of my income

it's a relatively small amount ( as a fraction of his income) and he's open about it - so don't see why you have a problem?

So many posters have said similar- did you all miss the part in the op where they BOTH agreed to discuss each other’s financial situation and go through bank statements etc? Plus the op has been burned by a gambling husband previously so you can’t blame her for being a bit cautious.
It makes complete sense when you’re making a legal commitment such as marriage, which carries financial implications in the event of a split, to understand each other's income and outgoings, and their spending habits. Agreeing on money is fundamental to a successful relationship.

Upthread, OP said she’s mid-50s and he’s late-50s.

Can you imagine this from the daughter’s perspective? Dad’s new girlfriend is moving in and wants him to stop paying for my PT.

Brace yourself, he will probably pay for her wedding when she gets married. My parents are much less well off and pay out a similar amount for my nephew’s nursery. It is not unusual for parents to continue to give their adult children money. Would you feel better about it if he was paying her rent?

I would probably just keep my mouth shut. He can afford it so it’s up to him, if you start questioning it and he stops paying for his daughters activities it could cause a big fall out between you and her? If it doesn’t effect him paying his way then it’s not an issue. And if he wants to confuse funding it after he retires that’s his choice too.

Honestly, if I had plenty of money and no mortgage I’d happily spend out large amounts on my kids, even as adults.

As long as it didn’t stop us enjoying our lives in the process then I’d enjoy making their lives easier and comfortable. Rather that than stash it all in savings until I’m gone.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

Could be she trains to help with a health issue such as mental health or diabetes/recovery after accident or surgery/or to prevent weight gain and stay fit.

Regardless, she and her father think it is worthwhile.

And it is absolutely none of the OP’s business.

Lucky lucky girl. It's understandable if you're a bit jealous of her as I certainly am!

Oh, I do have a somewhat bias view as my DF has always been happy to treat me to things (nothing like to that degree though!) and my 2nd stepmum was so angry about it. It was definitely a contributing factor in their break up that whenever he did anything for me she completely resented it, even though it didn’t actually impact on her.

Op, apologies if somebody has already said this or you have covered this as I have skimmed the replies but not read every post on all 13 pages! I think you need to speak to an Independent Financial Advisor before you move in with your fiancé. Once your house is no longer your residence you may be liable for capital gains tax if you sell it in the future. As a higher rate tax payer, and presumably with a pension that would mean you remain a higher rate tax payer, this could be a hefty sum. So for example, in the scenario you have described where your new husband dies first, say in twenty years time, and you then move out of his house and straight into a care home, the fact that you have CGT on your own home to pay would significantly reduce the amount of money available for you to pay for a care home and could make the difference between living your days out in very comfortable surroundings or somewhere less ideal. An IFA will be able to advise you on the implications of this and advise how you and your fiancé put in place an arrangement to ensure that you aren’t disadvantaged by CGT purely because of your joint decision to live in your fiancé’s property rather than yours.

In terms of your actual question, it does seem nuts but I would suggest ignoring this aspect if it isn’t impacting on your fiancé’s ability to contribute equally financially to your new life together.

But she isn’t saving that income she’s paying all his bills as well as hers

It's tax efficient for IHT purposes to pay certain regular bills for the daughter - regular gifts from surplus income don't get caught.

It's not pointless fluff. It's incredibly expensive and way beyond the means of almost all of us but rich people tend to be healthier because they can afford this kind of investment in their health from a young age.

Sounds like it is a wedding ceremony but not an actual marriage you are wanting. Like another poster said, marriage is a contract and spouses are entitled to a certain percentage of the other's asset... prenuptial agreement is not really enforceable in the UK so if you both are adamant not a penny of your asset would be left to each other, best way to ensure that is not to get married. Unless of course you both trust each other completely now and forever, which only you (and he) would know. You can have a lovely ceremony without anyone else ever knowing if you are legally married - think Jerry Hall and Mack Jagger!

My dad and step mum did this.
They told everyone they had done the actual paper signing marriage part a week before. They hadn't. They both had assets they wanted to protect.
My step mum still changed her surname but they were never married.
Maybe consider this OP?

Well said!

If I could afford to do that for my adult D.C. I would. If they were work-shy layabouts I wouldn't do it but in fact they both work hard and I am happy to treat them to the extent my income allows.

You sound jealous. Mind your business! As long as he contributes where he needs too then it should be none of your concern

I think most parents would help out their adult child in anyway financially, if they could. Is that not the goal, for your children to be better off than you?

She’s on a good wage at quite a young age so it doesn’t sound like she’s lazy. As long as she’s not a spoiled brat, and her dad can afford it (which he evidently can), then I don’t see the issue. Yeah it’s a lot, but they’re clearly very wealthy so it’s all relative to their lifestyle. What an unbelievably lucky young woman!

When my DDs (now in their 30s) were in their early 20s I helped them out as much as I could. It gave me pleasure. Proportionately I probably subbed them to the same sort of extent as your DP, although I wasn't earning anything like as much so it wasn't as noticeable. I do think giving our (young) adult children some of the luxuries they enjoy is one of life's great pleasures. It sounds like your DP can afford it, and his daughter is already earning a fantastic salary for her age, so it's not like he's encouraging her to be economically inactive at his expense. I don't see the problem.