Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

He gets to choose exactly what he spends his money on.

It is a lot of money, yes. However, if he can afford it then why not. He sounds like a good father to me.

You have no children so have no idea what it's like. You would give them the World if you could.

I think this is all pertinent.

It's not the same scenario, but I can see some parallels between this and the other thread about the very young woman who also lost her mother as a child (in her case, she died) and whose uncle was now seeking to punish her by robbing her of most of her inheritance from her grandmother on the grounds that she had been somehow 'lucky' because her mother had died so young.

None of us who haven't been in the same situation can possibly comprehend all that this young woman has gone through in her life, living with the knowledge that her own mother decided to leave her aged 12 and disappear to the other side of the world. It may well be that her father felt a need to 'make it up' to her by continuing to financially provide for her generously; not that it ever could replace your mother abandoning you.

@Anklie I would say the amount he spends on his daughter isn't unreasonable and probably just a continuation of costs he has paid over the years, likely to be school fees & university support.

Also it's sensible given inheritance tax and my guess is he will continue to be generous to her over the years and perhaps more so if she has children. This will be something you will need to make peace with. Generally parents want to provide their children with anything that makes their lives easy and that can sometimes trip over (into outsiders viewing) it as indulgence.

If finances got tighter, such as you not having rental income for a period of time, whilst taking your pension would you still want to pay most of the bills?

I have a few very political friends who felt strongly that they didn't want to enter into the institution of marriage for various reasons. These days they could have a civil partnership but this was before they were available to heterosexual couples. Anyway, they used solicitors to draw up various legal documetns to replicate the protections of marriage without actually being married. It was an almighty faff and a lot more expensive than a quiet registry office wedding but it was what they wanted and they were happy with it all.

OP and her fiancé are going to have to do the same but in reverse. I do wonder if it might be an awful lot easier to explore other ways of having a celebration and public commitment without entering into a marriage contract.

I’m confused. Your husband’s aunt’s flat. Do you mean your ex husband or your boyfriend?

It's none of your business.

He can easily afford it based on what you've written. He can't take it with him when he's gone, frankly, and he's getting to see her enjoy doing what she loves/needs in her life while he's still here. Added benefit of avoiding inheritance tax on these regular expenditures of his loved one.

Again, none of your business.

I have to agree with this as it applies to so many people I knew at university. It's only when you realise the levels of relatively modest intergenerational privilege that you understand why so many things seem comparatively effortless for them, without any of the pressures of debt, precarious housing etc which are the norm for so many graduates. It also shows why access to higher education is only the first step of social mobility.

I have to say, OP, that he seems to be spending the money on very wholesome things which will probably help her to ensure good health throughout her life. In comparison, the people I'm thinking of who received allowances and handouts from wealthy parents often sent much of it up their noses on horrible cocaine habits.

It's a lot, but you aren't even married so it's no concern of yours. At all. Period. If you are going to share finances when married, I guess it does become your business, but to what extent will it actually impact you if he has as much money as you say he does. I mean do discuss it with him, but it sounds like you are both going to be rich, so does it really matter? I mean, if it's your joint money you should have a say, but if there's nothing else you'll need the money for it sounds selfish to say he can't give it to his kid!

I don't see the issue with him paying her gym etc, in his position. You sound very fair otherwise OP. Due to that, I wouldn't get married. If you do, and you die first, there is a chance your niece and nephew will get nothing,regardless of your will,if your husband contests it. You might think he wouldn't, but I wouldn't take that chance. Only giving you up to 12 months to get out if he dies is ridiculous too. He thinks different to you, as a parent. 12 months is nothing in these circumstances.

Seems like a nice thing for him to be doing. My dad has always paid for my car insurance. I’ve tried to tell him I don’t need him to do that anymore, but he likes to feel that he’s doing something kind for me.

So much money.........get a grip

I agree that he isn’t wealthy but the OP will be taking home about £4k a month. Her partner will be taking home closer to £7k after deductions.

@Zhampagne "Anyway, they used solicitors to draw up various legal documetns to replicate the protections of marriage without actually being married. It was an almighty faff and a lot more expensive than a quiet registry office wedding but it was what they wanted and they were happy with it all."
Neither a faff nor particularly expensive. Significantly less faff than even the simplest wedding I have ever been involved with!

@Anklie

I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates.

WOW, are these London prices??? £800 a month for 8 personal trainer sessions a month? (so £9,600 a year?!) And 2 grand a year for the gym, and 3 grand a year for pilates? OMFG! 😆

I couldn't be with anyone who thought it was OK to spend this kind of money on pointless fluff.

As a pp said, this relationship isn't going to work anyway. You are too invested in his finances. And he's not going to stop supporting his Princess is he? She's in her mid 20s and he is bankrolling her. She should be ashamed to be honest. How embarrassing.

It's a massive amount of money - and I'd personally not pay that for an adult child - but it is his money therefore he can spend it how he wishes.
It'd be different if this spending meant he was struggling to pay his way in your relationship, or if it was going to affect your future as a couple. But as he has a very generous salary then what's it to you if he spends it on his daughter or on himself (e.g. a couple of designer items a month, or a mad sound system, or a very flash car).

Never understood people who go for people with kids then complain about money or time being spent on said kids. Surely paying for his child's gym membership isn't something to get your knickers in a twist about?

OP, you're getting a bit of a hard time here about being 'controlling' when you stated in your original post that 'we' (ie: 'both' of you) had agreed to go through your finances together.

Maybe your fiance was just as interested in your finances to check you were solvent enough not to rely on him - that's something quite a good deal of everyone calling you 'controlling' possibly didn't think about.

I think transparency in finances is a good way to start a cohabiting arrangement, especially when couples are a bit older and aren't going inherit/benefit ultimately from the demise of one or other of the partners.

If you say so @CurlewKate. I can only comment based on my friends' arrangements which cost a lot more in time and money than twenty minutes and £56 for a statutory marriage / CP ceremony!

@SensationalSusie the OP is deliberately ignoring posters who point this out to her as she wants a wedding.

I think this IS your business. What is going to happen when she has a baby and wants daddy to pay for all of that, baby yoga and playgroups, then she'll want a house, then a better house with garden near a nice school, then holidays in the school hols, where will it end?

How long will it be until its all oh will you cover that, DD has such and such expense, repeat ad infinitum, until you are paying for everything?

The living expenses being paid for with the rental income of your flat aleady tell to that. That money should be going in a pot for repairs/upkeep or your savings or pension, not funding his living costs.

At 23 she should pe paying for her own life.

I'd be wary of moving in/marriage, in this situation. Is all this even real, do you know he has all this money for a fact or is it all smoke and mirrors to fleece you in the end?

Well yes I know the money is real - we just went through the bank statements!

100%

This is exactly what intergenerational wealth looks like. And explains how so many start on an uneven playing field in life ... some are born trying to afford the kit and make a team, while others are born with 10 goals already in their team's net.

It's because this "child" is an adult so should be independent according to the OP.

The OP hasn't realised that if this "child" has children then as someone in a relationship with their parent, she will have expectations placed on her.

What the expectations are will depend on a lot of factors.

Dh and I have been together for 16 years, have 2 dc and a house with a mortgage - and seriously, I've never looked through his bank statements, nor he mine. I mean I suppose if there was a reason to, maybe? We have had to supply reams of them, both personal and business accounts, when we applied for our mortgage and when I applied for Indefinite Leave to Remain (and citizenship) in the UK. But honestly, I've never looked at them or noted what he spends his money on. Because he has enough of it and is very responsible. It really does seem all very intense.

Trust.