Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

So if you are not expecting to leave your money to him after you die, and he is not expecting to leave his money to you after he dies - both of which are perfectly understandable and normal for a couple that meet later in life having had previous relationships and/or children - and you know that he is very comfortably able to more than pay his way in his life with you... why would you be remotely bothered about how he spends his spare money - whether he gives it to his DD, buys a sports car or spends it all on football stickers?

Unless, of course, it was on a dangerous, otherwise concerning and/or very unhealthy pursuit - such as, like you said, if he had randomly had a gambling problem; or if he were seeing escorts; or if he were into parkour, leaping between the roofs of skyscrapers.

I assume you have factored into accoun that as a higher rate tax payer your rental income will be subject to 40% tax.

Yes I have.

That's fine - but if it's not about the finances why are you questioning how he spends his money? I get wanting to make sure you're both fine to pay bills (and can see you being concerned about gambling/hidden debts as ultimately, you are going to be married) - but then if he has his disposable income it's up to him what he spends it on?

Surely your rental income is just another income.

His is £160k
Yours is £70k plus rental income.

Neither have mortgage.
You pay for repairs on your property, he on his.

You split bills.

I find it fascinating that there are posters who find these sums so implausible as to think this is fiction. This situation is exactly what quiet inherited wealth looks like when it compounds through the generations. It's not rambling country piles and titles: it's lucky breaks buying a flat in Ladbroke Grove in the 80s and hanging on to it in the family, access to higher education without crippling student debt, etc etc.

You do sound very judgemental, OP. Millions of grandparents support their children with free childcare with a market value well in excess of the sums you describe. Is that equally excessive and not teaching them anything?

I’d love to be able to spend like that on my DC when they’re adults, I’d also kick any partner to the curb that even suggested I shouldn’t be spending my own money exactly how I want to. You sound like you’re not at all ready to be a part of a family and perhaps should look at a child free partner so you’re not envious of their children.

But by me renting out my property and living with him, he is done out of the opportunity of renting out his.
So there is a financial benefit on my side but not his.

Either way I'm happy with the set up, it is my idea.

I want to have a wedding - it's not the finances that make me want to do it. It's wanting to show commitment.
It's not for everyone that's fine - but we want to do it.

But a 'wedding' means a legal contract tying your finances together - so presumably you've both got watertight pre nuptial agreements that intense and protect your assets?

It sounds a lot but I will guess this is just a platinum David Lloyd membership with a PT every two weeks and a weekly 1-1 Pilates hour.

If so it’s expensive yes but hardly excessive. The Pilates is bumping it up but worth every penny.

@Anklie

To answer your question, yes this would be seen as normal or actually a little less than normal considering the amount of wealth.

A lot of people this age are studying, and have about 15k landed on them by parents earning above the threshold as your partner/husband(?!) is, money or provision of free/subsidised accomodation/utilities, some have a car provided as well. Most of these people are on less than 160k and while it’s a stretch it’s considered normal to support young adults to some extent.

Even when they are working there can be some degree of parental support. We intend to gift a house or at least big deposit, and to cover some holidays, health stuff and weddings if any. Myself and my children continue to benefit from a family timeshare and a few other things, should we do without this to support my father’s girlfriend?!

Genuinely, you would be inappropriate and unreasonable to demand he stop supporting her in young adulthood the way he is. It would be punishing her for having divorced parents or bereavement of her mother. And I wouldn’t imagine it would foster positive relations between her and yourself.

It’s likely if she disapproved of you strongly you would be straight out the door. His daughter is always going to be more important to him.

Then you both can afford to take properly legal advice on your wills in anticipation of your wedding.

That way you can ensure your own properties and other asserts are left to who you individually want.

BTW depending on the type of pension he has you may end up being the default beneficiary if you are married and he dies first, and vice versa.

knowing and butting in with her judgement are two different things

Nope, not David Lloyd - not sure on the gym
And the £850 is for 10 PT sessions, she uses 2 a week. Pilates is group sessions too.
Though good guesses!

It's a lot but it's his choice and he can afford it. Don't get involved or you'll be the wicked stepmother and that will kill your relationship faster than Snow White was (nearly) killed with that apple!

You should be paying bills 50-50. Yes I understand he’ll be covering maintenance costs on the house - boiler breaking, roof fixing etc - but so will you on your house. OP he clearly has money to burn, and whilst you’re well off too, you’re not as minted as him. You’d be mad to pay all the bills yourself!

It's a legal financial contract with implications for the people you want to name as your heirs. It's not impossible to work around that but it's an extra layer of complication and it can go wrong.

If you want to pledge commitment publicly, you could have a commitment/blessing ceremony that doesn't have legal status.

I'm not making a moral judgment on it; just stating the fact that he will be providing her with free accommodation. As you say, if he moved in with her on the same basis, she would be providing him with free accommodation.

Something that you get but don't directly pay for IS free, regardless of whether you wanted/needed it or if you could easily have afforded to pay for it.

You’re asking if it’s normal, well no it’s probably not normal, but neither is that sort of wage normal, he has disposable income he chooses to spend on her, god hobbies like health- not just million of handbags! She doesn’t have a mum who left he at an important time, pre teen, and he is doing his best for her with the means he has. I honestly see no issue with it

@Anklie

but don’t you see legally this is not remotely sensible and will massively compromise and jeopardise expected inheritances for your neices/nephews/his daughter amongst other things?!

I think you are going to have to seek legal advice and get wills and some other documents drawn up to protect. And potentially think about signing over property in life rather than after death. If you go ahead.

It's not your business as long as he pays 50%of the living costs.
I wouldn't move in with someone who questioned what I spend on my adult children

Thats a lot of exercise! 🤣

Well the good news is she’s doing this fairly economically. God brace you if she moves to DL and has 10 PTs + moves to 1-1 Pilates rather than group 🤣

Which she will do at some point. An hour of 1-1 Pilates is immeasurably better. 😬😅

Ever read Cinderella? That is why.

Precisely.

We get 2 days per wk childcare saving £6,240, plus access to timeshare saving £2,500, plus the odd big holiday, family meals and bday/Xmas. Conversations had around contributing to private ed of DGC if required.

Well beyond 23!

It's a lot of money but he is well-off and can obviously afford it. From his perspective, he may feel he's spending part of her eventual inheritance on her now whilst he is still alive to see her enjoy it.

Whether he spends it on her now or she inherits later, she's going to come into a substantial amount of money (assuming he doesn't need it for care home fees) so she's a fortunate girl whatever way you look at it. Would you think it was 'excessive' if he dropped dead next week and she inherited all the money through death?