Paying over £1000 for adult child's hobbies

[Anklie]

I've been seeing a man for over 2 years. We are in the process of moving in together and are engaged. I love him and don't intend to leave him over this. I have no children of my own so need perspective.
He earns well, we are both mortgage free, we are keeping my property and renting it out and using the income to cover our bills.

Tonight we were going through our bank statements we agreed to do this as in living together we think transparency is important (I was mainly looking for signs of gambling after my ex husband).
I found out he spends £800+ per month on his daughter's (she is 23) personal training (2 times a week), £140 on her gym membership and £260 on her pilates. On top of that he pays for two private members club fees every year.
She lives in a 1 million pound flat near Hyde park, she wants for nothing! She makes 45k but her boyfriend is making over 6 figures at 30.
He makes £160,000 a year but is currently putting 15-20% a month into his pension. He wants to retire soon (he's 58).
Now I make £70,000 and have no one relying on me so I know it won't impact me but I just feel this is excessive.
This is on top of other excessive spending on her at birthday and Christmas, and paying for her to go visit his elderly parents in France around 6 times a year for a weekend (this is really just flights but it adds up!).

AIBU to think this is excessive and not really teaching her anything?
I get the impression she intends to go from her dad funding to her boyfriend funding her!

I wouldn't want to, his daughter grew up in that home, it's hers I'm not interested in having it. If I die first I'm not leaving him a penny, I want my niece and nephews to have that!

OP - this relationship isn’t going to work.

Regardless of whether you or anyone thinks he’s excessive in the treatment of his daughter, it’s his right to do what he wants.

It will cause continued resentment and you are a fool if you don’t see it.

Because you will never feel it’s ‘ok’ for him to spend that on her it will be the source of jibes and digs and bad feeling.

And getting married is to join assets. If you’re not entitled to anything and are keeping assets brought in unchanged why bother? You both earn good money and have property and are past having children. You’re better off staying as you are.

Precisely @EatTheGnome

My father is a widower and has been set upon by a bunch of middle aged money hungry hornets who have done everything in their power to meddle in our relationship, trying to divert his attention and (my mother’s) money away from his children and grandchildren.

At certain points we thought we were going to lose him entirely which after being bereaved was like a double whammy!

For this precise reason my will is set up to give direct to DC, because I never want them or DH to be so vulnerable to manipulation. DH gets life insurance policy. House has to be sold if he takes up with someone else and my portion given to DC.

I think it’s fine

45k is neither low nor average for London at age 23. Sheesh. She’s a lucky girl.

I don't resent it!
I was trying to establish what is seen as normal!!
I wouldn't do it if it were my child - but it isn't, so I don't care. If it affects our life I will say something but otherwise that's fine.
I'm not a wicked step mother.

But presumably she is currently living there herself?

So moving out and into his house releases a valuable asset that she can then rent out for a lot of income, which she couldn't do if she still needed it to house herself.

I'm not saying that she needs him to provide her with housing at all; purely that, if he is doing so, the considerable amount of money that that will generate for her in rent should not be overlooked when it comes to the contribution that she can/should make.

The high spending on his daughter probably evens up the disposable income you both have. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t pay more than half the household bills and any leftover should be yours to spend on yourself or your nieces and nephews. I’m guessing that he intends to reduce how much he spends on his daughter when he retires. It is certainly a significant dent into his retirement planning. But I would tread carefully and not show irritation. She is clearly his darling only daughter.

The high spending on his daughter probably evens up the disposable income you both have. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t pay more than half the household bills and any leftover should be yours to spend on yourself or your nieces and nephews. I’m guessing that he intends to reduce how much he spends on his daughter when he retires. It is certainly a significant dent into his retirement planning. But I would tread carefully and not show irritation. She is clearly his darling only daughter.

@Anklie

Why does it matter it it’s normal or not?

Nothing about their situation is ‘normal’ anyway.

I don’t think (nor did I imply) you’re a wicked stepmother.

But it’s an outright lie that you don’t resent it in some way.

I'm not sure marrying is a good idea if you both want to leave everything to other people. It will complicate the inheritances you want to leave...and I'm sorry to say that surviving spouses who are expected to leave their deceased partner's family something can really, really surprise you. I wouldn't risk it.

As for the rest of it, he can easily afford it and it's really nothing to do with you. Leave it.

It does though, it lets her pay her bills from a rental income, with her salary untouched. If she lived in her property alone she'd not have the rental income.

@Anklie I appreciate you say you wouldn't do it if it were your child but you can't know that given that you have no children. Please don't misunderstand me, I don't mean that to be rude. But the drive to help your kids is powerful. My DH and I are fairly near retirement and I've been forecasting our income and expenditure over the coming years. I'm still budgeting for helping our daughter. Not because she demands it but because I want to. I love her and want her to have the best lifestyle.

I don't necessarily think you're being controlling or grabby or weird about wanting financial transparency. Your experience with your gambling ex will have burned so I see why you're still cautious. Hope all goes well for you and your partner together.

He sounds like a really good father, and it sounds like she has has a huge amount to deal with after her mother running off in her really vulnerable teenage years. He is supportive and made sure she is secure in her future and hopefully she feels very secure. He's made sure her connection to her grandparents continues as well.
I don't think you should think anything of this other than what a good guy.

To sort the rental situation out.

Currently I pay all the bills out of my salary, so my current income is salary - bills.
My partner currently pays all his bills out of his salary so he is salary - bills.

When I move in I will be paying bills from rental income so I will be salary + excess rental income.
He will be Salary - large repair costs.

Can someone explain how this is unfair?

I now get all my salary plus some excess rental income which I didn't before. He now saves on his bills. It's a financially positive move for both of us - and my choice!

OP, just wondering why you and your partner are getting married? It seems to want to keep finances separate and leave nothing to each other if either of you died (this is obviously fine if you're both happy with that), so just wondering what the point of getting married is in this situation.

I think this is none of your business and you should not try to make it so. It sounds like you were previously happy with your arrangement (although I would not be) until you realised that he was paying this money to his daughter (and you do sound resentful about that).

He sounds like a loving father and really, he can spend his money how he wishes, as can you.

It's not something I'd do for my child but I couldn't afford to on my salary. I probably would if I could afford it though, as long as I wasn't making myself destitute. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer, it's his choice to do it but it's your choice to decide if it's something you can handle in a relationship.

I want to have a wedding - it's not the finances that make me want to do it. It's wanting to show commitment.
It's not for everyone that's fine - but we want to do it.

I don't think you should be comparing them to what is 'normal'.
Your mum walking out when you are 12 is not 'normal', therefore already their situation shouldn't be compared to others.
His income is far from average, and therefore he is able to provide above average support to his daughter.

@RacingLine

yes totally

For our DC it is £3600 minimum per annum for day to day costs, then food/housing/utilities/holidays, 0-5 you have 5-15k childcare costs, 5-18 a similar amount on wrap around/extracurricular/tuition and so on, then the uni years also similar, possibly more.

Unless you’re used to it, it looks extravagant.

Could be seen as stingy to give her only 12% of income except she has the flat presumably rent free or reduced rent.

Well yes but how does that relate to your point about him providing her with free accomodation she currently has "free" accomodation. She is preserving a home to return to in the event that things don't work out and she is not looking to profit from his assets. The same would be true if he moved in with her.

If she’s his only child maybe it’s his way of reducing the inheritance tax implications should he die. Ie she’s having it now rather than being taxed on it later.

My widowed sister randomly gives her only DC chunks of money for the same reason.

I agree it does seem a lot, if it doesn’t impact on his, or your life together then forget about it.

My response was to a post about her getting "free accomodation" by moving in with her partner. She already has "free accomodation".

My DH and I are fairly near retirement and I've been forecasting our income and expenditure over the coming years. I'm still budgeting for helping our daughter. Not because she demands it but because I want to. I love her and want her to have the best lifestyle.

But do you fund your daughter’s hobbies? And does your daughter earn above the median U.K wage and has a huge amount of disposable income @Hecatoncheires ?