12 year old home alone

[Ohwhoknows]

My DP, with whom I do not live, is planning to leave his 12 year old home alone for twelve hours four days a well as those are his shifts/travelling and she won’t agree to go to summer activities. I think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t. What do you think? AIBU?

I was left in the school holidays from around this age and I loved it. Going to activities was my idea of hell. I didn’t know it at the time but I am an introvert and those six weeks to just relax were wonderful. I did and always have enjoyed my own company. Sometimes I would go and meet some friends at the park or have one or two round but not every day.

I was a pretty sensible kid, my mum left me lunch that was easy to put together and I had some emergency phone numbers and money incase anything came up. I had her work number and my aunties work number and had strict instructions not to answer the door if I wasn’t expecting anyone.

This is a great idea, thank you!

My kids were home alone at 12 in the holidays. They didn’t want to go to clubs at 12, and I’d be gone from around 8-5pm. All perfectly capable of making some lunch and contacting me if any issues. I’ve got no family nearby so wasn’t much choice but to leave them. They also used to get the bus home from school at 11, my middle child at only just 11 too being an August baby. All adults or nearly (youngest 16) and perfectly well adjusted adults / kids. Youngest stays overnight at times too on her own, again perfectly capable

What hours does the Dad work?
If he leaves the house early, I assume she would be sleeping, or at least in bed for the first few hours.

It’s not illegal and I don’t think it’s neglectful either. I was more than happy to entertain myself at that age. I wasn’t alone all through the holidays though, I saw friends on occasion. I remember meeting friends in town a few times, we thought we were so civilised going to a cafe!

My kids arent this age yet but I'm shocked at how much supervision people think teens need these days. I know times are different but wow.

I was out doing my own thing from probably 8 or 9yo onwards growing up in the 90s.

My parents went away for the weekend (overseas) and left me in charge at 14yo. I used to go to the dentist & doctor by myself.

The nearest I got to a summer club was volunteering to work in one to earn some money. I loved the freedom and would have felt patronised at the suggestion I would need supervision!

Even if she's safe, she might be miserable.
12 hours in isolation for a child is too long.

I’m also not concerned about the supervision element (I was babysitting at around 13) although I do think it’d be a good idea to have a friend or neighbour check in on her now and then, but my concern would be the social aspect. I appreciate that for introverts this would be fine but I can’t imagine my 11yo or most kids that age I know going all that time alone with no social contact with anyone and being happy or even ok.

They almost all have devices that can serve up (potentially) inappropriate content at the touch of a button and that never runs out.

With the best will in the world, I couldn't have spent that kind of time doomscrolling a ZX Spectrum in the 1980s as it didn't do much...nor was there much on telly...

And no-one ever cyber bullied me on the Spectrum either!

Maybe if she has an agreed routine for the 12 hours that would be ok?

10am cereal and bath
11am ring nana
12 noon soup and bread - tv show
1pm dad rings
2pm . . . . you get the gist

otherwise the 12 hours stretching out ahead of you would feel so big and empty at 12.

Sorry, that was in response to @Eyeballpaula. Point being it does matter what they're entertaining themselves with. DD would spend 11 hours watching YouTube shorts and an hour eating snacks potentially.

I agree with you, there's access to a whole world of inappropriate stuff on the Internet which I'm cautious about.

I know so many people that don't monitor younger children's Internet use, the parents are physically present but oblivious. Is this the dynamic with older kids now? That parents arrange clubs to keep them off the Internet all day?

This is a genuine question as mine are still infant/ primary. I know this isn't the point of this thread, but childhood seems so adult led these days 😐

Well, if you have a child that struggles to moderate screen use, then yes, booking activities that don't use them is rather helpful!

I hear the Silicon Valley squillionaires use such schools and activities routinely. They know what they created.

DD isn't generally doing anything too dodgy online (there have been exceptions, but I know this as I was there), however, I want a bit more for her from school holidays than watching mindless stuff for multiple hours.

I'd have no worries about my younger niece. Left to herself for 12 hours, she'd crochet a scale model of Hogwarts or something...

Yes, it’s that that concerns me

She’s not an introvert, either

If she gets bored can’t she decide to do some of the many available activities at a later date? Does she have to decide now if she’s going to be bored in august? I’m never bored on my own, only when I’m with people.
What has he done in other holidays since she started secondary school?

It’s not about her being bored, it’s about looking after your child and not leaving them
isolated for days at a time

It is only illegal if it places the child at risk.

Depends how mature the 12 year old is some can be left alone but others are no way ready

How she feels about it is probably the most important things. If she's an 'old 12', and quite capable and is keen, then yeah fine. If she's a 'young 12', would be stressed and panic, wouldn't know what to do in an emergency, then probably not fine.

Other things are
-What are the 12 hours? if its 6am - 6pm, and she won't be getting up until 10am, then that makes a difference, but if it's 11am-11pm, and she'll be having to make her own dinner and put herself to bed that might be different.
-Are there other neighbours or friend nearby in case of an emergency?
-What would the alternative actually be? Lots of holiday clubs here only take primary school aged children, so by 12 you're not eligible for the 'child care' side of things, and a club would have to be for a specific sport or interest
-Would this be 4 12 hour shifts every week across the entire school summer holidays, or is it just for one week that she's got off that he can't work his shifts around?

At 14? Are they very 'young' for their age or are you overprotective?