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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12 year old home alone

171 replies

Ohwhoknows · 29/05/2024 22:27

My DP, with whom I do not live, is planning to leave his 12 year old home alone for twelve hours four days a well as those are his shifts/travelling and she won’t agree to go to summer activities. I think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t. What do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 16:47

Ohwhoknows · 30/05/2024 14:28

@FawnFrenchieMum ah, he could be contacted at work if there were a real emergency, but not for chats/reassurance

Well back in my day as a teen there were no mobiles so if I needed anything I had to ring a work number and be put through to a parent, I'm sure there were lots of us that had the same back in the day

I might have missed it but are there any neighbours about incase of an emergency ?

OverfilledBookcase · 30/05/2024 16:47

If the child is happy to stay on her own and not worried or frightened about it, it will be absolutely fine. DC these days are not like generations before who generally needed a lot of parental input to do stuff to prevent boredom. They have loads to do without having to leave home.

Not particularly healthy to be indoors all day but in some ways a safer option than making her attend activities which I assume she has to get to and from herself with no one at home to check she got back on time, went off with people she doesn’t know etc. Can he go for a walk with her after work?

Your DP needs to just ensure she has plenty of food she doesn’t need to cook to eat, reminded not to answer the door at all, and not really to be sleeping while alone in the house as I’d be uncomfortable in case of someone trying to get in if car is not there.

Can he get a video doorbell put up, so he and she see who’s there? Also a good deterrent. DH often answers the door while he’s at work if I’m on a work call or out! Also make sure back of house is secure.

She must have someone to call, if not police emergency, like a family member even if not in same town, who can give advice if she’s worried about anything or just wants to talk to someone.

TBH I’d also say he should explain to his work, he needs to be able to answer texts, take calls if needed as his DD is at home and she needs to be able to reach him. If there wasn’t an issue with this, I would not a problem at all - I’d be video calling over the course of the day and probably annoying the hell out of my DC anyway.

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 16:56

Kira4 · 30/05/2024 16:22

Is 12 hours a day not a long time for anyone to be on their own? Unless some of that time is while she’s asleep? I don’t think I’d like to be on my own for 12 hours a day multiple days a week. Try to arrange for at least someone to pop into her or a meet up with a friend at least once a week?

Really? I'm assuming you are an adult , why would being on your own 12 hours a day 4 days a week be an issue for you?

It's only in holidays and presumably he can take some A/L to break the summer up a bit

Single parents with no support have had the same issues throughout time once dc get to secondary school age and they've been fine

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 16:57

OverfilledBookcase · 30/05/2024 16:47

If the child is happy to stay on her own and not worried or frightened about it, it will be absolutely fine. DC these days are not like generations before who generally needed a lot of parental input to do stuff to prevent boredom. They have loads to do without having to leave home.

Not particularly healthy to be indoors all day but in some ways a safer option than making her attend activities which I assume she has to get to and from herself with no one at home to check she got back on time, went off with people she doesn’t know etc. Can he go for a walk with her after work?

Your DP needs to just ensure she has plenty of food she doesn’t need to cook to eat, reminded not to answer the door at all, and not really to be sleeping while alone in the house as I’d be uncomfortable in case of someone trying to get in if car is not there.

Can he get a video doorbell put up, so he and she see who’s there? Also a good deterrent. DH often answers the door while he’s at work if I’m on a work call or out! Also make sure back of house is secure.

She must have someone to call, if not police emergency, like a family member even if not in same town, who can give advice if she’s worried about anything or just wants to talk to someone.

TBH I’d also say he should explain to his work, he needs to be able to answer texts, take calls if needed as his DD is at home and she needs to be able to reach him. If there wasn’t an issue with this, I would not a problem at all - I’d be video calling over the course of the day and probably annoying the hell out of my DC anyway.

Edited

He could work in a prison or somewhere else you can't take your phone though

Phantasmagorically · 30/05/2024 17:01

why would being on your own 12 hours a day 4 days a week be an issue for you?

Because it would be stultifying. And I say that as someone who enjoys their own company.

A 12 year old is not being well served by a parent happy to leave them at home by themselves from 8am until 8pm four days a week, for weeks on end.

Kira4 · 30/05/2024 17:02

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 16:56

Really? I'm assuming you are an adult , why would being on your own 12 hours a day 4 days a week be an issue for you?

It's only in holidays and presumably he can take some A/L to break the summer up a bit

Single parents with no support have had the same issues throughout time once dc get to secondary school age and they've been fine

Show quote history

Because it’s a long time to be on your own and I think personally I’d feel pretty isolated and miserable. I know it’s probably some peoples idea of heaven but most kids need stimulation and company

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 17:13

Other than the 6 weeks holiday , which he could break up like I said by taking A/L it's not exactly being left alone for 12 hours regularly.

It's not like we are talking about every week and if it turns out she doesn't like it , he'll have to rethink it all

An adult should not feel isolated or miserable if they spend 4 12 hour days alone every couple of months

changeison · 30/05/2024 17:16

Ladyj84 · 30/05/2024 15:43

It's not illegal if the child is deemed capable they are allowed to be left, but personally for me I wouldn't even leave my 14 year old that long. An hour if I go to the shop thats about it

you wouldn't leave your 14 year old for more than an hour? Is this a 14 year old with special needs? If not, I'm staggered.

OverfilledBookcase · 30/05/2024 17:17

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 16:57

He could work in a prison or somewhere else you can't take your phone though

Show quote history

Agree that’s why he needs to ensure she has someone she feels comfortable contacting for non emergency situations if her parent is not available, even if it’s just not being able to get Netflix to work, hesring strange noises from pipes/boiler whatever. Or if she wants to nip to the shop to get more snacks so someone can text to make sure she got back OK.

Kira4 · 30/05/2024 17:22

TheFunHasGone · 30/05/2024 17:13

Other than the 6 weeks holiday , which he could break up like I said by taking A/L it's not exactly being left alone for 12 hours regularly.

It's not like we are talking about every week and if it turns out she doesn't like it , he'll have to rethink it all

An adult should not feel isolated or miserable if they spend 4 12 hour days alone every couple of months

It’s 12 hours a day, four days a week for 6 weeks. 12 hours a day is a long time and with respect there is no mandate on how many hours of solitude an adult should find tolerable. Some of us are more sociable than others. Like I said, it would be some peoples idea of bliss but for me it would be torture as I like to be around people. I’ve never met a healthy child who enjoyed being alone for days on end and don’t think you’d find any child health or psychology expert who’d say that would be healthy for them.

I’m not saying 12yo kids can’t be independent and need to be with their parents 24/7 but they need some form of social stimulation or company if not everyday then most days.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/05/2024 17:27

I started leaving mine during holidays at that age, 2 days a week, 9/10 hours in one go including commuting. He was sociable and would go out with friends but there's no 'childcare' for that age and if she doesn't want to do activities what are people worried will happen to her at home?

GerbilsForever24 · 30/05/2024 17:36

Ds would be fine with this. But, there area few things that would.make me.wary here.

She can only contact him in an emergency? He can't have his phone at all to send a quick message or call? I would be checking in with ds and/or he woukd be updating me through the day. Can she contact you?

Why doesn't she have any friends or things she wants to do? Ds would be meeting up with friends, heading to park or skating/basketball/football. He might go to the gym. He might land up at someone's house or they would come here.

It feels like.there might be bigger issues here with her socialisation.

Original poster
Ohwhoknows · 30/05/2024 17:39

I don’t think something will happen to her at home. It just sounds to me utterly miserable and not healthy for a child to be on their own indoors for that long every week.

thank you all for the input. It’s been really useful

OP posts:
rainbowunicorn · 30/05/2024 17:41

Cicciabella · 29/05/2024 22:28

That is deeply neglectful. Also illegal.

It's not illegal

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/05/2024 17:41

It will be boring for sure. Maybe after a day or two of being bored she'll agree to do something!
Did you already get asked this - could he arrange for her to go to a friend's house for the day/dinner and reciprocate when he's off work?

Original poster
Ohwhoknows · 30/05/2024 17:42

GerbilsForever24 · 30/05/2024 17:36

Ds would be fine with this. But, there area few things that would.make me.wary here.

She can only contact him in an emergency? He can't have his phone at all to send a quick message or call? I would be checking in with ds and/or he woukd be updating me through the day. Can she contact you?

Why doesn't she have any friends or things she wants to do? Ds would be meeting up with friends, heading to park or skating/basketball/football. He might go to the gym. He might land up at someone's house or they would come here.

It feels like.there might be bigger issues here with her socialisation.

I do agree with that @GerbilsForever24 . But it’s tricky when not my child!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohwhoknows · 30/05/2024 17:42

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 30/05/2024 17:41

It will be boring for sure. Maybe after a day or two of being bored she'll agree to do something!
Did you already get asked this - could he arrange for her to go to a friend's house for the day/dinner and reciprocate when he's off work?

She just doesn’t have friends like this

OP posts:
Curlewwoohoo · 30/05/2024 17:45

The only kids holiday clubs where I live are for primary kids only... So this must be fairly common I would expect.

Original poster
Ohwhoknows · 30/05/2024 17:58

It’s not so much holiday clubs I’m thinking, but holiday activities which are readily available there. Not baby stuff. I’m sure it is common, but a lot of people have friends/family etc and are not out for such long periods. I juggled with some activities and wasn’t out so long.

OP posts:
rwalker · 30/05/2024 18:04

Oldest I would of been wary
youngest wouldn’t of been a problem

a lot depends on the child

Phineyj · 30/05/2024 18:07

So like a couple of hours of sport or arts and crafts - that kind of thing? Round here one of the tennis clubs does that for age 4 to 15.

toothhurty22 · 30/05/2024 18:09

A few hours here and there is fine at that age. Such a long period of time, definitely not. It will be boring and unsettling. 12 is a funny age, some kids of that age are quite mature but many are still childlike.
It wouldn't sit well with me at all.

Phineyj · 30/05/2024 18:11

I think it has become much more common for at least one parent to WFH some of the time.

Could DP not offer to have a child round on the weekday he doesn't work as a swap? Bit concerning if the DD doesn't have a single friend or acquaintance for such a swap. He needs to find parent WhatsApp groups! We have a couple of those going with neighbours with similar aged DC.

Maybe DP could even engineer a bit of a friendship that way.

Phineyj · 30/05/2024 18:14

If he thinks she'll be perfectly safe but bored, possibly an online class might work? Especially if she isn't sociable but enjoys coding or drawing or something?

outschool.com/online-classes/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=ad&utm_campaign=INT_WW_LS_Tier_2&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwx-CyBhAqEiwAeOcTdf1rF8VXv0Q-lmfvgVs4vSzyVxkMmyhQalQ_cRcaeTclOYDN48jy3RoCO0gQAvD_BwE

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/05/2024 18:15

I used to be left all day, five days a week at that age. This was in 2001.

It was absolutely fine and far more enjoyable than going to activity clubs or camps everyday. I loved it and I think it made me really self-sufficient.

I'd also say there's a big difference between 12 hours awake, and 12 hours in the house alone but spending a decent portion of that time sleeping etc.