12 year old home alone

[Ohwhoknows]

My DP, with whom I do not live, is planning to leave his 12 year old home alone for twelve hours four days a well as those are his shifts/travelling and she won’t agree to go to summer activities. I think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t. What do you think? AIBU?

Maybe he's thinking by spelling it out to her like that, it will make her change her mind and she'll agree to doing some activities?

No, just some things to break it up

I would have never left my 12 year old alone for that long. An hour or so maybe.
My 13 year old grandson, i left for 30 mins other day, to break him in to be responsible..but straight out bang into 12 hrs? No chance .id be sick with worry. Crikey

Mine had to be left on occasion for a couple of hours so I could work. I wouldn’t do this.

it’s so hard when it’s someone else’s child! I won’t interfere if Im wrong

I was totally capable of my own activities at that age.
I used to spend my summers at my Grandparents and in fact, I felt like I had to give activities to them - a conversation or a card game to break up the monotony of their retirement 😁

Yes it's far too long for several days however there isn't an easy solution..how would she get to activities if there is no one to take her ? She would have to be responsible for keys and locking up and getting there and back which is a lot for a 12 year old. She's too old for formal childcare so I'm not sure what he should do ? How does she feel about it?

She says she can stay home. She has no hobbies or things to do there. No real friends

It’s not easy at all. But there are lots of things she could go to nearby

An hour when they’re at high school ????

Yep. An hour. She has grown up a responsible adult with 2 children and was glad she wasnt a latchkey kid, told me that herself when some of her friends parents were always working and friends had to be on their own. I worked, but she went to grandparents. That was and is my view

I think it’s easy to judge if you have family / friends that can help out . If he has no one then is he supposed to give up his job ? Take unpaid leave - maybe can’t afford this ?
sometimes the only option isn’t ideal but tbh at 12 she should be capable of looking after herself .

Around 13 my DD told me that I was making her miserable by trying to get her to do activities. She wanted to game etc at home. She's 27 this year and is a well rounded person. My girls would be fine to make their own choice at this age. She isn't you, she isn't your kids.

If she has no hobbies or friends and there is no one locally she might be seeing etc I would say she is the very last type of child who should be left like this.

One of my children is 12 and uber social and if I did this would fill his day with stuff.. but I would never leave him for 4 days in a row. Possibly half days if I had to and I knew he would have plans.

She needs to be looked after and to hsve clear plans...or it will be several hours of ipad or gaming won't it ?

He could organise things, but doesn’t want to pay for them. And she says no. I know it’s not easy. And I’m also aware that people parent differently. But it worries me.

the different perspectives are helpful, thank you

I think this is it. I just feel it’s too long too often for her

Jeez, the helicopter parenting truly is a real thing!
From 10 years onwards, I LOVED to hear the front door click shut behind adults leaving. I could read and eat all day, write something in secret diaries, make a face mask from grated carrots and egg whites, try on make-up, go to the corner shop to get some ice-cream, glue Britney posters all over the room, beat the shit out of my twin brother... And all of that without being bothered by noisey adults.

Maybe just me then...And the 12 year old in the OP. Oh, and my own son too. All of us happy to be left to it.

I think it's too long too. I have a 12yo and she is at home for a couple of hours alone. She has ASD and isn't v mature but she would be delighted if I left her all day! She would also just sit on her bed hunched over her ipad for hours, which I don't allow when I'm home!

I would come to a compromise - she needs to have some plans over the time, not necessarily loads. It does depend if she is pretty trustworthy and if she'll be glued to a screen - and if the parent minds that.

That's a very long time for a child of 12 to be left.. Is she going to be able to prepare lunch for herself? Left a packed lunch each day? What happens is someone knocks on the door? Or the neighbour gets wind of her being left for hours on end.. and call out social services 🤷🏼‍♀️ my teen 13 I'll leave for an hour or two - much to his delight! 12 hours - absolutely not. I'd not let her go if I was you, I get she doesn't want to do holiday clubs at that age but interacting with others is important even if it's sitting on the sofa having a chat. I find it very sad she'd be left alone for so long 😞

The law is pretty grey. My understanding is that a child is considered a child until 18. Clearly children come of an age when they can be left alone. However my understanding is that, should anything untoward happen, such as a fire, the parents are responsible. So basically if nothing happens it's all OK, if there is an incident it's not.
My GS would also refuse to go to any organised activities and will not be responsible enough at age 12 to be left alone for longer than a few minutes ( ND) My own children were left alone younger than 12 for a few hours (NT) from coming home from school until I arrived from work.
It is the parents choice and risk, however 12 hours is an awfully long time for such a young child to be alone, I personally wouldnt do it

Me too.

OP what does the DD want?

When you say 12 hours, is that 6 am to 6 pm, if so, I know my DC at that age on holiday wouldn’t be up till mid day, so that’s half the day gone already. Although not ideal, if she’s a sensible 12 year old and able to put a pizza in oven or cook something easy, then it would be ok. When I worked, I used to ring my DS after 2 pm, then I would know he was up and had eaten. Both my sons weren’t keen on holiday clubs, but I did have my in laws who would come around sometimes in the afternoon. We have neighbours, who are in and out throughout the day, they were happy for my DS to contact them, if they had a problem, but never did.

I left my 12 year old at home yesterday whilst I went to work as DP had to go to the office for two days, and I couldn't wfh as I normally would. She could have gone to her dad's but didn't want to.

When I got home she'd cleaned the hob, cleaned one of the cupboards, and tidied another. She'd also done her chores. I'm sure she spent a chunk of the day on screens too, and it looked like some crafting went on.

I'm leaving her again today - I have a meeting I can't move. She already has plans for what she wants to do whilst I'm gone. Friday DP will be here so she's made plans to go meet up with friends.

She likes the chance to be alone in the house, and she's capable of entertaining herself (apparently by doing random housework?!) I think many 12 year olds are the same.

That said, it's a different situation to yours because my office is a 5 minute drive away so I can get home if she needs me. My job does have travel but I don't travel unless she's with her dad or DP. DD also isn't allowed to leave the house/garden whilst home alone, so I always know where she is.

My issue wouldn't be with a child being home alone at 12 (obviously, I do it) if they're comfortable with it, and you trust them to follow rules etc. My issue would be with the length of time, the amount of days, and the fact that the dad isn't close by. If my office was further away I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving dd. That said I also wouldn't want dd taking herself to activities.

I suppose my opinion is - it's ok to leave a 12 year old if you're confident they are mature enough, and are happy to be home, but not for more than 8 hours, and only if you're local. Four days a week also feels far too much.

A 12 year old can’t make themselves a sandwich ????

I couldn't do it, but it's not illegal! Do people talk out of their bums on here? Provided they are sensible and capable the recommended age is 12 It's not against any law.

My 13 year old didn't want to come to Brighton with us yesterday. We left him for about ten hours... My parents do live five minutes away so he had someone he could go to if he needed. He actually met up with a friend and they took themselves off on a little train trip (they both love trains) and then round to the friend's house. We kept in frequent touch and I think it's good for children to learn independence at this sort of age.

So... Will her parent be contactable at work? Has she got anyone else she can call on in an emergency?