12 year old home alone

[Ohwhoknows]

My DP, with whom I do not live, is planning to leave his 12 year old home alone for twelve hours four days a well as those are his shifts/travelling and she won’t agree to go to summer activities. I think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t. What do you think? AIBU?

The law doesn't say that. It sounds a lot like the NSPCC guidelines but there's nothing to be gained from creating a confusion by pretending they are law.

In the UK there is no law on what age children can be left alone. It would have to be a very long detailed law because children are different, and leaving a child for 15 minutes is different from leaving one for 12 hours. However if you make a egregious wrong call then you could face neglect charges. That wouldn't mean there is a law about how long you can leave a child alone for.
There is no law.

Is her mother working? Does she know the plan?

I don’t think this is completely unreasonable. I definitely didn’t want to go to camps or activities when I was 12. I wanted to belt out my favourite songs in peace and watch my favourite channels.

Surely she’ll have a lie in in the morning, lazy breakfast in front of TV and then get shower/ready. Couldn’t her and dad agree on a couple of chores she has to get through throughout the day or week? Maybe she could spend a few hrs a day doing a clear out of her wardrobe for the charity shop, or sort through kitchen drawers or hot press/airing cupboard? Clean the bathroom one day, hoover the house…

Then stick a pizza in the oven and switch on TV for an hour or two until dad gets in. Yeah it’s not the most active summer but there’s nothing worse than being 12 and forced into stupid summer camps where they paint faces.

You'd think so but there is surprisingly an awful lot of guidance and advice on gov.uk in many areas that isn't actually law!

Would the daughter agree to a local (female?) older teenager hanging out in the house at the same time but be left to get on with her own activities. We often have those kind of requests/offers on the local mums/parents FB.

Daughter gets to stay home and do whatever it is she thinks she can do 12 hours a day four days week, but there is an older presence there in case of accidents/weirdos at door/on phone (which happened occasionally to me as a kid left home alone a lot). Someone to nip out of the house with in case fresh air/exercise/shopping is required.

Lower cost than summer camps.

Not all summer camps are the same. Maybe just a day a week for a change? There are science, coding, art, cooking, crafts, woodcraft, sports-general, sports-specific ones. Plus local groups like athletics/sports clubs run odd days of events. Ask on local mums/parents FB page for ones you may never heard of.

No that is not what it says on gov.uk. It says there is no age requirement

I think it's perfectly possible that for some 12 year olds this would be fine.

Just for clarity, it’s not illegal, and I am absolutely not saying 12 year olds shouldn’t be home alone, I left my own for a good few hours when they were younger.

I asked, as I think it’s too long too often, but it’s interesting to see views. I might well be wrong!

There are no other friends or family, and she can’t ring her DF at work. He’s stressed to the nines about all this, understandably. It’s difficult age.

no one is suggesting face painting holiday clubs for little ones, just a few good activities for teenagers to break it up, there are lots around.

She also does not have a packed schedule in term time: one activity once a week, so it’s not a pushy parent/exhausted child scenario!

The fact she can’t ring him and doesn’t have anyone close by is more concerning than the being home alone. That does change things quite a bit for me but not sure what the answer is. Sometimes being a clubs can actually open more risks, they would have to travel there and back alone, could have an accident whilst there (assuming sports mainly) etc.

@Ohwhoknows what are the teenager activities, just purely out of interest? It’s definitely a fine balance and so dependant on each child. I just know myself I always much preferred to be on my own and chill out after being in school all year, but I fully respect that some kids probably need a bit more structure and some socialisation.

I think if she’s just genuinely not interested in the activities there’s no need to push her. If she ends up hating the alone time at home or if her dad notices a change in her then the plan can be changed down the line surely.

I actually agree with this. If dad can’t be available on the phone for 12hrs something needs to be in place so the child has a nearby adult to contact? I’d expect that to be the case for any child up to the age of 17.

@FawnFrenchieMum ah, he could be contacted at work if there were a real emergency, but not for chats/reassurance

Oh in that case I go back to my original post. I think it’s probably fine then.

It's not the law. It's guidance. No parent is obliged to stick to it.

Her Dads working 12 hour shifts, she’s refusing to go to any activities and doesn't know anyone nearby then surely she would be better off and happier staying at home where her friends and presumably rest of family are?

I'd say the 12 year old shouldn't be given the choice about activities, and should be sent to them at least two out of four days.

I think it totally depends on the child and the context - as in how sensible they are and if the home environment/community is generally safe.

Fwiw, when I was 12, I was home every single day of the holidays by myself, I assume those would have been 12+ hour days. My mum had a 1.5 hour commute, so I'm guessing she would have left at 6/7am and been home 6/7pm every day. It was the 90s, so no working remotely and no mobile phones. We had no family who could have helped and while there were activities for a 12 year old, they were properly expensive ones (not like holiday club for a 5 year old), like pony club camp for a week and none that would have had me from so early to so late. So staying home was the only option.

It was absolutely fine! I watched tv, went for walks/bike rides, played with the dog, read books, etc. There was no internet back then and I didn't really have friends within walking distance, though I did sometimes walk (say, 30-60 minutes) to go visit friends. Around that time, I was doing overnights as well, 3-4 nights at a time, I'd take myself to school and home, look after the dog, cook my meals, do my washing. It was great for independence, but looking back now, seems terrifying that it was the pre-mobile phone era. I leave my 11 year old home alone for an hour or so here and there, but it would feel very different if I had no way of contacting her.

I think sending the 12 year old to watch a toddler for the morning is genius! Maybe not for this particular child, but I reckon mine would love it and be good at it. Thanks for the idea @lanthanum

I would have been ok with this at age 12 (I'd have read a book all day or maybe gone out to see a friend on my bike) but a) it was a different time - fewer cars & less expectation that parents had eyes on; b) my younger sister would not have been ok with it at all even at older than that age. And I won't be letting DD do it for such long periods because she'd just be on screens the entire time.

It does depend so much on the child and the OP knows this one, so if she (and it sounds like, the dad) have got misgivings, that's for a reason. Someone's going to have to be paid a bit to drop in on some grounds or other. Sounds like it might benefit her social skills tbh.

I’d be deeply uncomfortable about this. Is there anyone who can even pop in and check on her? Even if she was a very capable 12 year old she’d surely get lonely but god forbid anything happened.

What summer activities has she dismissed? There must be something she’d enjoy doing that would get her out of the house.

I was left alone during summer holidays. My mum worked Mon-Fri 7am until 3.30 so was home by 4pm. She left while I was asleep, leaving a list of chores for me to do.

Im going to have to do similar for DD when she is older. I wfh 3 days a week and can do shorter days the remaining two days but essentially she will be on her own unless she meets up with friends in the village.

She'll be fine. FWIW at least once a week my chore would be to bake a cake, started off using cake mixes and then full recipes. Also did gardening and making dinner etc. so chores were essentially me learning life skills.

It's not illegal if the child is deemed capable they are allowed to be left, but personally for me I wouldn't even leave my 14 year old that long. An hour if I go to the shop thats about it

It’s a really tricky age group. Aged out of lots of holiday clubs.
What is available may be really sporty or issue of I’m not going as I know no one.
I paid for DD’s friend on one occasion to get her to go. Then her mum reciprocated by taking my dd away with them so that was 2 weeks covered.

I honestly don't see a problem with this.

Make sure she has contact numbers and no using the cooker.

Plenty of food.

Is 12 hours a day not a long time for anyone to be on their own? Unless some of that time is while she’s asleep? I don’t think I’d like to be on my own for 12 hours a day multiple days a week. Try to arrange for at least someone to pop into her or a meet up with a friend at least once a week?