12 year old home alone

[Ohwhoknows]

My DP, with whom I do not live, is planning to leave his 12 year old home alone for twelve hours four days a well as those are his shifts/travelling and she won’t agree to go to summer activities. I think this is unreasonable. He doesn’t. What do you think? AIBU?

I think it's worth exploring options because this will come up again every school holiday and he needs a plan, definitely to cover the situation that she does need him or becomes not happy to be left, if he works a distance away.

It's easy for me because as I'm a teacher I'm normally off when my similar-age DD is off. But I have a few days in July to cover so I'm paying a teenage niece to be there those days.

I'd be wanting in his situation to have someone on a small retainer/wine/pay back in kind (friend's mum, neighbour, teenager, relative, cleaner/housekeeper) so there is someone about for some of the 12 hours if necessary. I'd also, frankly, be looking for a job change to something that allowed some WFH. I cannot imagine a mum doing this (short of emergency) and my goodness she'd get some shrift if she did.

If he can't afford to pay anyone anything...what did he do when she was younger?

However, I don't think it's reasonable to expect a 12 year old to take herself to "activities" she's not fussed about. That is unreasonable - why would she?! Besides that raises the issue of her not being at home but no-one actually knowing where she is, house not properly locked, etc.

Why doesn't she have any friends?

Is there any family who can check in on her and maybe break up the day with a stroll round the park?

It's a really tough age. When my child was 12 they wouldn't want to be going to holiday club. My younger son occasionally goes to one in the holidays to break up the day and you don't see many 12 year olds at them (a couple of ND kids)

I'm in a different situation as I can wfm during the holidays and for my eldest generally just have to be on hand for lifts but they would have preferred to be left at home than at a holiday club.

It's not ideal but I'm not sure forcing them to do activities they don't want to do is really the answer.

If DD doesn't want to go and your DP has to work then what else is he supposed to do? Can the mum look after her for parts of the day?

And doesn't want to pay (rather than can't), pah! What price peace of mind, eh?

I am really not a over worrier (some kids are v sensible) but I just wouldn't feel OK about this from a safeguarding point of view. It's too long, too often, no back up plan.

Of course a day of solo ipad and haribo sandwiches won't kill anyone. But 20 days or more? Not great. And September will be painful!

12 hours is way too long to leave a child of that age.

I honestly think this is fine at 12 years old, and I'm normally very cautious.

I suspect that after a few weeks, she may feel differently about finding some activities, but possibly not.

She may find that she enjoys reading, or drawing or knitting or gardening etc
As long as she has a key, a phone and knows how to lock the house up if she wants to pop out, or meet with friends, I don't see an issue.
She is too old for general holiday camps, and even those wouldn't cover 12 hours. If Dad thinks she could go to shorter, special interest ones, he is obviously OK with her coming and going by herself during the day. I don't see much difference.

My just turned 13 year old would refuse to go to activities as well, he'll occasionally go to gps for a day in the holidays and luckily I only have 1 office day a week and I don't have to be there all day. Not sure what I'd do with him if I didn't wfh so much though. I do know he'd be perfectly fine on his own though and wouldn't be up until lunch time anyway

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all, unless she has some sort of additional needs. Presumably she is used to being on her own at home for some period of time already, as he is out of the house 12 hours a day with work and she is probably only out of the house around 8 hours a day with school. Most 12 yo would hate to go to childcare and I don’t blame them, and it’s a rare 12 yo who can’t entertain themselves in their own home. So long as she has emergency contact info, enough food, knows how everything works and can lock the door properly etc (which she presumably already can).
It’s not a choice between her dad being at home and being alone, it’s a choice between childcare (which she doesn’t want) and being alone. Being alone is a reasonable choice in those circumstances and she’s old enough to make it.

I have a 12 (nearly 13) yr old and they would laugh if I suggested a kids club. I am lucky I wfh but they are used to being home alone if we are out shopping/gym etc. 12 hours seems a long time but mine would be fine if they were able to be in regular contact with me and I left them food/supplies. They should be quite self sufficient at that age. You don't suddenly turn 18 with the ability to be an adult without the preparation in the years leading up to that point. Kids these days have phones, their own house keys etc. Can they meet up with a mate at least to break the day up?

I leave my 11 year old alone for up to 10 hours a day sometimes in the holidays. He doesn't enjoy holiday clubs (and there are very limited options at that age) and as a lone parent I have to work.

Most secondary children get themselves to and from school.
Most NT 12 year olds are capable of grabbing some cereal and making a sandwich.
By the time they wake up in the hols they will be awake for 6 hours alone when the parent gets in.
Childcare doesn't exist for that age group and some families don't have local support.
Also not all jobs are doable as wfh.

I'll answer this from my perspective leaving my 11 year old. I leave food for him, and he is perfectly capable of making a sandwich, or toast for himself. If there is a knock at the door he knows that he is not allowed to open it. And my neighbours are aware that I am at work and at least one of them would be around in an emergency. My next door neighbour is actually a police women!

Round here the holiday camp providers such as Supercamps do go up to 12, presumably because parents may feel year 7s (which I'm assuming this is) aren't quite mature enough for long days alone.

OP, you haven't said but I assume you checking on her daily isn't an option? You shouldn't have to but you do appear to be the one worrying!

You are doing your 13yo no favours!
At that age they should be able to prepare lunches and basic meals. They should be able to be left for more than a couple of hours during the day unless there are special needs.
These days, teens are perfectly capable of social interaction without leaving the house, but at 13 they should be used to locking/unlocking the house and popping round to friends etc.
As long as they have a phone and know what to do in an emergency, they should be fine.

from age 11, i was home alone during the days of the school holidays from 8-6pm. I'm not sure what the issue was? I had a single parent who had to work?

Obviously, set ground rules for safety but most 12 year olds would be absolutely fine by themselves during the day. I used to go and meet local friends and go back home and have lunch?

i'm not sure where the outrage is coming from here. what age do people think is acceptable for this?

It's not ideal and I wouldn't do it....but I reckon an awful lot of families do this. Also are there even any activities or clubs that operate for 12 hours a day? I doubt it which means the child would have to get themselves there and back....which is also less than ideal.

I don't think it's deeply neglectful as a pp said....it's on the cusp of being acceptable.

Depending where you live It is not illegal or neglectful, it is certainly not illegal in the UK. it is a fact for many young people. 12 hours is a long time through the day or a neighbour they can call on if need be would be beneficial and discussions on what to do in any emergency is common sense.

It isn't; on both counts. If they're responsible they're fine to be left alone.

Not illegal and whether it's the better option for her depends upon on her to be honest. Most summer activities finish by age 12, and even those who will take them aren't really appropriate for 12 year olds in my experience (yes there's sports but not all youngsters like sport) m. My dc were home from younger than 12 though I work pt and their dad would go in later too. Sometimes situations aren't ideal but families make do

Is there a neighbour who regularly checks in on her?
My 12 year old is left alone between 1-2 hrs and knows what to do in emergency, but I still worry sick with my over active imagination, every time the school rings I'm in panic mode lol!

@Alwaystired94

I can't see the issue either, people have to work. It's an odd one because I guarantee that the "I don't leave my 3 year old more than 30 minutes" brigade have well paid wfh jobs and live in cities with lots of activities for teens. Where I live the teenagers spend their summers on the beach, in caves and in the woods running feral, it's lovely! There is no childcare for secondary school aged children

The law on this is very grey.

My friend left her son at home because he refused to go to school. She had to work (6 hour day). One of the siblings told school that he wasn’t in and was home alone and school called the police! She was arrested from her work place, taken to court for child endangerment/neglect and was fined and ordered to do a parenting course!

He needs to be more forceful and tell her she can’t stay home alone!

Too long for me but not illegal.

Have you suggested helping your DP for a couple hours a day?

Why won’t he book some annual leave?

Because most people's jobs don't allow them 13 weeks of annual leave to cover school holidays. If he's working 4 days a week that means he has the other 3 days of the week to spend with her.

I'm putting my DD into summer camps 5 days a week. Not because I don't want to spend time with her but because I simply can't get 7 weeks off from work. We're going abroad for 10 days at the start of the holidays and we have time off work at the end to spend some time with her. We'll also have the weekends. But the majority of the weekdays she'll be in camps. She's 6 and loves these camps but I reckon by the age of 12 she may have outgrown them. I assume OPs friend has considered camps but his DD doesn't want to go.