for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

What is it that you're so desperate to do in retirement that you can't do now? You can still go on the nice holidays, for example. Probably much nicer ones than if you'd stopped working and had no income.

Remember, retirement is an everyday thing, not a now and then thing. Once you're out of the workforce, at your age it would be very difficult to get back in if you got bored and changed your mind.

Work keeps you busy, gives you a reason to get up and showered in the morning, gives you opportunities to talk to other people, to keep your brain active and to feel like a useful and functional member of society. Once retired, one sort of diminishes in those respects. So, think carefully before giving all that up too soon.

Having said all that, if you do have some definite plans for what you want to spend your time doing day to day and you won't just be drifting, then go for it.

My dh is almost 70 and semi retired. I'm mid 50s and pt. Even if he was fully retired he wouldn't want to go on jollys with friends. He does most of our cooking, lots of housework etc.

Does your dh pull his weight around the home?

It doesn't sound very balanced to me.

Why is MN so against jollies with friends?😂

oh this for sure! I mean hindsight is a marvellous thing. I am saying this not for the OP but for anyone else who reads this who needs to hear it. TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE AND AGREE PLANS. If you can't agree plans then should you be together? I don't understand why "his" pension feels more like his than "his" salary? Or have you never shared? I really don't think that the "tighten our belts so I can retire early" sounds fair either. Not sure about the "can't do this" I mean if you were single or partnered with a younger man, you'd have had to!...but yes there are things you can do and they start with shock horror calm discussion. Did you both work full time before he retired? How was the housework shared? does he ever want to do stuff with you? I mean I am assuming you don't work 24/7? How long has he been retired for? Its pretty common to kick over the traces for the first few weeks/months after retiring. But for goodness sake talk and talk calmly.

oh its ok if you are female.....

well it doesn't sound like you are......

A lot of people on here don't seem to like their friends much tbh. Perhaps that's why 😅

@MrsPuddle I know you have dismissed a poster for saying similar to what I am going to say but bear with me.

My first response is fuck that, either we are a couple or not. Make it crystal clear he will be paying for carers if he needs them as you will be enjoying your retirement.

I’m going to be practical and give the advice I always give on these threads.

• State Pension - check your entitlement https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension. You can always pay c£900 a year for any years you are short, but make sure you will get a full state pension.
• works and private pensions - get up to date statements, you should have annual statements. Make sure you understand your entitlement at age 60 and if you go early. Do projections to age 80 as this often shows taking a lower pension (actuarily reduced) for more years = the same as a higher pension for less years.
• work out your current joint expenditure now and when you retire. Include Christmas presents, annual insurance etc. but adjust for changes e.g. commuting costs reduce but petrol increases. This helps you work out what you can jointly afford. In your shoes I would also cost out what my retirement costs would be if I lived alone.
• Use a gross to net calculator https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/tax-calculator/ to work out your net pay a) going part time b) pension. Remember you don’t pay NI or pension contributions out of pension income. Also remember when you go part time you lose the income that has the most deductions.
• Phase your retirement by going part time e.g. stop working Wednesdays. This is a day for you to do what you want to do e.g. go to a class, day trips, cinema etc. Do not let your husband suggest you do the cleaning or chores or something together be clear this is your day,
• Once you have the finances all sorted go to 3 days, I did Mon, Thur, Fri. This phasing in means you gradually start your retired life so the change is not so great.
• Have a deadline when to fully retire and book a holiday in advance so you have a clear timeline.

I switched to a job that was more child friendly, therefore on much less pay and pension. I dont regret it, but it has consequences now, so I realise!

Do you like your job? If you do, I don't see any problem. Your husband can do some jobs around the house, shopping and the like, on some days now he is retired.

It sounds OK to me.

Very odd you are so resentful when he has done his time, nevertheless you do need to talk about your retirement and what shared goals you have and how it will be funded. The average life expectancy in UK is 80. By 70 the majority of people are living with a significant health problem - so 60-70 is prime time ! If you are planning on going exploring maybe leaving it till your 60 is too late, for him anyway.

The point about pensions is so under-discussed. Especially at the divorce stage.

The way to counteract your situation OP, is for your DH to pay into your pension as well as his own. I would hazard a guess that some women think this is unreasonable but it's the only way to have real equity at this stage in life if you've sacrificed earlier on for childcare.

Sorry, to be clear, I meant for him to have paid earlier on while he was still working. Although he could pay top-ups in now as well!

She didn’t assume anything, she said “may not”. And she’s right, it’s possible.

I’m surprised how many posters are shocked or horrified that op might want to retire at 55. All the teachers I know are retired between 55-58 at the latest. In fact in my county it’s hard to hold on to your job when you reach 50. In the last reorganisation everybody over 50 was first out.

Isn't your husband bored? I can see how life would be difficult and how quickly you might start to resent his freedom when you're both based in the house seven days a week, even if he does take himself out and about. Wouldn't you prefer to work outside of the home again, is that a possibility? Be nice to come home to a cooked meal and a tidy house - please don't tell me you're doing all the chores too!

Someone else mentioned police retiring at 50. What about doctors/nurses/NHs workers?

Have you pointed that out to him? Why should you be the only one to sacrifice for the joint choice to have children?

Personally I hate working from home being sedentary and alone - would rather be out and about, I think thats part of the reason I am a bit envious of DH getting out socialising. But I am not resentful, I do love my husband!

Sounds like the best answer from posters is to find a part time job. thank you.

Three years ago my DH and I retired at 52 and 55, we always planned it so we’d both have this time together. I don’t think retirement for one of us would work as we like to travel and I think the other one would feel resentment.
I don’t think the OP’s feelings are that difficult to understand even though they aren’t logical as her DH has worked longer as older than her.

I'm in a very similar situation, My husband is retired due to ill health and I have at least another 10 years left to work. Unfortunately he doesn't have a private pension and does not receive any benefits as I earn too much and he is not yet old enough for the state pension. I am really beginning to resent him as, TBH, I am knackered; I work a minimum 55 hours per week. I'm in my fifties and it is taking it's toll. I refuse to do anything around the house and leave all domestic admin/duties to him.

Mr Monkey is 9 years older than me and I have no intention of retiring when he does.

We have plenty of time together for holidays and days out now while we both work TBH and spending all day every day together would send me a bit mad.

As people have said age gap relationships often have front loaded benefits for the younger partner - he had a mortgage free London flat at 36 when I met him and the sale of that enabled us to put down a big deposit on a place together and be mortgage free now.

As for health issues - well the man is still running sub 3.15 marathons at 54 so I think we'll be ok for a bit 😄

I think one of the issues is you don't have a social life of your own and envy DH his. You can still have one if you work.

Wow, so you took a family friendly job, with less pay and a pension hit for the family, whilst your husband accumulated his fat pension?
You bet I would be pissed that it was fine for YOU to take a hit, but not for him to share and this point.
What a selfish position for him to take.
It most certainly would be a problem for me. Seems like all the scarifice is your side. Have a long hard think about it, because like hell would I be caring for a man and making ANY further sacrifice down the road.
Stop doing ANYTHING in the house and focus on a getting a job that will give you social contact and pleasure.
After a long marriage perhaps divorcing him would even things out.
He certainly hasn't got your back, off on his jollies whilst you play catch up for your earlier sacrifice.

There is 9 years between DP and me.

I never planned to work past age 50 anyway, in fact I went on to 52 whilst DP retired at 65 although he originally planned to go at 62.

I knew I didn't want to work whilst he was retired so we planned accordingly.