for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

55 and even 60 is so young to retire. You are both hugely lucky to have this options that many now and only the wealthiest will ever have in future. Rather than be resentful be grateful! Those saying about health obviously anything is around the corner but even 65 is young when OP would retire at 60 so likely you’d still have a number of years good health to enjoy together.
Honestly this is a bit of a diamond shoes too tight issue. I can’t see anyone under 40 retiring until 70 by the time it comes around.

While I agree the probability of this happening is higher in an age gap relationship, it is still possible one party ends up being a carer if both parties are the same age and retire after 68.

Sure chances are higher but being of the same age doesn't rule out this possibility from happening.

OP have you actually done the sums to see when you can afford to retire, maybe you could afford it now or in a couple of years? Do you have the option to buy extra annual leave or go part time? Also make sure your DH is doing the bulk of the household chores.

do you realise the majority of men have bigger pensions than their wives, because they havent had to compromise their careers due to childcare?

don’t forget the unfair disparities between men and women’s salaries.

If your working all day and he’s retired I’d be expecting him to take over the household chores and making sure you have a nice meal when you get home.

I think you need to talk to him, fine he worked till 60 but when you’re 60 he will be 70 and may not be a physically well as he is. Is he excepting you to care for him when you retire or will you be able to go off on jollies with your friends while he pays for a career for himself.

this is bonkers. Why would you assume he needs a carer at 70 and she will be in fine health with no issues.

irs like another planet on here sometimes, where people don’t get sick and they hit seventy and they need carers. Utterly ridiculous.

I know I'm missing the point here, but I can't believe people are retiring at 55/60! I will be in employment until at least the age of 68 and possibly longer.

And more helpful: if you are unhappy in your current role, and can't imagine doing it for another five years, consider finding something else. There will be little money left for holidays if you stop working now and will have to live off less money in retirement.

I'll be working till I drop.

I would be thinking about this too. Op’s partner may be fine at 70, but I had a friend die at 60 (cancer); another friend develop a neurological disorder at 55, another have a stroke at 59.

Of course he is retiring before you, he started working before you. He’s not expecting you to retire at 67, but 60 - same as him. If you want to retire earlier then it is a question of if you can afford this. I do however understand a bit about wanting to do stuff together although 70 really isn’t that old. Might going part time be a compromise option? I have an age gap relationship and frankly I’m not the fittest one! Ridiculous assumptions on here that you’ll be a carer at 60 etc etc.

I'm 47 and my DH is 63. He took semi retirement a few years ago and works part time (management consultant) whilst I'm still full time. He does the majority of the housework, cooking, laundry, school drop off and pick up (although our youngest is in year 6 so won't have to do that come September).

I have just started a new job that pays very well so I'm planning to reduce my hours to 4 days a week next year so that we can start to have at least a day a week together and then long weekends away once the DC are old enough to leave on their own.

I knew that there would be this age gap when I met him but tbh I loved him and still do and I don't begrudge him his retirement. He in turn is happy to keep working part time for now, otherwise he'd be bored. He also goes off hiking and sits on various committees/school trustee etc which keeps him occupied.

I hope you can find a compromise OP that doesn't lead to more resentment on either side.

Well my DF died at 67 two years after retiring. Was fit and healthy do a physical job. My mother’s 2 brothers died at 55 in the last 3 years. Two of my dad’s brothers also died at 55, another at 29, another uncle, my DFs brother recently passed away at 74. My grandads 59 & 71.

so I don’t think I live on another planet thank you.

Presumably at 55 he was at work though. And presumably at 65 you won't be.

Is he doing all the housework and shopping and cooking and so on? Maybe it's time for you to do things for yourself so that you can go out with your friends, go to the gym, book weekends away…

Is his pension income the same as your wages or more?

Why can't you 'do this' for another five years? Plenty of us are older than you and still working. And it seems you have a sedentary job working at home, rather than going down the sewers or walking 15km a day in an Amazon warehouse.

Could you live off what would be the budget if you retired now for the next 2yrs and save your salary allowing you to retire at 57?

That is very rare and uncommon and not the norm. Even among Indian family with low life expectancies it’s highly unusual to see so many people in one family die before 70.

I hope you can find a compromise OP that doesn't lead to more resentment on either side.

I think this is key. On paper, neither position is inherently wrong. OP wants to retire now to benefit from time together with her DH before any health issues set in.

Her DH would prefer for them to both retire at the same age so they've put the same years in the pot, at 60 which is still very early if OP admits her pension isn't great!

This definitely should have been a conversation and a plan years ago but you are going to need to find a compromise that is reached by both of you as a team rather than feeling resentful of one another.

My dad is 15 years older than my mum and he retired at 60. It would have been ridiculous for her to retire at the same time when she was only 45. She went part time in her 50s so they both could enjoy holidays and more time together. That was their compromise and then mum fully retired at 58 when dad was 73.

If your husband is pulling his weight at home doing the housework then I don't think he's being unreasonable. Could you look at reducing your hours as a compromise? Or diverting more of your salary into your pension to build up your pot with the intention of retiring a bit sooner?

@PrincessNannie · Today 14:42

Why is it bizarre that you would want to retire with your husband. If you were both the same age you would probably retire together and move on to the next stage of your life together to have shred experiences and memories.

OP isn't the same age as her DH though, she is a decade younger, so your point is moot. Of course she isn't going to be able to retire when he does. (Especially if he retires at 60!) It's an utter pipedream and a fantasy.

Very VERY few people will have a pension that is so vast that it will facilitate them retiring - AND their spouse/partner who is 10 years younger retiring too.

Also, if (eg) a man retires at 60 and his wife retires at 50 - 'so they can be in retirement together' - and the man dies at 62, do you think his pension(s) should cover his only 52 year old widow, and pay out a pension for her til she dies, so she never has to go back to work again? Yes right, like that's gonna happen.

Some people here are living in a world of fantasy, seriously!

Count your blessings. Retirement at 60 is living the dream, except that future generations won't even be able to dream of it.

I see as usual a bunch of nasty responses.

My dad was older than my mom. She retired 1 year after him 8 years earlier than he did.

They had a few years of travelling and being together and very happy.

Retire and enjoy your life if you can afford it. You will regret it if you keep working.

I’m older than DH. I retired slightly early with a reasonable pension but still work part time. I will continue to do so until State Pension age. I earn more than him with my combined pension and salary. As a result of this, he has been able to reduce his hours, initially dropping 1 full day and more recently reducing the number of hours he works each day. He will likely continue with this work pattern until he reaches his state pension age.
I do the bulk of the domestic stuff now, but he still does all the laundry!!!

I have sympathy. Slightly different in that my DH is likely to want to work longer than I do, but same feeling that his pension seems more 'his' than 'ours'. if I work longer I'll have a bigger pension to put in the pot I get that, but he actually likes working, and also my family history means I'm unlikely to have a long healthy retirement. Mine pop their clogs in their early 70s.

His family are mostly still very active and healthy into their late 80s!

Dropping a day a week might be a good compromise.

@EllyGi

I see as usual a bunch of nasty realistic and honest responses.

Fixed that for you. You're welcome.

I would agree with this. My DH is 8 years older than me, we were both in our thirties when we met. He had savings, I had none. Now I earn more than he does, but his savings have given us security when it was crucial and enabled us to buy a property.
I have thought about what our life will be like when he retires (at retirement age or early). Knowing him, he will take over the housework and cooking, while I'll still do food shopping. I hope we'll both be healthy enough for this to come true, I've known too many people not be able to retire in good health.

You are a partnership - I would expect a partner ways to spend quality time with the other partner and rather than you work 10 more years he would work a bit longer and you would work a bit shorter. Ie three years more each or whatever.

Why should you manage to retire early if he didn’t?