for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

Oh. LTB. MN is weird.

So many responses effectively wanting to punish the husband for having the temerity to get to 60 first.

And this is another thread where if it were reversed and an older woman saying that her younger husband wants to pack in work because she's now retired the first response would be to call him a cocklodger.

I think that this is a conversation you should have had years ago and a situation you should have predicted. Moving goal posts now and expecting you to both live with less pension/income so you can finish work as well is a little on the selfish side.

I also think this. I have a friend who retired at 55 for this very reason - her husband was 10-15 years older than her. They had 5 years of retirement together travelling etc and then he was diagnosed with cancer, she cared for him (although she was also going through treatment for cancer) and he died. If she had waited to retire when she was 60, they would never have had any retirement together.

I don't know what the answer is for you OP. What would bother me the most here is that my husband wouldn't like the thought of me also being retired or semi-retired and able to enjoy holidays etc together. Instead your dh seems to be perfectly happy to live two very different lifestyles.

And this is another thread where if it were reversed and an older woman saying that her younger husband wants to pack in work because she's now retired the first response would be to call him a cocklodger.

Absolutely this.

Look for a job with fewer hours if you hate where you are now.

They are very much the same.

If a couple agree that one takes on all the childcare to facilitate the other's career then the WOHP's income should be considered joint just as the decision is joint. The WOHP is not "supporting" the SAHP - without the SAHP they would be paying for childcare, housekeeping and a raft of other services to avoid a career hit. The SAHP's work is an equal contribution to the household income.

In this case the man both benefited from the gender pay gap (which is futher boosted when men have children) and from the OP taking the career compromises to bear the child wrangling responsibilities. He would not be as well placed financially if she had not done that and she could have afforded an earlier retirement.

As it is he is keeping all the benefits of an unconstrained career for himself whilst the OP takes yet another hit as the woman who took the hit to make that family, career and pension possible for him. At the very least he should be picking up the domestic load.

And on MN on a daily basis men get called all sorts for not pulling their weight when some of them work 50 plus hours a week.

My FIL died at 70 of a heart attack and he and my MIL retired, both at age 60. They thought about delaying retirement, but took a less lavish one to spend it together, and they got 10 years. My MIL is still alive at 91, so she’s had 21 years of widowhood. Yes, she has travelled and did so till she was about 80, but I know she still misses her husband and often told me she is so glad they retired together when they did.

Life is precious and I don’t blame OP for wondering if she’ll spend the majority of her retirement as a widow or caring for her husband.

you seem to have missed the the posts that clearly explained how this is not the same in reverse...unless of course the man had given birth, sacrificed a high flying career and actually wanted to spend time with his wife while she was healthy.

It's not a ridiculous assumption that OP will be her DH's carer. Statistically it is far more likely that she will be his carer than the other way round. As life expectancy is still around 80, it is totally possible that OP will be a carer in her 60s. Nothing is ever 100% but it is significantly more likely that OP's DH will run into health issues and need care before OP does.

Of course, this is what so many posters are missing. One of the biggest benefits of an age gap relationship for the older partner is that they have the advantage of having a younger partner that is not only unlikely to need the older partner to care for them, but also young enough to provide effective care. So if OP works the same amount of time as her DH in paid employment and then devotes a long time caring for him (which can be incredibly hard work) then she has obviously worked far more than her DH over their lifetimes and to boot, will not have the luxury of a partner to care for her when she reaches that age.

Unless you jointly have enough money to retire immediately with no massive compromises then I don't really know what you expected? This is what happens when you marry someone ten + years older than you. He's doing his retired stuff largely alone at this end, while there is always the risk that you'll be doing your retired stuff largely alone at the other end. He's not getting some added benefit that you will get eventually yourself.

How are the household chores arranged? I hope you won’t be doing all the washing, cooking , cleaning etc etc as well as working whilst he’s off enjoying himself! He needs to be taking on the lion’s share now he’s got all this spare time and you’re working full time.

I can see things both ways in that he’s done 10 years more work than you so why should you do less, on the other hand you want to enjoy retirement together whilst he’s still young enough to do so. If money was no issue I’d say yanbu but if it means having to be frugal then you should carry on working but maybe look for a job you enjoy more or go part time.
I also think that all money should be shared in a marriage and not thought of as “his pension” vs “her pension”, especially where one partner (usually the woman, let’s face it) has taken less money/worked part time/not climbed the career ladder due to birthing/bringing up their joint children.

I also have a much older husband, though he has not retired early, he has now retired and I'm still working.

When I was about 45 I thought I'd love to retire early (and I could, financially, retire in about 2 years; he retired last year).

However, I now think I'd quite like to work a bit longer - I have more to do in my profession, I want to progress, and it's getting to the interesting bit so to speak!

We also have relatively young children and I want them to see me as a working woman with a worthwhile profession.

with a 10 year age gap I would be worried that he gets 10 years of lovely jolly, and then when you retire you spend 10 years looking after a much older partner who is no longer up for the fun of retirement.

You perhaps need to make it clear then, that you’ll be enjoying your retirement fully for as long as you are physically well and that he’ll need to make financial arrangements for any care needs he may have when he’s in his 70s and 80s. He can’t have it all ways!

Honestly, it would be awful if you retired in your early sixties and only had a couple of years of freedom before you were ministering to an old man who’d had his retirement fun.

I know a fair few age gap 10year+ relationships (men both older and younger) and I don’t know of many cases where they haven’t retired within a few years of each other. Surely couples want that. Might as well stay single if not.

It's not a ridiculous assumption that OP will be her DH's carer. Statistically it is far more likely that she will be his carer than the other way round. As life expectancy is still around 80, it is totally possible that OP will be a carer in her 60s. Nothing is ever 100% but it is significantly more likely that OP's DH will run into health issues and need care before OP does.

I know two people who have had very severe early onset Alzeimer's. From 70 they've needed full time residential care. I know two other people who are still living fully independently at 90 and don't have carers of any sort. No-one can know what will be in store for them or their partner, but if you marry someone quite a bit older than you then there are certain things you should be prepared to anticipate. It's part of the deal of marriage, regardless of the age gap.

My Dh is 10 years older than me and is now 64. We decided between us that I wouldn’t go back to work after taking redundancy 5 years ago, though it is very much my choice if I decide to go back. We chose this approach as we are aware that in his 70’s he may have less desire to travel so we want to make the most of these years. I don’t think you’d be unreasonable about having a conversation with your DH as to how you’d like to share these years together and how you can make that happen financially.

Well, it's not like the age gap has just appeared out of nowhere. This is something that should have been discussed years ago, not now the DH is five years into retirement.

It should have been discussed decades ago when she agreed to take a poorer paid job that was family friendly, supported his career.
She has clearly stated her choice to change job was to support the family and his career benefited from that.
This is a long term relationship.
It is utterly disgusting IMO at this stage, decades later it is a yours and mine situation with his pension.
Women are constantly caught on this score when divorcing, but it is particularly ugly to see it with a living marriage.
She took the hit for the family years ago.
All pensions should be shared or pension contributions paid in her name.

He has already had the benefit of a wife who rearranged her career to take care of the young family while his career suffered not at all as a result of family responsibilities.

He has had a free run at a career while she has effectively contributed to his nice big pension by setting hers aside for the benefit of the family.

This "ten years older / more time spent at work equals entitlement" argument conveniently forgets the woman whose sacrifice made his career progression possible. The sacrifice and facilitation of family life on her part has apparently been invisible to her husband too.

It's a bit late for that if they are already married, unless you are advocating divorcing him for a younger model?

He has screwed her.

This is why, at almost 50, I’m reluctant to start a relationship with anyone more than a couple of years older than me.
I desperately want to retire early but it wo t happen for me, and a decade or more of graft while my partner is enjoying their well earned retirement, just wouldn’t work for me.

If I was in this situation I'd already be swanning off with mates any time I had the chance.
Give him a taste of what would happen when I retired. If he can do it,so can I.

FWIW there is 4 years between me and DP, but he likely wont retire til he gets too ill or old to carry on. It's the way he is. He could never fully give up work. On current estimates I'll be 67, so I'm socking money away in an attempt to retire sooner.

I cant believe how many posters keep saying that we should have planned for this ages ago. How exactly? you cannot predict the future, you can only make ma stab at it.

We both worked full time all our lives and then paid off the mortgage, then dh
got made redundant. at 60. You cant plan for that, and you cannot know how you are going to feel when dh has been retired 5 years and you havent.

My husband has just taken early retirement due to ill health. I am still working but I'm 4 years younger. I want to work until I'm 60 hut will i hope to reduce hours soon as we need to enjoy our time together when he is well enough to do so. I definitely advocate part time work, noone knows what's around the corner and his health now takes priority over finances 100%