for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

Women do want equality but each family is an economic unit. In this unit, one person enjoys free time and a good pension while the other "sits behind a screen".

Their ages do play into this and imo he should be generous to meet her half way.

Then it's a bit bloody outrageous that he's "retired" early and does things like lads holidays if he's had no income!!! Not really retired though has he, been unemployed until he got his pension, I'd say do as you see fit under these circumstances since you've been supporting him for 5 years! And to your earlier point of course his pension is your pension if your wage was supporting him! It goes both bloody ways.

My DH is 8 years older than me and he retired early when we paid off the mortgage. It also enabled me to go part time and this works for us. I want to retire at 60 though if I can so that we can have quality time together before either of us (but probably him) starts getting serious health issues as he will be late 60s then. If I wait until 67 to retire I feel that's too late for both of us.

Aren't we usually told on here how privileged the man is to go out and do the big job while the wife stays home? 🤣

This is your opportunity to wallow in privilege, OP.

I've seen that a few times on here and it's absolutely bizarre.
Like pension is just fun money and it's not part of the family income.

There was a thread a few months back where a poster had very young children with her older partner and he had just got some money from his pension and people were saying the same, that it was his money that he earned by working hard.....apparently it didn't need to be used as family money even though he had very young kids.

A very strange attitude.

In a post you made last year you mentioned being bored with early retirement and said you were looking for a new job

The important thing is to tell him you feel like his pension is his and not yours and how this doesn’t feel like a partnership right now when you’ve been supporting him for 5 years since he got made redundant. If he means this he should have gotten a part time job instead of being a relationship taker.

The op did?

Intriguing!

You really need to read the OP’s update.

Spoiler: he just got his pension last month. He has been living off her income for five years.

At the end of the day @MrsPuddle it's your decision when you retire. It's unfortunate for him that his decision was taken out of his hands, but it's not for him to then take control of when YOU retire. Sure, in a marriage, you discuss things, of course and there are times when you do not agree. This is one of those times, and it doesn't mean he gets to make the final decision. This is your life, your career/job, your retirement, your decision.

Why is it okay for your DH to work until he is 60 but not you?

That IS interesting!

Spoiler: he just got his pension last month. He has been living off her income for five years.

Interesting point.

Would you say the same about a woman who stayed at home as a 'home maker' or a full time mum?

In a marriage, if one person doesn't earn anything, do we say they are 'living off' the working spouse?

We don't know what he's done since he was made redundant. maybe he was renovating the house or doing most of the chores.

Not saying he was, but it's intriguing that some posters consider a non-earning spouse a kind of sponger.

It really just depends on if as a couple you need your income. Dh and I are mid 50's, he works and I don't. He couldn't care less what I do as long as I'm happy.

TBH this is far deeper an issue than just who works till when.

If you can't discuss and agree your future, where you each compromise and come to an arrangement you are both happy with, it's not much of a marriage.

You've only got yourself to blame if you are bored with your work. That's not down to him and even if you did give up a 'high flying' role to care for your children, you're now 55 and have had time to make changes.

Both of you need to sit down and talk properly.
About what you want from your job (maybe a different one?)
How much income you need as a couple both now and when you retire.
If you don't want to work but can afford not to, do that.
If you can't then you're going to have to work for some time until either he gets his state pension , you get your occupational pension, or you really cut back on your outgoings now.

Not unreasonable at all, I would hate this too. If you can afford to stop working then you should find a way to make that happen, life is too short.

DH is same age as me, but hasn't worked since being made redundant 10 years ago. He started drawing a pension from work at 55 and I still work full time at 61 - asked for reduced hours at work, but the request was rejected. I'll probably work full time for another 2-3 years. It doesn't bother me that DH isn't working - he does most of the cooking and shopping now which means I also have more time to myself. I might feel differently if I still had to do that around full time work though.

This is something you are going to have to work out between you. I don't think there is right or wrong. Reasonable argument for both parties. I'd say it depends greatly on your financial situation.

Lads’ holidays? Dear me.

I think I'd be a bit pissed off too @MrsPuddle if he's treating his pension like it's all his, and his alone. Unfortunately this seems to be common even after a lifetime of sharing income as a family. A lot of women would be better off, financially, from divorcing and seeking their fair share of pension assets if their own pension was impacted by having children and primary carer responsibilities.

Hopefully he just hasn't stopped to think about it properly. Maybe if you are able to have a proper chat about the total household income at the moment and how it can be best utilised to achieve the best lifestyle for both of you.

Otherwise, I very much hope that actual workload is shared -that is, while you are working he is taking on a fair share of household tasks.

Pretty sure if he was a 'homemaker' or full-time dad, the OP would have mentioned it in one of her posts, don't you think?

Well yes, older people will generally retire before younger people. If you can afford it now and you hate your job, however, go for it! Is he stopping you?

You’re my future! Except by the time I get to your age I’ve not got a hope of early retirement thanks to changes made to NHS pensions. I will be expected to work until I’m 67, my husband will be 77. Hopefully his pension will be enough to share that maybe I could go a few years earlier and suffer the penalties that will be imposed on mine. We both view our pensions as joint, we want to enjoy retirement together and whilst we/he has his health, we discuss it a lot but there will likely be a good few years at least that he is enjoying retirement whilst I work and I don’t resent that. It’s unfortunately part and parcel of marrying someone older and yes certainly not something I was thinking of when we met when I was 25.

sounds like complete bullshit to me.

This “he got to be married to a younger woman “ schtik is just plain weird. Her age is irrelevant. You make it sound like it’s some huge asset.
You work, you stop working, why should she feel hard done by because she’s still working? She can stop if she wants but she can’t then complain if she is short of funds. It’s up to her.