for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

But he was made redundant five years ago - so why wasn't a discussion had 4 years and 364 days ago? I mean, if DH stopped work and wasn't job hunting, I wouldn't just sit back and let him

You sound really unhappy OP, and it doesn't sound like he's hearing you.

And it sounds like you don't make many of the decisions in your marriage.

I would try and go PT in your current job. I would feel the same as you. Is there another option to WFH? Can you go into the office? Then he can have dinner ready for you when you get home, having done the house etc. Redress the balance a bit.

You are assuming it wasn't discussed. How do you actually force a 60 year old who declines to look for work to take a job?

It wouldn't surprise me if it started out as fine words about looking for "suitable" opportunities which conveniently never materialised because the OP's income meant he could get away without working.

Then the spouse is faced with the options of divorce (from a partner with zero income so likely to end up paying support anyway) or hoping that he will see sense and get off his arse.

Suddenly several years have passed whilst going through those stages and the realisation that he just won't work and is determined to deprive the OP of her opportunities. That is a hard thing to accept in a long term marriage and takes time to accept.

I've seen that scenario play out - its not as easy as "I simply wouldn't let him".

Why don't you just give up work when you want to - not when someone else expects you to? Your life, your decision.

Retiring at 60 would be great. Most women have to stay till 66 / 67, so if you can afford to leave, just do it.

The fact that you've been supporting both of you for five years is significant, I think.

His pension needs to work for both of you (like your wage has for the past five years). Part-time working until you retire sounds like a good idea, especially if you can find something that involves going into a workplace.

You are very lucky to be retiring at 60. He did his time, you are not being asked to do anything unfair.

Did you read the drip feed where he got made redundant 5 years ago and sponged of OP til his pension kicked at 65?

Think many people's opinions have changed on the back of that.

i've never liked older men so although you may not want my opinion, i'd be annoyed in your shoes. surely that's part of the deal. Part of the understanding. Your ''youth'' for his ''wealth''

He got to be married to a woman ten years younger and now he's swanning about enjoying his pension but directing you to stay working in a job you'd prefer to leave. I'd find that annoying.

It's your life so it's your choice. If you are ready to retire then do it! No one on their death bed says "I wish I had spent more of my life at work" .

You’d be resentful about having to work the same amount of time as he did?

Weird!

I believe a lot of higher earners in couples with children are facilitated to maintain that higher earning status while their partners pick up the slack at home (via taking time out, via going part time, via 'downsizing' their own career, via picking up the lion's share of the housework, etc).

IF this is one of those situations, where OP's career was stalled and she did most of the heavy lifting at home so her husband's career could continue and rise unimpeded, then part of that pension is rightfully hers, too, frankly. It would certainly be the case if they divorced.

I would stop doing any housework stop doing anything that facilitates him.

🙄

I'm 54 husband 59 we have both worked hard all of our lives. We retire shortly both together when our combined pensions can support us both (mine bigger than his) I would never say to my husband that as you can't really afford to retire you need to keep working. You are married finances are joint and life is short!

”He got to be married to a younger woman”?!
What's fair about a woman expecting to work fewer years than her husband. Women wanted equality!

in sickness and in health

Ultimately it is your choice when you retire. Have you got quotes to see what you would get if you retire now at 55? How do you organise your finances?

Does he not get the irony of you using your income to support him in early retirement but he is now laying down the law about when you can go. I do not get why the arbitrary rule about retiring at 60. Most people retire when they can afford it unless they love their jobs.

OP says herself they never discussed money or retirement - so it's not really much of an assumption, lol.

I mean, I get what you're saying about how it's easy to sleepwalk into this situation but at some point you have to take responsibility for your circumstances - you can't just sit back passively forever.

I can relate because DH is 14 years older and retired 2 years ago.

It is hard to plan because we didn’t know exactly what his pension would be and what our outgoings would be. We still have 2 dses at university and funded by us.

I am still working (I’m only 50 this year) but have just reduced my hours very slightly.

We have planned to a degree and have comfortable savings as well as continuing to save currently for me to retire early. I’m a nurse so only want to give up when I am absolutely sure I’m done and don’t want to return as I will have to give up my PIN. I anticipate this will be by the time I am 60.

i did work part time when our dses were little and I do remind DH I took the hit with my pension whilst he made no change to his working life and has a great pension as a result. DH forgets that regularly which irritates. On the whole though we bumble along, DH picks up the slack at home and I work very hard!

We are taking as many holidays as my annual leave allows and enjoying life now as when I am 60 DH will be 74 and we don’t know what his health will be like.

You sort of have to be on the same page but one partner retiring really changes the dynamic and it can be a really tricky transition. I certainly never expected it to be as difficult as it was. I am more used to it now but it’s taken a couple of years.

Yeh, he did. He got to be married to a younger woman, and now he's making her watch him enjoy life on his good pension while she works. And if I understand right, she has already watched him enjoy his free time for FIVE YEARS.

Does he value op's wages more than having her around? It seems so. That'd turn me off him.

I 100% agree with you OP. In past years men would retire at 65 and women 60 so couples often retired together.

I am very close in age to DH. He’s due to retire at 55 but he wants me to retire with him even though I’ll only be 52. He wants to share our retirement. DH pension is big as he was a soldier for many years. My pension is pretty much non existent as I didn’t work when looking after children. I am now full time self employed and still look after the home and family.

We will share DH big pension. He thinks of it as OUR money not his alone. I did my part looking part looking after the home and the family and contributing a little money. DH contributed most of the money with little home or child care

@MrsPuddle, that does sound rough.
I assume you are at least not having to do much around the home?
May I ask how he would describe what happened?

Two families as it’s both my mothers and fathers sides. And not as uncommon as you think.

But she took a career downturn to look after the kids?

My pension is the main source of retirement income for me and DH. Even though, in my view, he’s not pulled his weight domestically or financially (he’s followed his passions via self employment but never made much money but didn’t have to as my salary was enough), even I see ‘my’ pension as our money. Even if we split up I’d see it as half his.