for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

I completely get it @MrsPuddle iys not the age thing and years worked it’s you and him are on the same timeline now. He is relaxing and holiday song and you are working. Any income is surely shared money like it has been through marriage.

If he’s not working than as if when you were on maternity or a SAHM then he should be doing all the housework/cooking etc.

But it sounds like you want to enjoy life with him now and not when he’s 70 and that’s far enough!

Can you spend the next 5 years putting in additional contributions to your pension? That may make it feel better. Also, women live longer than men, so being blunt, you may have a good few years to go off on jollies on your own without him. My MIL was devoted to her DH but frankly, she got a new lease of life after he died.

You may not have been able to predict his redundancy, but you knew he was 10 years older than you so would be retiring a decade before you.

You should have talked about how retirement would pan out years ago. DH and I have another two decades to go but we've already started discussing retirement and how it'll look for us.

I'm going against the grain here. We've discussed retirement, long way off for us but DH is older by 5 years. The general consensus is once there is enough in the our private pensions then we'll retire. It's irrelevant to us what age we both are. We deem our pensions as a shared income for us to enjoy together. That might mean I end up retiring earlier than him age wise but he's happy with that. He reiterates often that my pension and salary have taken the hit whilst bringing up the kids so he's happy to ensure he can invest his pension well enough to support our income during retirement.

I would probably take up temporary paid employment or voluntary work from time to time anyway because I can't sit still so it wouldn't be like I'd be leeching his pension.

You sound like those pregnant women who had very detailed birthing plan with whale music and everyhting and mocked those of us who didnt...we all know how that turned out dont we😂

It feels like you hate your job. Could you get a much less pressured part time job, just like light admin work or something?
Most people would think retiring at 60 was quite a luxury. You DH can't force you not to retire, but if he's not supportive financially to fill in the gaps could you be frugal yourself, while he spends his own money on him? Not saying he'd be that mean but it feels like if he was still working you'd be less bothered by your own situation. Which isn't that great of a reason.

lol, if you say so, but you're the one who's miserable and pissed off, not me.

Quite. Let's mock people who communicate and plan...

yes, and I couldnt have predicted my feelings or redundancy, which is my point.

Logic and emotion two different things.

YABU - Do your time. he has done his.

I can understand how you feel.
DH and I planned to retire at the same time, 62 for him and 60 for me but, like your husband, he was made redundant at 61 and for various reasons in my workplace I felt I had to stay to help through a crisis so worked a bit longer than planned. My pension is still very little compared to his, even after those extra years, as my career took the knock from part-time work, mat leaves, etc but we both see it as a partnership
One of my old friends has a husband 12 years older than her and she retired in her early-50s so they could spend time together and travel as they both worried his health might not last until she retired if she waited till 60

On one level it's really positive that your husband is enjoying his retirement, that he has friends and hobbies, and goes away.

What I found tricky at first when my husband - who's older than me - retired is just that he was around a lot. Not watching daytime TV all the time, but it took a while for him to sort out a new life for himself after a very busy professional career.

So I'd be glad he was happy and busy. But I agree with everyone who said he should be doing more of the chores, cooking etc to support you. And perhaps you should also start developing interests for whenever you do retire. (I don't think retirement is just about doing stuff as a couple. I think it's also about developing your own independent interests.)

But prudent long-range financial planning does consider numerous scenarios, such as redundancy, disability, divorce, illness, economic downturn, etc. - these things are not unexpected; they happen in many lifetimes.

As a pp suggested, women live a lot longer than men. If you were to retire now, can your pension sustain you for 40 years?

It sounds as though neither of you can actually afford to retire, if all of the above scenarios aren't covered. Your husband could pick up some sort of work for wages.

Gosh @MrsPuddle he sounds mean 😕 It'd be different if retirement was out of the question financially, but it sounds as though he just isn't willing to make any compromise - regardless of how you feel. I've no idea how you'll go about solving the issue?

I'm a good few years younger than you, and I gave up the daily grind a few years ago with my husband's blessing (we live comfortably on his salary). My husband and I have both made sacrifices for each other over the years - I was chief cook and bottle washer when our daughter was young and my DH was studying and doing unsociable hours/on call shifts. As you say, marriage is about being a team.

In your position, I'd find your husband's attitude really quite cruel ☹️

Both parties are equally responsible for not discussing this. It doesn't mean the DH's suggested plan is the default.

So if he was made redundant rather than retire, how did he get his pension?

I agree though that if you could manage you should retire or go part time.

What would belt tightening actually look like?

Cutting back on luxuries or necessities?

How do you see the rest of your life playing out op? If you could afford to retire on your husband's pension what would you do all day? Do you want more holidays? Is there something you love doing that you could work at flexibly or part time? Do you want to spend all your time with your husband or do you benefit from having separate interests? I think you need to have a very hard think about what kind of life you both actually want.

My husband has been medically retired for years. I do sometimes feel jealous that I’m getting up at silly o’clock and whilst he sleeps in but it is what it is. Life can be like that - you can choose to crack on or simmer with resentment. I just get on with it.

Mumsnet is bizzare sometimes. I don't know many 20 year olds who are having conversations with their partners about pension plans.

What does he say when you try to discuss it OP? Have you mentioned that you changed career when you had children and your pension is smaller because of it?

Are you out and about at weekends with your DH and enjoying holidays together when you have leave?

And if it's the experience he is currently enjoying you are envious of won't it be different if you retire as neither of you will be able to afford it?

Theres no pension, we live off my income. But last month he hit 65 and now has a pension. Its not big, hence the belt tightening if I stop.

I think saying you can’t plan for retirement in the future is pretty disingenuous. You can make plans…run through ‘what if’ scenarios, have a loose idea, etc. then you throw money at all of those musings to give you future options… then when the time starts to draw nearer you can then start to solidify all of the things you planned.

That’s what DH and I (4 year’s difference in age) have been doing for about 5 years. He’s about 3 years from retiring with a full pension (US so this will start paying the month after he retires from his job even though he’ll be under the age to access any other retirement funds) and I won’t be able to access any of my retirement funds for about 15 more years.

We’re both looking at ‘next stage’ careers/jobs that start us on the path to full retirement to happen probably within 10 years. He’ll probably be fully retired before I am .. but I plan to contract to have longer downtimes.

Over the years our ideas have shifted a bit but we are getting closer to starting to enacting some of our plans. sure life will throw us a few curveballs, but I can’t imagine not having these types of conversations and agreements. I mean what you woke up today and thought I’ll make a decision about the next 30 years? That seems a bit off.

It isn't really about having children, you'd feel the same if you had no children or had been a SAHM. The bottomline is you don't like your job and you envy him which is understandable. He feels he worked till he was 60 and that is a good retirement age which is also understandable. Look at ways round this, can you come to an agreement about a retirement date, would changing jobs help, would going part time help. I worked till 70 but it was part time and it was a very sociable friendly place to work, I don't think I'd have worked till 70 if I was doing a job that made me miserable.

My father retired at 60 when my mother was 56. At the time she said she wished he would keep working longer, as she felt too young to retire, but they were lucky enough to be able to afford it, so she stopped working too. They had a great time together, then at 70 my father got cancer. He died at 71. My mother said in retrospect she was very glad he retired at 60 because they had a wonderful decade together. You never know what the future will bring but, if you can afford to retire and join in the fun with your husband then that’s what I would recommend.

Now that is a problem. Why did you let him live off your income alone? Why could he not get a job until his pension kicked in? Are you subsidising lads holidays?