for being upset as my dh has retired early (at 60) and expects me to keep working until 60 too, even though he is 10 years older than me

[MrsPuddle]

I dont particularly enjoy my job or it would be ok, but now he is 65 and I am 55, I am getting resentful as he is out and about enjoying himself, going on lads holidays etc and I am stuck at home behind a screen. I just cant do this for another 5 years, but he cant see the problem. If we wait until I am 60 he will be 70 and he will be older and who knows, maybe not well, and not inclined to be active with me. We will have enough money, if we just tighten out belts in retirement. Has anyone else faced this issue with an older partner? thanks

So he didn’t retire early, he lost his job and didn’t get another one between 60-65?

You are both at fault by not being prepared for a joint retirement

There are 10 years between my mum and dad and my dad worked longer to allow my mum to retire earlier. Thats what planning and having a balanced relationship is about

Yes, I know all that, but it seems like you never bothered to talk about it at all. Not when you dropped to PT hours, not when he was approaching retirement, not even when he retired

Retirement is a huge thing for most people and should be talked about way in advance. You knew you had an age gap and that he'd be retiring first, so it baffles me that neither of you ever talked about it or made any plans for it.

Well to be honest they should! Especially if there is a big difference in age or financial/career potential positions.

Long term plans and expectations should be discussed once a relationship has become serious. Just like whether or not children are on the agenda for either or both parties and the likely timescale.

A big age gap us not something to be entered into lightly. I may have to be DP's carer one day but I knew this when I agreed to a life partnership with him. He supported me financially when the DC were small and it was all part of the contract between us. Life didn't go quite according to plan financially (unexpected redundancy for him and a very inconvenient relocation for me) but we were enough on the same page to roll with it and delay our retirements.

Too many people are financially naive when entering into relationships.

So for five years he lived off your income until his pension kicked-in at 65?

So OP has paid work and they both live off the money from that.
He has a pension and spends that on himself?
Have I got that right?
Does he do any of the domestic work, do we know?

Well, that's a dripfeed if there ever was one!

A lot of that is because financial education in this country is shocking. Can be seen on a lot of threads on here by the amount of people who have little understanding of taxes, mortgages and pensions and think they are safe by combining all money together

As couples plan any finances it should be long term and not just about the next short term milestone

If you took the hit pension-wise because you had kids, then your DH is being absolutely feckin' outrageous. How dare he not see what he accrued off the back of your domestic labour is yours too! Other posters are right, you'd be better off divorced - not only would you get half the assets, including his pension, but you'd be free of caring for him when he's older.

I'd make this very, very clear to him.

Not rtft but that's the point of marriage vows. In sickness and in health

Just divorce him and look after yourself op, sounds like he has used you for years and years and likes it all his own way.

It doesn’t sound as though living off dhs pension is realistic. At 65 he won’t even be getting state pension yet, just his private one which you have said is not big. I think if it was easily affordable for you both to live well off his pension, he’d already have suggested it.

So you managed on your wage for 5yrs but he won't let you manage on his pension for 5yrs until you also get yours?

Why isn’t he working? Why hasn’t he worked for the last five years? Why has he been living off your wages? At 70 he may not be active for you. Will he begrudge you going on jollies with your friends while he sits at home yelling at clouds? Or will he have spent all your money by then? This doesn’t sound very equitable.

Well that changes things! So he didn't retire at 60, he was unemployed!

Why didn't he get a job, any job would have been better than nothing.

he has a right to enjoy his retirement, he could be dead soon, you never know what's around the corner. my dad didn't even make it to retirement, not everyone does.

That's because financial education in this country is practically nonexistent, sadly.

Marriage is a partnership, it is about sharing.

But it's about sharing the tedious, dull things as well as the nice things.

You can't cherry pick.

You can't decide to share taking money out of the pension pot and also decide to not share putting money in.

He hasn't been retired, he has been unemployed for 5 years whilst living off the OP.

Massive dripfeed. Such a confusing thread.

He hasn’t been putting money in for 5 years! He chose to be unemployed for the past five years until his pension kicked in.

Well, it's not great, is it?

Is he doing his fair share at home? If not, he should be and more, now that he's retired.

It doesn't sound like you're a team. It doesn't sound like he's given much thought for you still working while he's off enjoying himself.

I'd pull right back on the wifework and cooking.

You've already been supporting him for the last 5 years. If there's 10 years between you, I think stopping 5 years before him seems like a fair compromise. Probably finding something part time, and/or something more enjoyable would be an even better solution.

I would be upset if my husband didn't want to spend the healthiest years of his retirement with me. Statistically you're the one more likely to end up doing some caring for him. It would be really miserable if you slogged another 5 years through a job you hate, only to retire and move straight onto caring for a now ailing husband. (I understand that 70 is not exactly elderly! He may well have another 20 fairly healthy years. But he may not. What is certain is that you're both in a place right now where you could enjoy spending time together)

But she will potentially give up many years of her early retirement to caring, then she may have the extra 4 years too late to do the same travelling as she could well need caring for.

I'd advise anyone in a couple planning their retirement to calculate not only if they can live on their joint pensions but also to work out what each would get when one of them dies, and if that would be enough for them to live alone.

So many couples have one person with a much bigger pension than the other and if that person is the first to die it leaves the widowed one in a difficult position.

So are you still paying all the bills & he's spending his pension on himself?