Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

TBH, I'm not surprised you are depressed. You must feel really trapped and unappreciated. I do think you both need better communication skills and he needs to pull his weight. How long do you think you can keep going on like this? Please think about what you want from your life. I know it's hard when you feel so low, but you deserve better.

If you, he and the kids are not out on the streets then his life is where it needs to be job wise. I'm sorry but he needs to look at life as a whole. What support do you need? What do the kids need? I know very few people that can have job, wife, kids, housing, holidays spending and everything else ALL up to 100% brilliant 24/7! Maybe the super-rich who let servants manage 98% of it, but no-one real! He needs to iron out his priorities and see what fits together, or else he needs to get divorced because you and the kids deserve better.

But he obviously didn’t want a normal family life. It’s a bit different to give that up for a year or two, or for studying maybe, but 15 years? He has done exactly what he wanted without a thought ( or so it seems ) for his depressed wife.

That is certainly true! I was quite a high flyer back in the day. I sometimes think 'what if'.

Anyway OP- your husband does not sound like he can ever be a proper partner or father. If he is blaming you for holding him back (untrue by the way) then he will only simmer and resent you and the children.

Honestly? I'd get out now. Get the best possible advice you can and have a bright future with someone who does not undermine you and let your children have a life not walking on eggshells around a spiteful emotionally ugly pathetic excuse for a father.

On no level is it your fault. And it's very weird that something so important to him - this interview - he hadn't shared with you.

(a) He's an unpleasant person

(b) someone who never takes a day off isn't necessarily a good employee. People need down-time and an employee who takes leave and returns refreshed and energised might be better

(c) he's a crap dad

(d) his employers will not have based any of their decision on anything you have done. They will know your husband and his work and capabilities from long experience, nothing that you did affected it

(e) working hard at a more junior role does not necessarily qualify you for a senior role. Working more hours doesn't make you better. The right person for the senior role wasn't your husband and presumably they interviewed and appointed someone who ticked more boxes.

He would be better off taking his full quota of annual leave but spending some of that time in activities that develop more managerial/senior skills - eg by volunteering or coaching with sports & leisure activities - but that's not your problem, you aren't his career coach and your priority should be getting things sorted for the divorce you need.

If it is partnership that he is going for it will have very little to do with you and all to do with his business case. He will (or already has) received a lot of feedback in where he missed the mark and none of it will be related to having a stressed out wife.

You said yourself that he works all the hours god sends so it’s hardly as though you or family life have managed to get in the way.

My advice as someone who has worked in the Big 4 and is married to a partner in a law firm would be to change firm and apply for roles to go straight in as partner. That is what ex-colleagues have done who didn’t get through the partnership process of their existing firms and it’s been quite a successful strategy.

He chose to have a family. He is the one who is failing to balance his life.

as much importance as people place on the interview process, when you reach a certain level, management has a good picture of the employees beyond the interview. They aren’t really going to base their decision on one moment.

the company likely saw a high-strung man who takes out his grievances on the people around him. He may be good at his job, but a good company will not pick someone like that over a better tempered employee who does a good job. They understand the impact personality will have on morale.

He wants to know why he hasn't been promoted?;maybe looking at himself and his attitude to his home life would shed some light on why

So far I see

*Selfishness
*No empathy
*Poor time management
*Not being a team player
*unable to prioritise what's important
*Lack of accountability

We all know people like your husband in the workplace or have known someone like them;they are nearly always men,they work non stop,kiss ass,drop other people in hot water,don't really seem to have many friends and are usually unpopular with their work colleagues who secretly think they are douchebags.

He isn't married to you. He isn't a contributing element in family life.

His primary relationship is with his own ego.

I'd be tempted to tell him some hard truths about his addiction to external validation and tell him he reorders his priorities or he can get used to the idea of parenting the children on his own every other weekend and having them half the time during school holidays.

You're a single parent here. He seems to think support and emotional availability should only go one way. And now he's punishing you - and his own small children - because his ego is bruised.

Is this what you signed up for?

He sounds like a dick. Of course it isn't your fault

YYY to @Ponderingwindow and @Duckingella.

He's clearly failed the self awareness test too.

What a horrible way for him to get on OP. Firstly you are not responsible for whether he gets promoted or not, that's entirely on him. Secondly, if it is partnership in a law firm, he is demonstrating the exact opposite behaviours that need to be in place before becoming partner. Partners lead teams and need to ensure a balance is there in terms of leave and work life, as the teams they manage will demand this. In my firm (international firm) a workaholic wouldn't be promoted as it isn't in line with our firm values. My husband has just been promoted to partner at his firm and he shares parenting completely 50/50 with me (ie taking leave to cover school holidays, all drop offs, pick ups, sports day etc). He still smashes his hours but the kids come first. Your husband needs to grow up. Blaming you is just not acceptable and I'd pull him on it. Sorry you're dealing with this.

He’s got some fucking cheek hasn’t he! You are facilitating his life by doing home stuff and child care. I concur with the wanker majority verdict. He should be kissing your feet not petulantly whining about.

Yes to this.

My god, some of you are married to twats. Divorce the prick so that he actually has to take care of his kids occasionally

So he's an abusive father as well as a shit human being and a useless husband.

Do you work?

Not engaging with your kids during a time of stress is not abusive. Come off it.

I reckon you'd be a lot less depressed if you left him.

Your kids would be happier too.

Well I have high standards. If my h ignored my kids when they wanted to play there would be words. They don't have to take the consequences of his stress. Parent then later have your sulk.

I think he should take this as a sign from God that being focused on his career and work is just not his destiny. Even if he is a workaholic and puts all the extra effort in, he isn't going to get rewarded so why bother. He should focus on his family and keep his job more as a way to make money for his family and put his ambitions to the side as they clearly don't work out.

Your husband needs a really fast reality check regarding loyalty with his employers....should the worst ever happen to him, and you had to call them to tell them, before they had finished saying how sorry they were they would be emailing HR and placing an advert for his role.

You cannot possibly be to blame for his failure to get promoted unless you did the interview for him !!!

He needs a kick up the arse and help you more, and create a lift work balance or his kids are not going to have a relationship with him when they are older.

What a selfish arsehole.

He's a bad partner and a bad father.

He can't even take responsibility for his own career issues, and wants to blame them on you.

Really pathetic. I can't imagine why you would want to stay with him.

I find it difficult to imagine that what you described could have undone 15 years of high performance (which is not the same as hard work and presenteeism) and 2.5 years of prep.

It sounds to me like your H may be one of the many men who sadly have ambitions beyond their capabilities. Because it really shouldn't be necessary to devote yourself quite so single minded for so long in a job thats a good fit for your capabilities, and for that not to result in promotion.

The fact that he is acting like you're too blame suggests an element of denial, as a healthy approach would be to look at where he may have fallen short. I hope your H comes to terms with it and to realise that not everyone climbs to the top. There's too few jobs and too much competition, more important things in life, like his wife and children. Because if he doesn't he may end up a bitter older man who's missed out on his family for nothing.