Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Exactly

Exactly. Family over career always. It reminds me of that thread the other day where the mum blanked her children at the end of a running race, it wasn’t on then and it’s not on now. People need to realise that family always comes first beyond anything either hobby or work related. You can always say no.

Gently, you need to stop making everything about you.

Yes you may have your own issues but you admit that he has worked so hard for this and it’s important that you allow him to feel sad for himself and not make it about yourself.

Be there to support him and tell him how he deserves it etc but also give him space.

Perhaps do some nice treats for him and just have a few days where it’s all about him.

I know I would be devastated if I was him and if someone was then making it about themselves, it would be such a kick in the teeth.

In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off.

OMG. Life is for living....

Like the Buddhist Lama said ^No-one on their death bed will be saying "I wish I'd spent more time in the office"

"Or kept a perfect house".

First post nailed it.

Unless you personally spent every single second of the last 2.5 YEARS deliberately upsetting him to make his job harder, then his getting a promotion or not was completely in his control and nothing to do with you.

If I was going to promote someone and I'd been looking at what they'd done over the past 2.5 years, 1 bad day wouldn't change my mind either way.

It's people who have bad years that don't get the promotion, not someone who had one off day, unless he went so far as to physically attack someone in the office or get arrested mid shift.

It's not your fault.
It's his fault.
He didn't get it because of him, not because of you.

You get promoted for results, not graft. There is a big difference.
Family first, work smart.

The OP isn't making it all about her. He, however, is making it all about him. She says:

He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

And now he's giving her the silent treament and ignoring the DCs when they're asking him to play.

Like hell would I be sorting out some nice treats and making it all about him for a few days. He's selfish and self absorbed, I certainly wouldn't be reinforcing that behaviour with treats.

I felt very down and started seraltine in Jan and it has helped me a bit.
He couldn't just have lost out on promotion because you had argument last week, can he ask for feedback.

You’re probably depressed as a very normal response to not having a very good husband.

My dad never took a day off work, worked overtime every single day, was never there at bedtime, worked for the company for 15 years and they made him redundant without a second thought. The only good thing to come out of it was that it taught me to always put your family first.

A PP advised giving him a bit of space, personally I'd be giving the selfish sod a lot of space, in fact all the space he could handle. You and the children aren't a priority and heaven knows why he got married in the first place. I want to punch him if I'm honest. He sounds awful and can't understand why you put up with it all these years.

1. As a manager, I would be very wary of someone who works like he does - rather than seeing him as a candidate for promotion, I would wonder if he cant really cope with the amount of work he has.
2. if they were going to promote him, they would have. You sounding off to him the week before would have not made the slightest difference.
3. It is very possible that if he had not met you and had his family, he would not be as far along as he is - it is well established that married men rate their happiness as higher than any other group, then single women, then single men, then married women. Being married may have given him a lifestyle he would never have been able to attain on his own - house cared for, fed, clothed, life and family admin done.
4. If he needed time, he could have asked you.

Are you depressed? Or is it a reaction to a DH who is prepared to be like this?

He has sacrificed a lot. Yes, you and the kids.

Your H is abusive. There's no other word for this behaviour. You need to leave before he takes it out on the DC even more. Men like this do NOT improve. Only escalate. What stage they escalate to will vary of course, but make no mistake - they escalate.

Please leave OP. I was your youngest DC in this scenario growing up and my life would've been a thousand times better had my mum left. In fact, my entire adult life would've taken a different course. I won’t go into the minute, specific reasons why, of course but it would have done. Entirely different. At 40 years old I am still in therapy for the shit I both witnessed & endured as a child. My post probably seems like an overreaction given you've just posted about your H's reaction to not getting a promotion but people like myself who've grown up in households like this, we spot the signs a mile off. We have invisible radars spinning on top of our heads 😉

He’s a workaholic, an unsupportive partner and father, and you’ve developed depression managing small children alone… and because you’re depressed and row with him when he consistently fails to hear/see/recognise you need support…. it’s your fault that he didn’t get a promotion?

I suspect 2 things:
1, he didn't get the promotion because he is equally self-centred and unresponsive to the needs of his colleagues which makes him a bad risk for management or seniority;
2, that your marriage has been failing for some time and that you either need to insist he undertakes come couples therapy to save it, OR you free him up to work as much as he likes - every weekend if he fancies it - by showing him the door. And locking it firmly after him.

I assume he didn’t make partner? In which case it’s not a one week decision. It’s a long term decision made by a lot of people. He is annoyed and taking it out on you which isn’t fair. He should be pissed at being told he was going to make it when he wasn’t

Unless he works in a professional services company his behaviour sounds like he would be a very poor candidate for promotion. He sounds a terrible role model unable to manage his workload and probably making junior staff feel guilty if they’re not equally available.
if he does work in professional services still bad but encouraged!

The post doesn’t say that. What the post actually describes is someone is working exceptionally hard to his own detriment. If he’s the only working parent that’s going to add further stress. There’s nothing here to suggest abuse. Stress yes. Overworked yes. Abuse. No.

This!

He doesn't deserve the promotion, he isn't well rounded as a person, husband or employee. He's abusive.

Massive disappointment for him, @2024Mu but its nothing to do with you.

Give him time, maybe he'll realise that work isn't everything and maybe he'll stop trying so much.

Being disappointed doesn't give him the right to be a massive dick and check out of family life though.

@2024Mu

Sounds like he appreaciates the status and ego boost for himself as husband amd father society bestows on his masculinity in society,
and of course all the emotional benefits the security 🙄 of family life and meals cooked and lovely home comforts ,

but not the reality of putting in the effort of being a proper husband and dad,

He has checked out of his responsibilities donkey years ago,

He is just like workaholic bachelor single dude like a house mate sharing your personal space but not sharing your life's together,

His prioritises are seriously out of kilter not only is he jeopardise his marriage but also his own health too

Your husband chose to be a husband and father but resents having to give any of himself to those roles. That is not your fault.

Like any workaholic he risks living his family as you might look for someone to actually share your life with or hope that he has contacts with the kids so you can get a little time off.

The muttering is concerning as could be a precursor to a mental health breakdown. It might be time for him to talk to his GP and try some antidepressants.

Apologies if I have missed the info but do you work? It might be helpful if you were sharing the financial burden.