Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Sounds like big4 partnership. I am a CA trained in big 4 so have plenty of friends / colleagues / aquaintances who have been through this more than once

The decent ones get on with it without affecting everyone around them but one who is currently going through it for the second time makes her husbands life hell too. But this is because she is a Not Very Nice Person - not because her partner has affected her chances of getting the promotion

Is it at all possible that he is blaming you OP because he also is a Not Very Nice Person rather than because you hindered his chances in any way? As someone in the profession I would also say that one of the measures of ability / capability to make partner, is the ability to delegate and bring more junior staff along behind you. It doesn’t sound as though he has developed that ability at all if he is unable to even attend his DCs school events or take a proper holiday

IMHO he should maybe take a moment to take a hard look at himself, how he’s conducting his work life, and how he’s treating you and his little family

OP, with all my respect no wonder why you are struggling with a man like him by your side.
YANBU.

I’m not surprised your depressed, I would be too if my DH took the raging piss constantly. Get your self to a therapist and work on your self esteem. This man needs a reality check. People get promoted because they are LIKED by senior management. It’s got nothing to do with hard work or being competent or dedicated. And it certainly has nothing to do with you. He should try not being a dick.

I don't think he blames you, I think he's just feeling very bruised and under-appreciated, certainly at work and possibly at home too, right now. That said, if you've had no support at home with the children and feel like you've held it all together forever by yourself while he concentrates solely on his career, then that's not good for you either. There should be a better work/life/relationship balance than this.

What I will say though, is if he genuinely hasn't taken any time off in 15 years, has been through a 2.5 year process, gives his job his all and still doesn't get a promotion then he's possibly in the wrong job, or at least the wrong company. It's not normal to give that much effort over that much time, and still not see any reward.

It reminds me of something I experienced in Japanese corporate culture where no employee ever feels he can leave the office before anyone senior, and then they are frightened to leave the office before any of their peers in case word gets back that they are lazier or not as committed as someone else might be. All that achieves is that you have a room full of people, all still shuffling paper at 10pm each night, all exhausted, not terribly productive and all paranoid.

Perhaps he's fundamentally unsuited to that specific role and no amount of hard work is going to change that, so he gets overlooked. Perhaps his company completely take him for granted, have pigeon holed him for years and have no intention of helping him advance.

Maybe for his own sanity it's time for a move and a fresh start.

Not surprising he wasn't promoted, he's a maniac.

I immediately thought Big4 as well, I've worked in HR in one of them during promotion rounds and there is no way the final presentation would swing it based just on an 'off day'. Panels know when someone is nervous or tired or whatever and they know the person's track record. It's very rare that the decision isn't already pretty clear, unless he was really, really marginal on the criteria i.e. income generation/client list and there was maybe something in the pipeline they wanted to explore further. Even then I can't see him having a bad day would be the ONLY reason he failed. It just wouldn't be. I know one person who didn't make it, manly due to a lack of real substance in his proposals, but he was given very clear feedback on what to do to be successful in the following year. He took the knockback on the chin, did all that and made it.

As for you, your problems are important too. Stop making yourself small in comparison to him. Has it occurred to you that you are stressed and unwell because of how little help and support he gives you? Blaming you for his lack of career progression is a terrible thing to do. I hope the responses on this thread give you some food for thought on what to do next.

Surprise, surprise,the Tory apologist thinks a wife exists to meet her man's needs and put up with his sulks.🙄

I'm currently going through a promotion process which involves interview panels and psychometric testing, interview with a psychologist/life coach etc to discuss personal style etc (to leadership and coaching etc and identify gaps and come up with plans for improvement etc). It's hideous (and similar to Big4 where I "grew up").

The thing is, this process lays bare a lot of awful management styles. I know one person - who did get through recently - but who practically had an argument with his panel about not taking proper breaks from work and fully disengaging when on A/L both in terms of this being a risk management red flag and setting a bad WLB example to staff. He and I are very alike and I know that I will need to errrrm... "fudge" some of my responses at my interview if I don't want to have the same issue with the panel (notwithstanding that my job actually needs me to be the way I am, certainly at the moment and the pressures are different to other areas of the firm which are a bit easier to plan, schedule and take a break from when A/L comes around - i.e. Audit/Compliance!!!).

So the things that he seems to feel entitle him to the job may well be the very things that have been held against him.

Either way, blaming you is shit.

If your dh really does put in the work, does a good job, is well liked and suitable for the promotion and doesn't get it, then either competition is very tight and he just lost out or is being held back because company needs him in current role too much (latter happened to me). Other side is maybe your husband isn't as good as he appears to you. But, in the end OP, who cares? He is making home life miserable. It has caused you health issues. His relationship with dc is indifferent. They are suffering. He needs to change now or get out. You have to stand up for yourself and, fgs, stand up for your poor children. With dads like this is it any wonder there are countless posts in this forum from women chasing men who treat them badly? Your children are being set up to always seek attention and approval from men that ignore them and treat them badly and base their self-worth on it.

Yuk!

Fuck him and fuck his very important job OP!

Ignoring his small child because he didn’t get his promotion, being horrible to his wife, checked out of family life (did he ever check in?), making his wife feel like everything is her fault, not being present for his DCs or doing anything in terms of household/kids stuff either I bet.

Tell the awful man you’re finished and now he will have no distractions from his precious job. Men like this will never change. He’s made it clear his family is not his priority.

This…

I have seen people promoted for;

Being in the right place at the right time

Being part of an "old boys network"

Having a face that fits

Having ideas to progress the company forwards & or generate more money, better statistics, better share prices, new ways of working such as work smarter, not harder etc

Many more scenarios

Unless he requests feedback for his lack of promotion he will never know

He might not like or agree with the person who has been promoted

However, the Op is not responsible for his lack of promotion

In my old job I knew someone who was totally committed to his job, always the last to leave the office, always available on holiday blah blah. not a bad person. But one day (I wasn't there by then) someone came into the office in the morning and he was there face down on his desk having had a stroke and died. It was a shock, people were vary sad of course (he was fairly well liked) and within a week his work was being covered by someone else. He was important as a human being but completely replaceable work wise so it makes you think what was the point of putting his all into a job where within a week of his passing it made no difference.

Your husband sounds like he sacrificed absolutely loads, family time etc etc etc in the hopes of getting a promotion/recognition for what he was doing. He didn't get that and no he's taking it out on his family without realising that his family is the one place where any efforts he puts in will make a difference and be remembered for the rest of his children's lifetime (and likewise the lack of effort). He sounds incredibly foolish.

That's very sad indeed. And something everyone needs to remember. Most of the time, no matter what loyalty you show to your employer, they don't show it back.

From another side. DH is an auditor. He says they are always suspicious of the staff members who never take time off. It's usually because they are afraid to. And that is either because the office culture is so toxic they are terrified, or because they have their hand in the till somewhere. Either way it raises red flags big time.

And it's no wonder the OP is so down...

This. No wonder you're depressed, OP. I'd go absolutely nuclear on the fecker the second he even so much as intimated that his career failure was my fault. What an absolute shit he is.

Very unfair that he is blaming you for lack of promotion. You have every right to share your feelings with him, that is what a partnership is all about. And you have the overwhelming hard task of caring and nurturing children, that cannot be overestimated. Your husband sounds like a workaholic which isn't the same as being committed to your work. He appears overinvested in it at the expense of your marriage and family life. Please don't beat yourself up, you sound amazing

You never have a day when you just need peace? Kids need to learn that sometimes parents need space and cannot play. That is life. And it’s a perfectly ok boundary. And is definitely not abuse.

He needs to sort his priorities out!

That's usually when a thief is discovered when they're on holiday and a fresh pair of eyes has a look.

It happens to be the pattern of the dh, though. It's not a one-off.

He doesn't actually blame you.

It is a defenceman mechanism that means he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he sacrificed his entire family life for this job yet still wasn't up to a decent enough standard to get the promotion. He feels like a failure and it's easier to just blame you than accept that.

That doesn't excuse him parking his failings at your door, it's bang out of order. But I would use it as a reason to have a chat about priorities as a family, what each of your really want out of life, shared and separate goals, what the kids NEED from each of you etc. Give him space before initiating that chat, but i would say it's essential to have or his workaholic behaviour and will destroy your marriage.

I have worked with people like your husband - the inability to switch off is a huge red flag.

is he struggling to cope? Can he not put up healthy boundaries - does he manage a team. Dear love them - what an awful role model!

He needs some leadership/career counselling- maybe a mentor? It sounds like a promotion is the last thing this man could cope with. And I am sure his seniors saw that.

Oh come on 2.5 years to make even an interview for promotion. He didn’t not get the job because of you it’s him. Just because he’s never taken a day off work doesn’t mean he’s good at his job.

That’s very interesting.