Husband didn’t get promotion and blames me

[2024Mu]

Found out yesterday he didn’t get promoted. I feel really upset for him as it’s been a 2.5 year process so not something that’s happened overnight. He has spent the entire time I have known him (15 years) into his work. He has sacrificed a lot. In all the years I have known him he has NEVER once taken a day off. He even joked had the kids not been born on weekends he would not have been able to attend their births (I know he’s half serious but I’ll never find out as I went into labour with both on a weekend). No matter what is going on he puts work first. I feel disappointed for him as I know how important his work is and I know he deserved the promotion.

He hasn’t said it outright but I know he blames me. He’s very quiet with me and has been giving me silent treatment. The thing is I’ve been really struggling mentally with the kids and other stuff and I didn’t know his big Final meeting was last week when I was really stressed out. I kept telling him my non-important problems. We had a fight as I feel he ignores me. My health hasn’t been very good either so I’ve been down about that. He did once say if he hadn’t married me his life would have been exactly where he needed it to be (career wise).

sorry Voting not clear:
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YOU ARE BEING UNREASONABLE - yes it’s your fault, why stress him out during an important time
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YOU ARE NOT BEING UNREASONABLE- no it’s not your fault he didn’t get promoted.

Hi OP. My dad was a workaholic too. I think his own dad had lost his job and the family were left with no money at all and this had left him with severe trauma. He ended up at the top of his profession having left school at 16. He would never take any annual leave etc.. and he would constantly talk about how we would be left penniless if he lost his job etc.. It left me with a huge anxiety about jobs and money. My own husband is also a workaholic - very driven etc... (have realised that I married my dad !). I think he is more emotionally intelligent and does not value his job above his family and friends however. What I have learnt is that the most important things in life are your relationships and not your job. From my own work experience and seeing how big corporations are run, the best person for the job does not always get that job. Also, it is very easy to be replaced. Never make your life your job or you will always be unhappy. I would also not want to make my children believe that their self worth is tied to their job. Also, I would want my partner to put the welfare of my children and myself above the demands of a job and I would think absolutely not want to be subjected to sulking about promotions. No one is guaranteed a promotion and sometimes it is just hard cheese. We all have to take disappointment in life, learn a lesson and move on.

I guess he's the exception to that quote about how nobody on their deathbed says 'I wish I would have worked more'. When he should be wishing he hadn't neglected his family.

I hope you have other support around you x

I’m sorry that he’s wrongly talking this out on you - in no way is this your fault! Families should be loved and cherished - no use getting promotion if you’re absent from loved ones lives - what was the point in him committing to you and having a family? He doesn’t see what he truly has and he’d be an emotional pauper without you.

Is he in the legal profession? I only say this as someone who is in a LTR with a senior partner. It doesn’t get any better. It’s one of the reasons I have my ducks in a row and am counting down the days until we separate (hopefully August).

You are worth so much more 💐

You’re not a mind reader. How could you know it was his grande finale interview if he didn’t talk to you about it?

Let's face it after that amount of time he's just not cut out for it

This OP. Stop treating him like the Lord and master. He sounds like a complete pita.

I’m sorry but he is pathetic and incredibly selfish, I’d bin him .

YANBU.
I write as a man. My career has scooted along far quicker when I am single, obviously. I had fewer responsibilities. Having a wife and perhaps also kids wil slow that. Grown ups should be aware of that.

Sorry OP. You are not to blame. Your problems should be his problems especially if you are depressed.
No-one is indispensable. His company would replace him in a heartbeat so he’s deluded in thinking he’s important to them.
He needs to stop sulking like a baby and sit down with you and talk things. Hope things get better.

He probably feels shit about himself but moping around and taking it out on your family is a luxury most of us don't have. The fact that he can't be nice to his own wife and kids is very telling about his character.

You need to figure out what you want. You can't change him. He won't become a different man overnight. It's not his fault you have chosen to stay and do everything for everyone. Prioritize yourself. What can YOU change? Divorce is probably on the cards because he sounds like an arsehole who is too important to be a husband and father. You have choices to make.

That makes more sense, thanks for clarifying that point @2024Mu

it sounds like he is very insecure and lacks perspective and good judgement. None of the qualities you'd expect to see in a leadership role.

Where I work, people who habitually work during their approved annual leave do themselves no favours as regards their competence, because they aren't deemed to be "on top of their game".

In the past I've had to "have words" with someone who reported me, for working during their leave, when I definitely hadn't expected them to, nor did their role require it. They were forced to start taking proper leave, because I wasn't willing to endorse that behaviour (and potentially be accused of giving them so much work to do that they had not option but to work on holiday - completely not true but some people like to play that game).

it sounds like he could be at risk health-wise if he ever had to give up work or if his employment had to end. He's so heavily reliant on work that it could have a serious impact on his MH.

Not your fault.
Perhaps the industry your husband works in sensed that he finds it hard to clock off.
Lateral thinking can be expanded and enhanced by taking time away from the job.

He will get over it.
If I were you I would mark off many more days per year for your husband to take off and attend important milestones of your children. I would insist and even make myself unavailable so that he needs to take them.

Your husband's reality is not in the real world.
Don't forget to make a happy life for yourself.

Absolute sulking bastard. The children don't deserve this, and neither do you.

He needs some perspective PDQ about his job.

it sounds like he is very insecure and lacks perspective and good judgement. None of the qualities you'd expect to see in a leadership role. Where I work, people who habitually work during their approved annual leave do themselves no favours as regards their competence, because they aren't deemed to be "on top of their game".

Yes, this is what I thought as well.

Would love to know the job / sector your DH is in - how is it a 2.5 year assessment period? Does he have to x amount of time in different departments? A bit like an old graduate scheme?

Your DH is a fool to think never taking time off, spending less time with family, working stupid hours will gain him promotion - he sounds like he has a 1950s mentality.

Leadership requires a different skillset and thought process - seeing the bigger picture, being able to motivate the team to be productive, delivering high quality output - working like a dog shows none of these attributes.

I am hoping he realises that working like this and blaming other people will get him nowhere.

I agree with a PP that perhaps his work have noticed he's not a very well rounded person. He sounds like a complete workaholic.

I get that it's embarrassing for him, but really he should be more embarrassed about being a rubbish dad and husband.

Sounds like he desperately tries to make up for lack of ability with diligence, at least as far as work is concerned.

In no way is it your fault that he isn’t the big swinging dick he wants to be. I know a lot of people in law and finance, not really in other corporate jobs, and their employers don’t seem put off by them going to nativities etc. People generally know about their colleagues’ children and spouses. Obviously court or deal deadline situations may sometimes make attendance at school events impossible but if an employee is good, employers are happy to offer a degree of flexibility.

This is all about him taking his disappointment out on you instead of either admitting it was a stretch too far or looking for ways he can improve to secure promotion. As he’s working all hours as it is, how on earth can he reason you are the reason he didn’t get promoted? He’s a dick, just not a big swinging one. Everyone at work has probably noticed.

@2024Mu So you are pretty much a single parent with someone that lives in your house. I'm surprised he did get married given what you've said about him. You need to put yourself first as he's clearly not supportive in any way. Sending you a hug :)

Your DH needs to ask for honest feedback from his firm,, he needs to take on board what is said, and face up to whatever shortcomings come to light.

Like many PPs, his obsession with work would not recommend him to me as a positive quality. Sure, there are times in many jobs where everyone has to work like mad to meet a specific deadline, but not all the time. If someone has to work that hard it's an indication that they won't cope under the increased pressure of a more senior role.

I sympathise with his disappointment but he cannot blame you and his family for this, and neither should you.

Does he often blame you for his own failures, OP? (My ex was like that, which is why he's my ex, and your post resonated with me.)

Some people just seem to be delusional about their own capabilities, and can never accept that they have made mistakes. It always has to be someone else's fault.

If he's one of those, I'd say leave the bastard. He'll never change, and you'll be constantly on edge, dreading whatever thing is going to be your fault next. If this is a one-off, maybe some sort of relationship counselling might help, or maybe just counselling for him so that he can accept that some things will invariably not go in his favour.

No one ever sat on their death bed wishing they had spent more time in the office.

you might want to remind him of this, seeing as he sees you all as a burden to his work life.

Tell him you've never had a day off due to sickness or a pay rise. That's life!

Remind him he's a number on a spreadsheet, working all that extra time for free to line the bosses pockets. How sad!

I was in the office today and saw an email from someone who was supposed to be on annual leave. It is a negative and annoyed the project manager.

You feel overwhelmed by doing everything on your own? Then YOU go out and earn and he will stay at home and feel overwhelmed (with a washing machine, dishwasher and ready meals and a car, I presume). I am saying this as a sole breadwinner mum with a stay-at-home husband who can't work now after an operation. I demand respect, I do not allow to try and pick a fight with me, I remind them what it costs me physically and mentally to let him and my dc live in the style to which they became accustomed. It was not always like that - I used to come home from a work trip, with a suitcase, dog-tired and they used to 'dump' emotional stuff at me and other things before I even took my coat off. Problems and suchlike. In the end I just told them to appreciate and respect what they have, otherwise I stay at home and he returns to an office job after his op and dc goes to a local comp. To expect a breadwinner to come home to a fight? To sort problems which should have been sorted out by stay-at-home (work environment stress-free) parent? Seriously?

If he's a lawyer, I can also tell you this is their game. The system is a pyramid. Not everyone can rise to the top. They do a lot of carrot dangling to keep you chasing a promotion that may never come. New levels and barriers are invented at every turn, so if the promotion comes it's 5-10 years later than it should have been.

The trick is to get your own clients, move firms . Better still run your own business and take the time in life to do what you want to do rather than run yourself ragged paying for someone else's holiday home.

Irony is his work obsession is probably why he didn't get promoted... Not sure what industry he is in but once you get the more senior levels, they want someone with a life outside of work so they are more balanced leaders. It isn't setting a good example to his team if he never takes holiday and even blames his family for his lack of success - not sure he takes personal accountability the way a good leader should. No one wants that sort of old fashioned management style anymore - flexi working, remote working, younger generations entering the work place who value work-life balance etc. I think your DH is a dinosaur who needs to get a life, focus on his family and get some hobbies to really excel at work.

Well if he still doesn’t have a promotion despite devoting his life to ‘his work’ then he is a bit useless isn’t he.

How is that anything to do with you?

Maybe he is as good at work as he is at home, and that’s why he didn’t get promoted. Would you promote him at home?

God I’m so sorry and hope you get help for your mental help, did your depression happen to coincide with you living with your husband I wonder?