In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

The latter would be true but… they are already regularly doing 1 day per week and the the OP’s parents are also doing 1 day per week!

OP has been very disingenuous with her title.

It's good you have help. I can see both sides of this one.

Another vote to dose her with calpol and get her into nursery for a half day.

At lunchtime you could all take turns picking her up? She's in one and a half days a week. Presumably the half day is fine so it's just the full day that's a new issue.

If you, DH, your parents, his parents (ie four of you) take turns then it's just one afternoon in four weeks that each one of you has dc in addition to the usual arrangements.

If someone asked me to watch dc one afternoon in for Id prob not be too miffed.

Perhaps word it that way. Mum (or mil etc) could you do one half day extra every fourth week please, it's probably just two afternoons across two months, until she heals? And see what they say?

We have had bigger emergencies than this, and we just deal with it ourselves as we have never had help from either side. YABVVVU

Unfortunately you will just need to take the unpaid leave. I do think you need to look at the current childcare situation though. You could do to think about what would happen if circumstances change and your parents/FIL can no longer have your DD. It does happen, my MIL used to see my DS every week but her mum is now terminally ill and she is busy caring for her every day.

Sorry op but i agree with this as well. Our DS is in nursery several days a week and we have no family around locally. We would have to manage and you’re lucky you only need to sort out 1.5 days a week.

When my son was in a cast I was a lone parent, I took a weeks holiday, I then took the rest as unpaid leave. Unless for things like hip problems, walking on tip toes etc the nursery did not accept any children with a cast.

I’m surprised she needs calpol after two weeks, surely on the half day you just give her calpol at home as it would last long enough for her half day at nursery.

OP I said I earlier I'm against the majority here etc because you aren't off on a jolly, you are asking for a solution to a temporary problem not a permanent solution.

To all of you saying 'well I never had any help', will you be the ones refusing to help your own dc out in a time of need because you didn't have the help yourself? (I had to do it, so you can do it to mentality). I'd hope you wouldn't just because of the fact you know how difficult it is not to have support. It's not a race to the bottom.

When I have grandchildren, I'll move heaven and earth to help my dc out, because I've been in that situation when I've needed the help and it's been refused. Not only does it suck that they could help if they wanted to, it hurts that they don't what to help. It's that hurt that is hard to get over and strains relationships.

Is there anyway OP that you can give her a dose of calpol before nursery then you or your dp pop in at lunch time and give a second dose? I can't believe that nurseries are like this these days. When mine were in (many moons ago) they used to tell us to send them in if they needed calpol as they would usually perk up after a dose and be okay.

Ideally family would step in to help, honestly I would help my DD out but I wouldn’t offer regular childcare tbh so swings and roundabouts. It is really frustrating when you really really need some help but its not available.

Your in-laws do already help you with regular childcare and you’ve been lucky to have it, there are plenty of people who are utterly reliant on nursery and annual leave to get through tough times.

I know you are stressed out but you and your DH may just have to take some unpaid annual leave. Between you over 6 weeks thats 3 days each which isn’t so bad. This is temporary, it is not a permanent situation.

You’re not being unreasonable to feel the way you do - no one is ever unreasonable for having feelings and this sort of situation is stressful. It’s how you respond to and act on those feelings that counts. You might feel pissed off, but you have to design your life around the support you have available to you - kids are their parent’s responsibility and you just can’t get angry at others if their priorities lie elsewhere.
I have a 7 and 11 year old, and time out gets worse as they leave nursery .. inset days, holidays etc, shorter school days. frequent performances, sports days, open days, parents evenings … Be sure if you have both chosen jobs that can’t be done from home that you are working hours you can manage and the support you have will meet the needs you will have, or life will get far more stressful!

Can't you give her a dose of calpol before drop off and pop back at lunch for the next dose?

Of all the replies about how fortunate toy are to have so much free childcare, this is the one you respond to?

I think it’s weird a little bit if they already help, because I usually say ‘maybe they find it tough etc.’ Minding any young child is bloody hard, and add on how used you are by then to NOT having a young child, and how your body turns against you (I’m only 43 and I’m already creaky, I have arthritis and a bad back so I can’t fathom the gps I see running about after toddlers!) but yes, it is a bit mad that they haven’t jumped in if they already help. They’ve possibly been told to set boundaries by someone or something like that (I’m being serious about that!)

Hope it gets easier op, 2 is a hard enough age, and the break must have been scary

I would be uncomfortable leaving such a young child all day with any male member of the family tbh but I have worked for many decades in the justice system and note it’s always family members with unfettered access that cause the most harm.

Something feels off about demanding sleepovers and more access, simultaneously not being bothered about helping in an emergency.

It is unusual for a fil to be quite so hands on with a toddler. My own dad was useless with my DS until he got past the pre school age ! I can’t help but wonder why FIL has never worked though.

I don’t think grandparents should be expected to do childcare. Great if they offer.

Our children’s grandparents do not do any regular childcare. But will do the occasional school run, couple of hours here and there. But not often by all means.

Both our parents are separated and most remarried. So technically 4 sets of grandparents. All of which would be able to offer regular childcare. Non do. Again we shouldn’t expect it and non of them would want to do one set day a week for example.

Quite often I come across this type of discussion on mumsnet. I think what is infuriating is that a lot of the current generation of grandparents won’t and don’t want to offer a regular childcare, even if they can. Yet my parents and many of my friends parents when I was younger, expected childcare from their parents (children’s grandparents). Despite the fact my mum didn’t work most of the time my grandparents picked me up from school most days. In fact I recall a lot of grandparents on the school run. Then we would often we dropped off on the weekend for sleepovers. So our parents expected it and didn’t need it. We don’t expect it but would help out massively financially but also knowing our children are getting quality time with family.

Most of our parents had it much easier than us. A lot of families would only have needed one working parent (especially while child/children were young) and still used grandparents for regular childcare. Now most families both parents need to work, grandparents are often unwilling to help out and childcare costs a fortune.

I hope I am in a position (both health and work wise) to help out with any of my future grandchildren.

I would definitely stop pet sitting as much for the in-laws.
They should definitely be helping you out, mainly because they’re saying that they want dd more. Next time this is brought up in conversation, make sure you say no! I do not think you could ever fully rely upon them.
i hope your dd mends soon!

This is the really tough part of parenting. If something goes wrong where do you get the help from. People are right in that you are so lucky to have the help you have weekly already but I completely understand your frustration that somebody won't step in short term to help out of a right spot. I'm very envious of the existing level of support you have. I had to give up my job and take casual work because I had nobody to mind my son. Hope your daughter recovers quickly ❤️

I know they don't have to but I think it's unfair that they wouldn't look after their grandchild on a second day in a one off situation. It sounds like OP and partner are already time from work.

Yabu.

If your parents have reduced to 4 days each, surely that covers the one a d half day nursery issue?

You've got 2 days to cover the 1.5 lost?

I don't understand the ongoing issue?

Wow, I hope he sees your thread and that you see him as a lazy piss taker and stops having dd 1 x day pw.

FIL is not the piss taker here, OP.

Maybe they want to spend time with their GC and bond etc? I’d much rather do that than just pay for them to be at nursery. But each to their own.

The OP is very fortunate though that they didn’t mind doing that.

agreed. Thats so rude of her when he gives her 1 day of free childcare per week. Horrible 😳

Jesus these threads are vicious.

YANBU. Sorry you got duds for in-laws x