In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

Everything that @crenellations said (very well) and THAT is the thing you pick them up on - that "it was their choice to reduce their hours" Wow

Unbelievably entitled.

Plus your title is a lie

My Dp and my in-laws always helped out if DC not well enough to go to nursery
I couldn’t have kept working at appropriate level to gain the significant promotions I went on to achieve without their back up

It's also possible that there are things going on behind the scenes with your in-laws. My husband is currently having a health issue that he insists he doesn't want our adult child to know about because he "doesn't want them to worry prematurely".

So while from the outside it may seem like we're doing great and have loads of free time on our hands, that really isn't the case right now.

Could be that your in-laws are dealing with things that you aren't aware of.

I'd ask them why they've changed their tune from asking for more time with her to saying no to helping out.

As to why FIL has never worked - is he a lazy arse sponging off his working wife? Does he have mental health or disability issues? Is she exhausted from working to support them both and in desperate need of rest?

Do they feel very worried about the responsibility of looking after a child with an injury? Would they be capable of the effort required?

Does she really NEED the calpol? It sounds like she's had the injury for at least a week, possibly two, based on how many days off work you and your DH have already taken...she surely shouldn't be needing Calpol anymore?

I say that as a mother who has never ever used Calpol or ever given my children any painkillers. I personally think they are overused in the UK. But I also say that as someone who has broken bones! I broke bones when I was 2yrs old as well (as well as an adult), and I wasn't given any pain relief as a toddler, nor did I take any as an adult.

Really after a week or so it shouldn't really still be painful.

My child split her head open and the doctor was like "she'll need paracetamol", I asked my child if she was in pain "no", so didn't give her anything. Sometimes I think doctors just parrot off "Calpol", just for the sake of it.

Anyway, not saying this to annoy anyone, I just think that sometimes people don't actually stop and think if the child actually NEEDS it. And if she doesn't, then that solves the nursery issue.

Would you be able to vary when you work and nursery temporarily be able to change her to the same number of hours as half days, so you can give Calpol when you drop her off and when she is picked up.

I think you are incredibly lucky. I think my FIL once babysat for three hours. That was the sum total. You get a day every week from your in laws. We paid for every single hour of childcare we got. And being fair to your in laws, I have no intention of ever signing up for a day of regular childcare for any grandchildren I might be fortunate enough to have. Yes, to outings and so on but not the daily drudge of childcare on a set day. I have already done my time in the child rearing trenches.

We never had any help from family. I think MIL helped like 2 days when the kids where little and it was very clear she wasn't very happy about it (she was retired had always said she wanted to spend time with the grand children, but never actually did).

I think it's very sad when Grandparents don't seem to want to help out in an emergency. I can understand not wanting to do regular childcare, but if family needs extra help and you have the time to do it why wouldn't you. I certainly would if I could and I couldn't see myself saying no.

I can see why you feel that way. I’d be pissed off at the childcare policy, have you read their actual policies to make sure they aren’t ‘over interpreting’? And asked council perhaps how this fits in with their inclusion policies and if you shoukd be able to ask for money back?
re your in laws, be grateful you booked a childcare place even though they said not to. I’d say some gushing things about my mum and dad have been so supportive when next they ask how dd is, and be far more likely to say no to looking after their pets if it’s not convenient. ‘Oh that weekend isn’t convenient sorry, dd has … ‘ because while they don’t owe you childcare and do do one day a week, it’s still shitty to constantly pressure you for more dd time then instantly walk that back when you do need help.

Another AIBU which really means ' ill only respond positively to people who agree with me' 😂

I assume it’s been suggested but if you’re paying for 1.5 days, I assume that’s split into 1 day and a half day.
Can you dose her up work calpol (at the recommended dosage) before dropping her off and utilise the 2x 4 hours/half days (time til next dose) so you’re only losing half a day per week?

Off topic but as a general comment she should only need pain relief for a few days after breakage. Coming from experience with a number of broken bones. Try not giving it (at home) and see how she goes. Only give if she’s in pain. The cast will be uncomfortable. Check with the GP if you’ve been told it needs to be for the full period. Long term paracetamol isn’t a great idea.

Didn't you say though that MILs annual leave is the day you need the help, and she booked to go away, using her AL, which is presumably why she booked it in the first place, because she was planning on booking something. Do you expect her to go away alone and FIL stay for childcare?
In this circumstance I think it's unfair to expect her to use her AL for your childcare and not for a weekend away.

YANBU. I get it. My FIL does not work and complains he's bored. He has a gorgeous garden and a lovely house. Healthy, only just turned 60....Will do zero childcare. Won't even visit, we have to visit him. He has tons of money and TWO cars.

Meanwhile my parents are overhauling their whole lives so they can help with our son. They want to be as helpful as possible, and involved. My mum is taking an infant CPR class as she's realized toddlers are such a menace to themselves.

It's disappointing, especially as it's an emergency and temporary.

I'll never understand it. People complain they're lonely but won't do what it takes to build those relationships so they are less lonely.

Poor thing. How did she break her ankle? I thought 2 year Olds were very bendy.

I mean I’d certainly be taking any opportunity to bond with my grandkids, but not everyone is this way. Sorry. Op. Hope your darling heals xx

It is really annoying when seemingly capable grandparents don't want to help with what feels like a huge emergency in the moment. It feels like just why can't you please??!!

But at the same time, you DO sound incredibly entitled and also don't seem to REALLY understand how many people would love to have the level of support you have and what it's like not to have that, which makes it pretty hard for most of us to be super sympathetic to your whining.

You're complaining about child care being 140/week... ie, about 600/month. Ours is 2400/month for one child and that is the cheapest it has been in the 4 years we've been using childcare. My parents will help in a pinch and love spending time with my DC, but they want to travel while they can, so we have never ever had regular childcare and that's ok. They don't have to want to commit to being a childminder, which is very different than a grandparent spending regular, but not fully committed, time with a grandchild.

Neither set of grandparents would look after our DC during COVID, so for 2 years, we had absolutely 100% no back up care and our paid childcare was extremely strict about illness during that period, as were all where we live, so we had a lot of gaps to cover. It DID suck and I do wish we'd had help, but that's just the way it goes. My DB now has a DC and regularly moans when my parents won't look after my sick DN constantly, but they DO look after him several times a month with no notice, when he's a snotty mess, as do my SIL's parents. They didn't have a baby during COVID though, so have no frame of reference on what it would've been like to be in the same situation with absolutely no one willing to help.

Long way of saying, it sucks, your situation is shitty. But you have A LOT more support and WAY more affordable childcare than a lot of people (everyone I know, both UK and where we live abroad). GPs want to be involved, but committing to regular childcare IS a big commitment.

You don't really have a choice. One of you will have to take unpaid leave or annual leave. Your in laws don't have to look after her at all.
What else can you do? In laws say no, presumably your parents have said no and nursery won't take her.
I'm actually not surprised nursery won't take her and I don't think it's anything to do with Calpol. They are worried about her being hurt as toddlers aren't known for being gentle or having spacial awareness.
Hopefully your DD won't need Calpol for the whole six weeks and will be able to go back to nursery.

Op, I’m going to be one of the few who agrees with you but I come from a culture where we would do anything for our grandchildren. Wouldn’t even question it. I am saddened by the hardness of most of the posters here but that’s the way British/Western society has devolved.

I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation.

Unfortunately children do get ill. In the U.K. the working set up doesn't really accommodate that which is one reason so many women work part time.

I myself have lost a job after my twins got chicken pox one after the other and I couldn't work for a whole month because nursery wouldn't take them.

Parents who have disabled kids often can't work at all because standard childcare won't take them and they have medical appointments etc.

I understand you are trying to do the "right thing" and keep your job going at a time when your costs are really high. Your parents also work though and they've dropped a day and literally lost income to help you out. PIL also give you a day of free childcare,

People of that age can be dealing with caring for elderly parents and relatives, working themselves, doing childcare for children and may well be developing health issues that they may or may not choose to share with their children.

MIL might be even more stressed than you are if she is trying to balance work and childcare for had grandchild and elder care.

Obviously I don't know their situation in detail. Maybe I'm wrong. But it's worth considering that she might be carrying more than you are.

Theses responses are strange. It’s only temporary and the poor little mite has broken her ankle!
Id look after any of my 7 dgc in this instance.
If I had to I’d use some of my annual leave too. That’s what families do for each other.
My gran looked after me, my mum looked after mine now I look after my dgc.

Yanbu.....I'd feel the same tbh. It is an emergency, maybe speak with nursery manager, ask for a meeting re: Calpol issue. I think some grandparents can be selfish and harsh...... especially when the majority of them had free childcare from their families when their dc were younger. I was always at grandparents houses being watched while parents working

my in laws announced they wouldn’t do childcare as they want to enjoy their retirement with no ties or regular commitments and they’d done there bit raising kids
we hadn’t asked but they wanted us to know so we could plan for when mat leave finished

BUT they would never see us stuck in emergency or sickness situation
which was absolutely brilliant of them

I do think it’s a bit shit of them as it is a bit of a one off and emergency rather than regularly relying on them

Bit off topic but I really do think nurseries should be consistent in their "rules". Why does my nursery allow Calpol but yours doesn't? It can't be a requirement laid down by any external body in that case. I have to take mine out for 48hrs if she vomits yet I know of other places who say 24hrs - why? And always paid regardless of whether they're there or not!

Just because your father in law doesn't work, which is nothing to do with you. You seem to have this high and almighty attitude like he's got nothing else better to do and he owes it to you. If you were my daughter in law I'd be fucked if I'd help you either with your attitude. No one in this world owes you anything. Be grateful for the help they give you which they don't have to. Looks like it's a few weeks of being skint and making it up in overtime when your child is better.