In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

Sounds like your in-laws already do more than most by having your DD one day a week. To be honest if my in-laws had done that I would be eternally grateful and not expecting more. You do have alot of support tbh and unfortunately children and working will often be a juggle and inconvenient. If you increased your nursery days then you could save your parenting/in law favours for emergencies.

Your FIL has never worked? That’s incredible. It gives an insight into what’s going on with him and his approach to helping you out.

He wants to do it on his terms and will see your request as a demand. That explains what feels like mixed messages, to you. You’re thinking, “Why’s he refusing to look after my child when he’s asked to see her more?”
He’s thinking that he would love to see his grandchild more whilst also resisting demands from you. He’s not seeing any inconsistency, but you are.

Should they help? It’s entirely up to them. I wouldn’t use anything they’ve previously said as evidence that they need to give you extra help. Imagine they didn’t exist at all. What would you do then?

Sorry - should have said his “perceived” demands. Clearly you’re not demanding this.

This isn't just about women, it's about family. My mum (and dad) helps me but has plenty of time for her as well. It's not an either/or. I'm not asking her for help everyday or even every week but she wants to support me as I am her child. This is the reality of having a family surely? Why even have a family if you don't love and support one another? It doesn't end when your kids are 18.

How many days since she broke the ankle? She shouldn’t need calpol for a more than a week or so, my son broke his leg at 3 and after the first few days he was fine and shuffling about on his bum. I’d try without calpol and see how she is, that would solve your whole problem.

Being stressed isn’t a good enough reason for the tone of your posts from the thread title you chose which is a lie to agreeing with a post calling your FIL a lazy piss taker, quite extraordinary.

Can't you dose her up on Neurofen (which seem to last longer for pain relief with mine) and once its worn off collect her - that should buy you 6 ish hours and then one of you collect her if she complains about the pain?

Sorry but I think your being entitled. It's part and parcel of being a parent that you have to take time of to care for your kids. However I do understand it's difficult at times. Do you think they might be more willing if you compromised say for example they have her in the morning then give her Calpol and put her to nursery in the afternoon?

I think it is a bit mean spirited not to help while she recovers from a broken ankle to be honest. It's not going to be long term support you need.

Our family and both sons girlfriends families pull together when there is an emergency. We discuss between us who can do what between us.

It's easier to share the load between two families
A broken ankle is a temporary problem.

I remember one of mine broke their leg and was in a cast for weeks at preschool-they didn’t need Calpol beyond the first few days. When did the break happen? Are you giving it every 4 hours morning and night?

I’d be definitely trying to decrease the amount given.

Well, I'd do it for one day, assuming I was not doing anything else. My DDiL looks after her DGC (my DSGGCs) every week, most week-ends (parents have some unsocial hours and are divorced) and is happy to, never asks me, though since late DH died I have gone round occasionally (but more for my benefit). I have occasionally looked after DGC and would in an emergency. OP's in-laws seem to deliberately booked something so they can't that day but maybe they are fed up? But why can't the nursery do the calpol?

Entitled or a liar? 🤔

@Iwasafool I absolutely agree and from what I can see around me and on mn thankfully my situation is quite rare. On one side I have totally incompetent in-laws who actually could cause problems so not remotely helpful and my side who have never and will never help practically. No one knows more than us that this is an unlucky situation support-wise.
The title is “my inlaws won’t help with childcare” when they do , every week.
They won’t help in this emergency which is odd but maybe they are getting tired and trying to put boundaries in place and getting concerned about having to commit to more. It’s a massive juggle for parents like us and now thanks to wfh and our kids being older it’s easier but it baffles me that someone would slag off people who give them so much help online and the op does in this thread. Constantly referring to how her fil doesn’t work , implying he’s lazy. Also wfh with a toddler in the house is really hard so I can imagine that’s hard for mil. But no I don’t want people to experience what we do and thankfully rarely come across it and health permitting I’ll be there for my dcs as I know what it’s like to have zero support.

I agree there's a weird complex thing on MN about asking family to help out with anything - but actually on this occasion, as her parents and ILs are already helping out loads with her DD and have given up their own work to do it, I do think she's being a bit entitled. Why can't she just use some of her own annual leave?

A broken ankle is a temporary problem.

The reality is that children are usually 18 years worth of temporary problems. A broken ankle now, a stomach bug in a few months time, nursery closed due to staff shortages next year, school holidays and inset days for years into the future. Multiplied several times if OP has more children. I can understand why grandparents who are already committed to a day every week of childcare don’t want to set a precedent of being the fallback when DC is ill / the parents don’t want to take unpaid leave - particularly since the grandparents already work themselves and this is MIL’s likely much looked forward to annual leave she’d be sacrificing.

You really need to tackle the nursery re their calpol policy as that is your problem not your in-laws who are already doing you a massive favour. My nursery was always happy to administer calpol- in your case it’s clearly not masking a fever. My child broke her leg and she was back in nursery 2 days later. I wouldn’t have put up with any nonsense about them not taking her. School won’t administer but happy for children to self-administer if you leave stuff in the office.

@ComtesseDeSpair 💯, my dcs are older and all in primary/secondary and holidays are longer, days shorter, they still get sick, there are 3 of the them not 1…. Juggle and juggle!

As someone who has never had a single hour of childcare from either set of grandparents, I would have to say YABU.

To be fair, in some ways it's easier for me knowing I will never have any help, as I always have the certainty of knowing I will have to pay for childcare. I can understand why you're frustrated.

I think breaks do vary and I know when I broke a bone in a joint, in my case my shoulder, the Consultant said it was a more painful break than some others. I've also broken my ankle and recovered well but had a much more minor break in my foot which still gives me pretty constant pain 3 years later.

I know more than I want to about recovering from broken bones.

Some people get no help with childcare at all. And you are getting a lot of help already. Yes maybe they could do more in this case. But they don't want to. Up to you whether you are grateful for the help you get already or are cross that they won't do more.

I work in a boarding school, our matron now can't give Calpol / paracetamol and she's an RN - it started before Covid, about 2015, its bonkers.

Unpaid leave I’m afraid - like a lot of people who have to. I get NO help at all from anyone so it’s just me and husband. Sorry for situation - but you do sound like a brat and entitled. Hope your daughter feels better soon - my daughter had her leg broken two summers ago and I feel your pain.

Entitled vote here

@PropertyManager that's horrendous. How do these students get help if they have period pains or a headache?

Though in hindsight I kept my own illicit stash of painkillers and antihistamines from quite young as a boarder. This sort of ridiculous rule just encourages students to take matters into their own hands and makes them less safe.

It's a shame the nursery haven't been a bit more flexible in this case with their policy. In most circumstances the policy makes sense, but in this circumstance it doesn't, child isn't unwell so need to send home. I'm a childminder and would absolutely be fine to administer Calpol and keep the child for the rest of the day in these circumstances. Some nurseries can be a bit rigid in their rules whereas a childminder is usually a bit more flexible.