In laws won’t help with childcare.

[WhatsMyUsername89]

Can’t work out if I’m sounding like an entitled little cow or if I’m actually in the right.

DC is 2 years old & has recently broken her ankle.

current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.

due to this ankle break nursery have said she can come in, but only if she’s not requiring regular Calpol. She’s absolutely fine, but is still needing some Calpol & is fine once she’s had the Calpol.

my parents work but have reduced to 4 days per week to have DD one day.

Father in law doesn’t work, never has & mother in law WFH. So when they have DD MIL is working upstairs & FIL is with DD.

We are struggling with childcare but in laws have made it very clear they don’t want to help out. MIL is on leave this week; & has said “ we’re going XYZ on Fridays” (day DD is in nursery).

i asked if they could help out with childcare and they said “well I guess we don’t have a choice.” But then 2hrs later said they had instead decided to book something so couldn’t.

myself & DH have had quite a bit of time off juggling this ankle break.

I understand that DD isn’t in laws responsibility but I just feel pissed off they won’t help. It’s not for bloody ever!!!!

OP, you are luckier than you know.
We had exactly one day's help with our DC from birth-18 from the three surviving GPs. One didn't give a shit (and lived miles away, thank God), and the other two lived at a distance and both worked.

@bellezarara this x 1000000
I actually can’t believe the title “ in-laws won’t help with childcare” when they do massively every week!!
As someone who hasn’t had even 1 second of help in 13 years ( and I was relatively young having kids and we don’t live that far away and I’ve loads of family). 3 kids , 3 under 6 at one point - never got any support whatsoever, if I was sick , dental appointments etc etc , on our own .
We aren’t martyrs, it is what it is , our families don’t / didn’t want to help and that’s their choice . In fact my in-laws are a) fil an alcoholic and b) mil with mental health issues so yeahhh! My family just don’t want to help and never will.
I thank God my dcs are older and we’ve somehow managed to keep our jobs and thankfully we have good careers as we’ve have no financial help etc .
Im going on but I honestly believe people like @WhatsMyUsername89 no idea what it’s like for parents who have zero support. It’s such a huge privilege especially with working , I can’t even imagine how much easier it must be for work and that’s for one small child but even in the juggle that is school !
We adore our children and are proud to have done it alone but there’s a world or difference between those who have help and those who don’t as is so clear with this thread .

Your situation is temporarily difficult but YaBVU for being upset with your in laws. They already help out regularly which you should be grateful for. Understand you’re stressed but actually it’s your child and u fortunately you have to figure it out . If they were willing to help then fine, but they are not/can’t/won’t

YANBU I can't see why FIL can't help out in this unexpected situation. It's a one off sort of thing. Especially if he normally says he wants to have her more. Then to say they'll do it but book something else for that day and cancel.

My mum lives a 3hr drive away (also works 5 days) and my ILs are well into their 70s so we don't get help but I do think in that situation ILs would try and work with us. My DS is a similar age.

The calpol thing is ridiculous though! Ours had some annoying policies but not that one. She probably won't need calpol for 6 weeks though

I suppose everybodys response will be coloured by their own experiences. Nobody helped me at all. They didn't live close and never bothered bonding with the kids. The one time they did have them for 48 hours, they stuck them in a play scheme.
Bye bye, my career, my mental health.

Any help is better than nothing.

So let me ask you something, at what point in their lives can women have a bit of time for themselves? They go from raising their children, working full time, to then taking on the grandkids, when is their time to prioritise things they want to do?

I was on your side OP, until @FellowshipOfTheBing post ….

Years ago I was in exactly your position and my lovely mother (RIP) looked after my 2 year old without a second thought. Families help each other particularly in an emergency like this, it isn't something you can plan for. I think it is sad they don't want to help their son and his family. Do you think it is because it is MILs holiday? Might he help next week? Could your husband have a frank discussion with them about the implications for your family? I hope you can work something out.

As an aside with my little one (now very much not a little one) his ankle was weak when the cast came off, regular swimming really helped with his recovery.

Most people manage to do things for themselves as well as work full time, helping with grandchildren etc. Its not an either-or situation.

In this case the OP is asking a man not a woman for some help.

OP there are many of us with zero help from grandparents. I think you have to count yourself lucky with the help you do get.
Yes grandparents should want to see their grandchildren and should want to help but it seems rare in the current generation of grandparents, you might need to keep that in mind.

The issue here is the nursery, not your in-laws.

OP once you're past this crisis and things have calmed down, it's worth thinking about any changes you can make to ease things in future. Whether that's because of child illness, grandparent illness (it's frightening how quickly things can change tbh and for one of our parents they were only in their 60s when that happened), nursery closures etc.

That might be one of you changing to a more flexible job - invaluable once you have DC at school. Also I know things are probably tight, but the grandparents are saving you about 9.5k a year in childcare fees, so well worth scrimping some of that into a rainy day fund.

Your DD is only two, you have years of this yet to go (hopefully no more broken ankles!), and if you have another baby the sick days to cover double.

The OPs ILs could help and say they want to help so it isn't anything like your situation and we don't have to aim for everyone to get the minimum/nothing.

Of course nursery would charge.

I think you're getting a really hard time here OP. Of course you're allowed to feel upset / put out that your in laws, who keep saying they want more time with DD, won't help out when you're struggling with childcare due to your 2 year old having a broken leg. This isn't a usual " my in laws won't look after my child", this is a temporary problem for quite a short time. Yes, they are under no obligation to look after DD, yes, MIL has booked AL so she doesn't want to but still, family is family and you're supposed to help out when your family is in need. This is coming from someone with no family and no help so it's not a privileged position or anything. I'm sorry you're in this position and I do hope you manage to figure it out. It may be worth trying DD with Calpol just before she goes to nursery and seeing how she does, she might be distracted enough later in the day to manage or they call you to pick her up, either way I think it could be worth a shot. Good luck OP!

If they never helped it would be different. They do a day a week and two year olds are hard work!
We never had family nearby and we managed with two little ones. Sometimes one of us had to take a day off work.

Your not BU for being annoyed with your ILs especially your FIL who doesnt work and keeps saying he wants to spend more time with your DD then not happily helping you when you really do need it. Thats what would annoy me the most tbh. Theres nothing wrong with needing some extra support every now and then and it sucks for so many others that dont get any from grandparents as I do think families should be there for eachother in this way. Your nursery are a bit odd though surely they can give one dose to your DD in the afternoon if you give her a dose before nursery? That should be enough to get her through the day.

I think you’re very lucky. I work and haven’t had any help with childcare. Have paid for nursery and wraparound care since they turned 1. My parents also need lots of help from me, so some evenings and weekends I also help care for them. I’m a single Mum with multiple autoimmune conditions and I’d give anything to have some childcare help from family.

Sorry - your children, your responsibility.

You are very lucky to have the childcare you do. We had the odd evening out when DD was growing up, only time we asked someone to have her in an emergency was because I needed urgent medical care and DH wasn't contactable - in fact, MIL was coming to see me and ended up having to help me get medical support, being left with DD for two hours until DH returned.

You could argue it works the other way - ILs will probably need support in their old age, so if at that point you've got other things you want/need to do, you can limit your time to the equivalent of one day a week!

Ew fucking gross OP using a public forum to bash your Father in Law like that. Disgusting.

I think you can't expect them to watch her extra, however I would assume my parents or in laws would temporarily for me - so it's okay to be disappointed but also you cannot expect it of them.

The calpol rule is so annoying, but for posters still confused it's because it's used to mask a temperature - so even if it's used for other obvious reasons, because it could mask a temp which could be something that spreads they send you home.

Hope she's on the mend soon op x

I'm genuinely not being arsey but I don't understand the problem so I'm asking a question:

• current childcare arrangement is 1 day my DP, 1 day in laws & 1.5 day nursery.
• your parents do 1 day.

That's 4.5 days of childcare. 3 without any nursery.

What do you normally do for cover the rest of the time? Is there another adult?

By way of solutions, i would try in this order

• talk to employers: flexible working/shift swaps/early late finishes.
• Consider a cheap teen babysitter to supervise dd while she watches tv. Minimal supervision needed hy teen and if perectly safe if combined with an adult wfh
• Ask a friend to host a playdate at your home to reduce the time needed off from work
• borrow money from family to cover your unpaid leave
• sell things/cancel holiday plans/cut backs

-carefully consider whether you can put some things loke food shopss on a new credit card with 6 months free interest to reduce overall outgoings and some short term relief

• talk to bank about extending your overdraft

last resorts:

• consider a loan
• mortgage holiday

She should be ok for 4 hours in you dose her up before you drop her off. Could you aim to do a half day, then collect her? Also, can the staff question the policy? It is for pain relief, not to bring down a fever.