To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

I feel you, I'm exactly the same and yes, it is easier for me! I work full time and have them and frequently have them on his weekends too. However, if you'd built your life around 50/50 and your survival based around that (paying the bills etc.) and got no CMS because of that then you may feel slightly more desperate.

I agree. I wonder if they'd be happy with themselves viewed as 'no more than a neighbour' when the SC exclude them from major life events or would be happy to leave their DHs home if he was the owner straight away if DH died as they are 'not the SCs problem'.

I feel like some posters are just conveniently glossing over the fact that I also have things like a job.

Why should the expectation be that I, someone who is not a parent to these DC, lose income/take time off but not their own mother?

If they were your own DC, you'd have to look after them while the dad was in hospital

The irony of saying this in defense of a woman who indeed will not look after her own DC while their dad is in hospital...

As PPs have said, I have networks open to me for my own children that I simply don't have for DSC. I am sourcing the appropriate care for my children during an emergency situation. She should do the same. It's called parenting surely? It's not always going to fit into some allotted time.

Anyway, I'm ignoring any further requests now and just aending her updates on DH for the DC. I will offer to take them with me to visit in the evenings this week.

And I'll be reminding DH of this the next time she wants him to have them outside of "his time".

Not taking on a parental role/the role of a childcare provider isn’t the same thing as having no involvement.

but yes, a parent, being the one responsible for their children, isn’t really in the position to assume a prospective stepparent would be willing to take on a parental role. If they want that it’s on them to make it clear from the beginning, and not marry someone that isn’t going to assume that role.

Ime the strife I see detailed in threads on here usually is because of stepparent is being pressured to take them on as their own.

Why would a stepmother have to leave their home straight away? Quite the assumption that it wouldn’t be bequeathed to her.

“If they were your own DC, you'd have to look after them while the dad was in hospital.”

Yes, like the mother of OP’s stepchildren has to look after her own children, as OP is looking after hers.

But they're not the OPs own DC. I didn't read past that.

Quite the assumption that a DH would give a house to someone who states that his dependants are 'not their problem'. It happens all the time.

I think YABU OP. It is your partners job, the children's father to arrange childcare when he is ill. My children's father does this to me whenever he is ill and will last minute cancel his time with the kids. The problem with that is he is using me as emergency childcare whilst I cannot use him for emergency childcare. If I am ill or have been in hospital for treatment or anything like that I rely on my family for childcare. For him to rely on me assumes that I am the one who is actually responsible for the kids and its optional for him to have them almost like it's a favour that when he is ill he can get out of. You must know as a mother you can not hand your kids over to someone else when your ill. You still need to look after them. I understand if it's a long term serious illness then arrangements can be made and you can change the contact schedule but think about it from the perspective of their mum. She probably makes plans around the time when her kids are not with her. Should she cancel her plans because their dad is ill. Would it be reciprocated would your partner and you cancel your household's plans because she is ill. As I said long term illness is one thing but short term illnesses their dad has to work out what he will do. Maybe he should rely on his family if you are unwilling to do it. But alot of men don't want to ask their family for favours and when the mum is available but the mum can not ask the dad for favours and instead has to rely on her family. Why aren't you moaning about your partners parents the kids grandparents or aunties and uncles looking after them when he is ill. But again it would probably make you look bad to ask them but it's easier to expect mum to give up her time.

I've already acknowledged that it would be really helpful for the mum to have them if she can, but yes, I do think in these scenarios that stepmums, and also stepdads, might need to temporarily provide care
This is all back to front.
It would be helpful if OP had them, lovely for their DM in fact.
The ex wouldn't be "helping" by looking after her own DC. She'd be parenting them.
And anyway she can't as she has her own you DC in emergency care, her own job and a sick husband to juggle.

Not really - if they’ve remained married to a person knowing well that they don’t consider his children to be their responsibility then it isn’t a stretch to think they didn’t take issue with that.

Leaving the property you have lived in with your spouse directly to your children isn’t as common as leaving it to said spouse. Houses most commonly become marital property as well, so it would be their house.

The father is incapacitated, so yes, it falls onto the mother. His family is no more obliged to step in than OP is. Their mother however, by virtue of being their mother, is. OP is busy enough caring for her own children, as she too is having to juggle that falling entirely upon her.

That it’s inconvenient to the mother isn’t OP’s problem to solve. She’s got her own to deal with.

How old are the dc?

Totally disagree. I didn't do much childcare for my DSC. When they were here, their Dad did almost all of the parenting. Their mum parented them when they were with her. I was available for emergency childcare only when Dad wasn't here. My DSC and I have a great relationship. They're teenagers now and chose to come independently and stay as and when they wish. No dramas, no fall outs.

Why are some people using such dramatic and over the top language on this thread? I think it's a bit shit to treat children like an unwanted intruder in your life Really? Just because a step-mother says no to childcare of stepchildren?

No one else in society is expected to provide free childcare at the drop of a hat, even if your DH is in hospital, except step-mothers. It's outrageous. Grandparents are told on here all the time "no one is owed free child-care"...

@Chillpill22 I appreciate what your saying, but in this case, it sounds as if the DH has helped his ex out before during “her time” but now she won’t reciprocate in an genuine emergency.

The OP is also working and has had to ask other ppl to look after her own children during this emergency. It doesn’t sound as if she’s available to step in. She can’t do anything and the Dad is presumably too ill to make arrangements.

It would depend on the lenth of the marriage and the age of the DC. I personally know of two married step mothers that lost their homes.

Fucking hell. Because they're YOUR children and their other parent can't parent them. The other parent is in hospital. That's why.

And the will. I worked in this field, and ime it was more common than not that the house was bequeathed to the spouse.

Another one who needs corrected. This is getting tedious. I said the DSC are no more MINE than the kids next door. Tell me why that's factually and biologically incorrect. Everyone else who has wrongly quoted me has refused to answer me. Go on, what bit of that is wrong. Also, what bit of that implies I don't care about them?

Morally, not legally. You willingly chose to marry a man with children. Hence the term 'step mum' rather than 'Dad's current partner'.

It happens far more often the other way round. Plus, you find the men often move on to women who are far more established financially (due to life stage at the time of meeting more than anything else) and it's becoming far more common for those women to keep everything she already has accrued locked down and making sure wills and whatnot are airtight. I know of two women who have done so recently. We are becoming more savvy legally and waking up to being taken advantage of financially, especially when we have our own children to think about and thank god for it. Women are more proactive in protecting themselves too. I think more men bury their heads in the sand. Its very old fashioned to think that the man holds all the cards financially in a blended family.

and a man chose to marry someone that wasn’t the mother of his eldest children 🤷🏻‍♀️

’Morally’ - lol.

FWIW my only skin in the game is as a child of a second marriage. I see how my mum treated my lovely older brother and as an adult it shapes my view of her.