To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

If he is physically able to make other arrangements - if he can use his phone to call either alternative childcare or the childs mother then he should be doing so. If he is incapacitated so far as unable to do anything then the mum should automatically be having the kids. Either way making arrangements should not fall on OP.

@Thursdaygirl I've been at both sides of this.
Blue lighted into hospital. Admissions paperwork included did I have children and/or pets, was there anything arranged for looking after them. Had I said no, the kids would have been collected from school and provided with emergency foster care.
Have had children in school where I worked need to stay behind until emergency foster carer arrived to collect them. Mum was deployed overseas, dad emergency admission to hospital. Family members not local so couldn't step in without a long journey.
I don't know if this happens everywhere, but I'm glad there are systems in place to support families in this sort of situation.

I understand that and I would be the same but flexibility isn't going to pay mums bills is it? If she has to take unpaid leave from work that might make the difference between being able to feed her children or not. I am not saying it's the step mums job to parent the children but if she's 'harassing' the OP maybe she's desperate.

Perhaps dad can offer some money when he's better OP?

I didn't state or suggest you were harassing anyone.
OP has said that he ex has been pestering her and that's what I was referring to.
The man has been hospitalised and the healthy parents of all children involved need to sort themselves out. The ex is in exactly the same position as OP. The father of her children is currently unable to do his share of parenting.
I'd suggest that the petty jealousy is coming from the sort of people who insist that your children are only your responsibility according to a schedule.

I bet there is a direct correlation between some of the entitled parents and the ones who expect their child free colleugues to work every Christmas because "Christmas magic"

No, but the way " biology " is being thrown around it's hard not to notice how much that seems to matter to some people.

Yes, marriage is a legally binding contract. Two people joining their lives together. If kids are involved then yes, those kids should matter more than the neighbours kids.

I personally would take my son. He's usually with me anyways. I don't know the moms reasons not to. I think it's disappointing she won't help. Co-parenting should be collaborative.

I will never blend families with someone while ds lives at home because of these issues though.

I would never invite someone into my home who sees their responsibility to my son as equal to the neighbours kids.

If you join our family, we are a family. Family means something to me. I didn't have any growing up.

Those poor children must be having rubbish half-term. They’ll be upset that their Dad’s ill in hospital, their Mum is complaining that she has to look after them-when what they really need is plenty of hugs and reassurance that their Dad will be OK.

It’s probably opened their eyes to how their Mum really feels about them.

Another one who is having trouble with reality and facts. Where in any of my many posts did I say what you're saying?

I would never invite someone into my home who sees their responsibility to my son as equal to the neighbours kids

My comment actually was My stepkids are no more mine that the kids next door are This is factually and biologically correct. You're another one who is glossing over the facts of I provided emergency childcare, was on board for full time living with us and now have a good relationship with them, as I always did.

And would any woman worth her salt do the same to a man who didn't take responsibility for her children and/or their children in a time of need/crisis?

I'm so sorry to read this, it sounds absolutely awful for you. Your children's father sounds ghastly. I hope you are well now, you say "when I'm gone" as if you are expecting it to be sooner rather than later.

That’s awful, @moosel, it really shows how he feels about his children, doesn’t it. 💐

I think the problem here is that we don't know why the mother is asking OP to take the DC.

If it's just because it's "his time" then I agree, it's a bit shitty.

But if she has other responsibilities, like work, that she can't rearrange then I don't really see the issue.

I also don't understand step-parents - of either sex - who don't seem to have much of a relationship with the children, especially when they have them in their home 50% of the week, as is the case here.

Having been both the step-parent and the step-child, I just don't get the mentality of "not my kids, not my problem" that some step-parents have. While I agree the responsibility lays primarily with the actual parents, I think step-parents do have a supplementary role to play as they're part of the family unit. More akin to a much-loved uncle or aunt, not the primary care-giver but someone who could and would willingly help out and has a good relationship with the child.

I can imagine with her DH in hospital, it would be much easier for the OP to have as few DC as possible to look after and organise, so I completely understand why she'd want the mum to have them. But what I don't understand is the whole attitude of "they're nothing to do with me" which seems to emanate from her posts.

I know many on MN will disagree but I think when you create a blended family then you acquire extra responsibilities. That applies to either sex. You don't become an extra parent, but you do need to pull together as a family unit and that might mean sometimes needing to step up. Male or female. No difference.

But in this case, I also suspect there's a whole back story here that we're not getting.

Yes.

I would expect my ex to take ds, but I expect my partner to be willing to help.

My partner showed up for me and ds each time DS has been hospitalized.

I think OP is valid in her feelings and the Mum should help.

I'm just sad about some of the attitudes towards stepkids on here, not Ops.

I would never invite someone into my home who sees their responsibility to my son as equal to the neighbours kids.

Well that's a pointless thing to say on a step parenting thread isn't it? Do you invite your neighbours children to live with you 50/50 or every other weekend and a midweek? If so, you are quite the neighbour.
Now, surely you wouldn't expect to bring someone into your home and them to have just as much responsibility for your child as you, would you? That would be quite the ask and incredibly entitled.
If you were co parenting and you expected your ex's new partner/wife to have just as much responsibility for your child as you do then that would be very odd, and would be more likely down to a need you had to control the other household as much as possible. Which, as I've said before would be bloody tragic.

Having been both the step-parent and the step-child, I just don't get the mentality of "not my kids, not my problem" that some step-parents have

Because then people end up in the OPs situation of being expected to look after step-kids even when your DH is in hospital. Step-mums need to have boundaries but apparently we're not allowed to.

Well no, stepparents don’t in fact have to take on that responsibility at all. If a parent wants a partner willing to do that then it’s on them to not start a relationship with someone that doesn’t share that opinion.

The mother having other responsibilities is not OP’s problem. As difficult at it may be for the mother, she is the parent and it falls on her if the father is incapacitated.

@MotherofChaosandDestruction The thing is I work full time and looked after my ds full time apart from ex's 6 hours on a Sunday.

If I thought ds would not have missed his dad, I'd gladly have looked after him 24/7/365 and worked full time. It can be done. I learnt not to rely on my ex for anything, a very long time ago.

In fact it's easier when he isn't around because then he can't let anyone down. 🙄

If they were your own DC, you'd have to look after them while the dad was in hospital.

The OP has the DC 50/50 - they're not just coming round for a weekend once a fortnight. That means that it's their actual home, not just infrequent visitation.

IMO, you treat stepchildren in this situation the same way that you'd treat your own DC. You don't shut them out when times are tough, in the same way that you wouldn't shut your own kids out.

I get that you don't have the same feelings for them as your own biological DC, but it's not right to make them feel unwanted, or as if they're not welcome in their own home.

I've already acknowledged that it would be really helpful for the mum to have them if she can, but yes, I do think in these scenarios that stepmums, and also stepdads, might need to temporarily provide care.

It's not about not having boundaries. It's about the dynamics of a blended family. Blended families are hard work, but if you're going to do it, then I think it's pretty shitty to wash your hands of the kids as soon as your partner isn't there.

I'm probably lucky as I know lots of blended families, with the step-parents really engaged with their step kids. And I'm lucky to be part of that same kind of set-up.

I guess there might be people out there who make it clear that they don't want their partner to have any involvement with their children. Even after they marry and have their own children together.

It's a bizarre situation where you could have children living under your roof 50% of the time but effectively view them as nothing to do with you. I don't think that's a healthy balance for anyone and is just storing up trouble for when they're teens and adults.

As I said earlier, all of the stepfamilies that I know, and the step-relationships that I've had haven't been like this at all, and I'm grateful for that.

Unless there's some huge backstory or serious issues, I think it's a bit shit to treat children like an unwanted intruder in your life.

I do appreciate though that the hands off approach may work for some families. Judging by the posts on here though it seems to cause more strife tbh.

@SpidersAreShitheads

In circumstances where a parent has been hospitalised, as it is here, most children would want to be with their other parent for reassurance and comfort.

If my husband was hospitalised, I would expect my step children to be with their mother and depending on severity of the situation, would look to my own support network to help with my child.

So you think it would be reasonable if your dh was seriously unwell in hospital, to be expected to deal with that- visiting, making decisions, taking in supplies etc…

and manage your own kids, find someone to help out with them, maybe your own parents or a school mum. Your own dc you have more options for family help.

And manage someone else’s kids, when you don’t have a support network for them- you won’t have the option of mum’s family, and really you don’t have PR so it’s not your place to be asking people they may barely know to have them. and the only reason their mum won’t have them is because “it’s not her turn”.

if you were mum and step mum handed your child to someone you didn’t know, and your kids didn’t know, because she needed to deal with dh in hospital, you’d be ok with that?

it’s a bit ridiculous to expect anyone to deal with that and not give a shit.

If parents are split and the parent whose rightful custody time it is falls sick, it should be on them to arrange alternative childcare I think. Why should the other parent have to potentially take time off work/miss out on pay?

Not necessarily. My ex would often expect me to have the dc if he was ill/work commitments/go out with friends/a date or anything that meant he couldn't have the dc. I ended up saying to him that if he couldn't look after his own dc and it was during his time it was his responsibility to make sure he had a support structure in place for these eventualities. I would of course stepped in if he was seriously ill. But some people use their ex's as childcare that they don't have to pay for

I don't agree. I don't think it's automatically the ill parents partner's job to take care of the children but I do think it's up to the ill parent to source the childcare or parent themselves whilst ill (depending on the severity of course).

First refusal should go to the non-ill parent, but if they have plans or something then it's not on them to rearrange if they don't want to or can't.

If it’s a hospital thing like this is, I’d expect the mum to want to take their kids but it’s not always practical. I’d be really sad if my kids long time stepmum (as opposed to dad’s new girlfriend) wasn't willing to look after them for a few days while their dad was ill though. When you’ve blended families or started having kids together, you should feel a level of responsibility for the step kids rather than shoving them back to mum the second your husband isn’t around.

because that’s what you do when your child’s other parent is in hospital, whether you’re together or not.

how is he supposed to organise childcare while in hospital with breathing difficulties?

taking time off in emergencies is part of being a parent.