To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

"Stepmum" isn't an official title or a job role. Plenty of people don't call their parent's spouse "step-". Mine is just "Dad's wife".

The fact is, marrying someone with children doesn't actually mean anything with regard to those children. They're just your spouse's children. It has to be decided between you, your spouse, and those children what kind of relationship you will have with them. There is no default role.

No their attitude doesn’t ‘stink’ they are correct in that statement.

Also I don’t think they need or want your help to be honest! 🤣

Step parent threads always go this way because so many PP project their own bitterness or resentment towards either an ex or a step parent themselves.

It’s not helpful and it’s not relevant OP just ignore them.

Oh I assume that's to me. Children don't belong to people 'morally', that's utter nonsense. I'll ask you again what part of this is so wrong?

My stepkids are no more mine that the kids next door are

No one who has wrongly quoted me has explained why it's 'wrong' when asked to clarify.

They are members of your family, you presumably live with them. How are they in any way comparable to the kids next door?

FFS. Legally and biologically they are no more mine than next doors kids. You've still not told me what part of that is wrong. Are you saying they ARE mine? Can I go for custody if me and DH split? What rights do I have regarding my DSC. Fill me in please.

I can't find the PP who quoted me as snippets of my previous comment have been mentioned by a few.

But I think fundamentally it comes down to the fact that I view stepchildren as members of my family unit. And I think they warrant the same treatment as biological children.

I've said, twice now, that of course it would be preferable if they could stay with their mum. I'm sure they're probably prefer that too (we don't actually know that but it's a very reasonable assumption).

But if for any reason that wasn't actually possible, I don't think it's a strange request for the step-parent to look after the children in the father's absence. It's his contact time, I think it's perfectly reasonable for the step-parent to pick up the care - because it's a blended family and I believe quite strongly that's the right dynamic. Obviously a subjective opinion but one that is very heartfelt for me.

I completely accept that it would be difficult because he is in hospital and OP has enough to be thinking about. Hence why I said it would be preferable for the mum to have them. But unless I've missed a post from OP we know nothing about her reasons or her circumstances.

Presumably OP and DH would have been having the children anyway, so surely nothing would actually need to change if she had them? Unless OP is completely hands off and has nothing to do with the stepchildren at all? Which might well be the case but for these children who live there 50% of the time, I think that would be really sad.

I also think if a woman posted on here that her ex was ill and was expecting her to look after the DC during his contact time, and that she had no childcare and needed to work, the answers here would be very, very different. I think women can be wonderful in looking out for each other because we do get a shitty deal in society, as a whole. But I also think that sometimes skews our perspective. I find MN tends to be very protective of step mums and encourages a hands off approach - but that doesn't mirror any of the dynamics of blended families that I have experience of in real life. It would be really interesting to see what the responses would have been if the mum had posted - I very much suspect she would have received a lot of support and understanding, and people would be saying the childcare is up to the ex to sort out.

As I said above, to me stepchildren are part of my family unit, and I wouldn't be with a long-term partner who didn't view them in the same way. Especially when those children are in the home 50% of the time as is the case with the OP here.

I am guessing the PP who are saying the OP should wash her hands of this issue don't view stepchildren as part of the family unit. And that's fine, but that wouldn't ever sit right with me - hence the difference in opinion. Because you wouldn't treat your own DC that way, and personally I don't think there should be a differential - all of the children within the family unit deserve the same treatment.

Ideally the OP and the mum would have a conversation and come to an agreement but the OP doesn't seem to like the mum very much. As I said before, I'm guessing there's some kind of back story that we don't know.

Okay let's imagine your position was reversed. Let's say your partner is the stepparent to your children. If he repeated your exact statement how would that make your kids or you feel? When you marry someone you are essentially bringing together 2 families. You have your own parents, siblings and extended family as does your partner. If you want to be a supportive partner then presumably you would cultivate a relationship with people who are important to your partner. That's why we have in law relationships, mother in law, brother in law etc. Would you say they are no more your brother than the next door neighbour is. No because that isn't logical. Yes they are not biologically related to you but they have a recognised status in your life because of your marriage. Now to say your partners kids are no more your kids then the neighbours is similarly illogical. Yes biologically they are not yours but because you are married to their dad they have a relationship to you or status in your life that goes beyond that of the neighbours child. For you to act like they are no different to a strangers child is very disrespectful to both your partner and them. I'm 100% sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would find it hard to accept that the person you choose to spend your life with regards your children as no more important to them than a child of a neighbour who is a stranger. Really sad.

But I think fundamentally it comes down to the fact that I view stepchildren as members of my family unit. And I think they warrant the same treatment as biological children
I think this sums up the heart of the issue. Many people, myself included, would say they view their DSC as part of the family while also recognising that, ultimately, parental responsibility always lies with the actual parents.
All the kids being taken care of or otherwise catered for by their own mothers while their father is unavailable is them all being treated the same?
I find it amazing that anyone could look at this situation and think it's OP who has the capacity and responsibility to take care of these kids.
Children can be inconvenient sometimes. Surely their mother knew what she was getting into?

I'm 100% sure if the shoe was on the other foot you would find it hard to accept that the person you choose to spend your life with regards your children as no more important to them than a child of a neighbour who is a stranger. Really sad*

I've just about had enough of this shit. Copy and paste where I said that. Go on, I'll wait. Every single one of you that I ask to point out where I've said that can't...because I didn't. Go on, find where I said I didn't care about them.

My DH knows that he's not biologically or legally my DDs father, so does she. I didn't say any of what I've said on here to my DSC but yes they also know that they're no more related to me than any other child that I didn't give birth to.

I have a great relationship with my DSC. You're another one who is glossing over my posts where I said I provided emergency childcare when they were younger, was fully on board when there was talk of them coming to us full-time and that they come and go here now as they please. One of them is staying tonight, he's just made me a cuppa.

But I think fundamentally it comes down to the fact that I view stepchildren as members of my family unit. And I think they warrant the same treatment as biological children

bottom line is though you can’t treat them the same as biological children.

you can’t make decisions around medical care.
you can’t decide which school they go to,
you can’t decide to put them in nursery.
you can’t decide to take them on holiday.
you can’t open a bank account for them.

etc etc.

You can’t treat them the same because you don’t have legal parental responsibility.

And you can't make your family treat them like your own. The OP's mother might be willing to provide childcare for her young grandchildren while the OP works, but she's not obligated to do the school runs and after school care for her daughter's stepchildren. That's a lot of children for anyone to look after.

For anyone else wanting to pile on me, please read my full comment and the comment I was replying to, especially the "hers" bit.

Step parent has clearly been in their life for some time as there are half siblings but is making it clear she doesn’t think of them as “hers”

Statements like this baffle me. My stepkids are no more mine that the kids next door are. Why on earth would I think they're mine? We get on great, we spend time together but they have 2 parents to look after them and quite frankly, I don't want responsibility for them to the same level that their parents have
QuoteThanks5
Add postShareReport

If time is split, it is up to the parent whose time it is to make arrangements for when their child is sick. That could be relying on the new spouse, asking the old spouse to help if possible, bringing in in laws or extended family or hiring help.
But, when you marry someone with kids, that means you become a stepparent. That includes all responsibilities. If you feel like you don't want to take care of their children while they are sick, that is not an issue for the other parent. That is an issue for you and the parent that you married. Sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion. Co-parenting doesn't mean just while times are good. The other parent has made work and other plans based on the time schedule set up. I am sure that most parents would be glad for more time with their children if possible, but it is not always possible and it is not up to them to make it possible. It is up to the parent whose time it is. And there are always outside instances where the other parent has no choice, like during hospital stays that were unexpected. but, unless the parent whose time it is cannot talk, type, or think-then they should be making arrangements.
i am sure that they assumed that you would do it for them, as their spouse/partner.

But, when you marry someone with kids, that means you become a stepparent. That includes all responsibilities. If you feel like you don't want to take care of their children while they are sick, that is not an issue for the other parent

Why doesn't this apply to the mother? Where is the logic?
She decided to become a parent. That includes all responsibilities. If a third party doesn't want to or doesn't have the capacity to look after your children, that very much is an issue for the other parent as they chose to have children with a person who they split with and who is now in hospital.
OP has set up a schedule for work and kids which didn't include her DH being hospitalised too, and yet somehow she's handling things.
Why can't the mother be held to the same high standards you seem to have set step parents?

Of course they should stay with their mother, they come to your house not because of you and not because their mother want them out - they are coming to be with Dad who is at the hospital now.
it’s an emergency situation.
Life for him (and you) is stressful enough and adding more stress won’t help and speed up his recovery.

I agree with you, the other parent should cover if the other parent is unwell. Children are both the parents responsibility and they should be their priority and not offload to someone else because they can't be bother

How are you op? How is your DH?

I don't understand how you extrapolated that from my comment. Literally I said I was concerned about the OP having so much on their plate. And I've commented on the impact on my children. But if it isn't possible (e.g I'm at the other end of the country) I would expect their dad to sort it out.

No, that isn’t what happens you become a stepparent, unless you choose to do those things. ‘Stepparent’ isn’t a job title, it literally just means someone has married a parent. It doesn’t make someone responsible for their stepchildren, no matter how much you would like it to.

It is absolutely up to their actual mother to ‘make it possible’ when their father is incapacitated. They are her children and thus her responsibility. They are not OP’s.

Not really. It’s what best for the child. My DH has my DD as he would be the best person to carry out our routine along with our 2 DC, her DD doesn’t know our household routine and lives too far to take her to school. It would absolutely depend on family circumstance.

But, when you marry someone with kids, that means you become a stepparent. That includes all responsibilities.

Errr, nope.

My kids live with me.
If their dad is poorly I keep them home on 'his time,' his wife runs a pub so it wouldn't be fair to expect her to have to rearrange work when I'm at home and have no reason not to have them, plus dd is very hard work sometimes as she has pda/autism.
If I were ill my OH would help out with them, to be fair I'm never 100% 'well' as I have a couple of auto immune conditions but he lives here and always helps out with them.
But when I had to take OH to A&E recently the kids dad came to ours and slept here with them even though it wasn't 'his time'. He will also come round to ours now and again just to see them or to help out if I'm having a particular tough time with dd or I'm having a bad flare up. Coparenting should be flexible, all parents or step parents should be prepared to step up when needed.
My ex and his wife have a new baby on the way. Baby won't be related to me but as my kids half sibling she will still be part of my extended family and I'll be happy to step in and help them anytime too, their step mum treats mine like family so it's only right I do the same

I have to disagree. It is up to the father to arrange this unless he is completely incapacitated. If he can talk and make calls and go on his phone, then he can arrange who is caring for his children during his time. If he is going to have a long term illness or long hospital stay, he needs to work something out with the mother so that she is not losing her job or something due to his illness. They are no longer married and both decided to share custody or legally have to share custody. His illness is no longer his exes problem. It is up to him to figure it out. We won't talk about step parent status since we will never agree.

His illness isn’t his ex’s problem, but her children are. She doesn’t cease to have parental responsibility for them, and it does indeed fall upon her to care for them when their father is unable to. Unless you think social services should have been informed? They’d call her, btw.

You don’t have to agree about step parent status. What I’ve said is factual. If you don’t like it that’s entirely a you problem.