To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

My comment was in response to pps saying they don't understand why some single parents guard their child-free time, not to the OP. I"ve seen it on here frequently, posters who have a spouse and are not in a separated parenting situation, implying that enjoying or wanting to protect your child-free time is incomprehensible.

This situation is exceptional and there are so many factors that it's not possible to have a definitive opinion on what should happen. We only ever hear one side of a story on here. Blended families are all different and people have different expectations of how they work.

If I was the ex in this situation, if it was possible I would try to have my children, because OP clearly has enough going on. It might not be possible and then I would expect my ex to sort it out somehow. It's about meeting everyone's needs as far as possible.

In general I think the parent whose contact time it is should be making arrangements for their children. If he wants to go out, I'd expect him to find someone to care for them, his wife or someone else. I wouldn't want to do it, and it wouldn't be good for my children to come back to me and then go back to his - it would unsettle them. If he was away for a weekend I would expect them to be with me but would expect him to ask.

if it was possible I would try to have my children, because OP clearly has enough going on. It might not be possible and then I would expect my ex to sort it out somehow. It's about meeting everyone's needs as far as possible

Everyone's needs? Except the children and the step-mothers.

The irony.

It doesn’t sound like someone with healthy boundaries that wouldn’t tolerate anyone trying to take advantage of her or place expectations upon her when they have no right to. So yes, I imagine her relationships are indeed healthy.

The OP isn't "random family and friends", she's his wife.

Any man worth his salt would divorce a woman who said “your children are no more to do with me than next door’s kids”.

I don't have fall outs with people, same friends for years, no family or colleague fall outs ever. Why are you so adamant that a step-mother who wasn't really involved in the daily child care of her step children must be 'a real delight'?

What's your story? Are you harassing your exs step-mother? For what it's worth, My DC also has a step-mother. I have never expected child care from her, ever and she's never offered. This doesn't offend me in the slightest. Why would it? You seem ever so outraged by step-mothers who don't provide child care? Is my exs wife also 'a real delight'?

I didn't say this to my husband. What are you talking about? Once again. Can you explain to me how legally and biologically that his children are any more to do with me than someone else's kids?

Are you going to tell us your situation or just keep on harassing the step-mothers on here for their opinions and boundaries?

Agree generally, but kind of hard to do when you're in hospital on an emergency basis for breathing difficulties... so presumably won't be making lots of phone calls and instead trying to focus on getting oxygen in.

This information should have been in the Original Post.

They are not all ex's. They are women in often substandard relationships who dread the day their exdh says the dreaded words 'I've met someone'. It is all borne from a very tragic need to control the life of a woman who doesn't exist who could be around their children one day. Because this woman doesn't exist yet, they come on here and talk shit to stepmothers. It all comes from insecurity.
A woman is NOT responsible for children she had no involvement in the conception of. It is that simple. All she has to do is be kind and welcoming to the children when they are with their father. It blows my mind that I have to type that.

OP, I hope you've calmly pointed these times out to her. As well as taking the children when she had a loss last year and was feeling incapable of looking after them.

They may have an arrangement where it's 'my time/your time' and if the parent is unwell they need to organize their own cover - whether this is a partner, grandparent, auntie or uncle, babysitter, friend etc stepping in. If he's fought for that time and reduced child maintenance etc for it she will likely consider it 'his' issue to sort.
If this is the arrangement then the asssumption That the default goes to you is your and your partners issue, not his ex's. So yabu to blame his ex even though you are stressed.

I hope he gets well soon though!

(Nb I have a selfish useless ex who doesn't see his child when I'm ill in even on his days in case he gets ill his the child!)

Really lol. And yet that doesn't happen and most step mums don't want the step kids . Most men do not go off to find a poxy mum they go off because they think the grass is greener with another woman and they usually move on with their new partners kids and or have kids with new partner and don't care as much about the kids they already had. I'm not saying every man does this. Lots look after their kids after a separation but more don't.

Because you married their father and became a family?

They are your family. You are legally connected to their father. In this case she is also the mother of their siblings.

As for biology, I'm adopted, ds is adopted. I don't think that changes anything.

Presumably you aren't biologically related to your DH, but still feel closer to him than the neighbours husband.

For day to day issues such as running late at work, the parent whose day it is to have the children needs to arrange cover.
For emergency situations such as a parent being seriously ill in hospital, surely normal agreements stop. The stepmother is visiting and supporting her partner whilst looking after/arranging childcare for her own children. Surely any reasonable mother would have her children at this time.
It seems quite simple to me.

As if there is only one way in which families organise themselves and function, when that’s not even true for exclusively nuclear families.

They may be members of her family, but not ones she is responsible for. The children she is responsible for are her own - the same as the mother of the stepchildren is responsible for them.

It’s how it works in our family!

I don't have any DC with DH so no shared siblings. Adopted? So your son is LEGALLY yours. My DSC are nothing to do with me legally. Why am I being attacked for stating facts? Also, a marriage is a legally binding contract.

So what though? It’s not how it works in others, and it doesn’t have to be.

As for biology, I'm adopted, ds is adopted. I don't think that changes anything.

I sincerely hope you are not comparing the role of stepmother to adoptive mother. I dont need to point out why do I?

I agree with this.

I can't believe people are still spouting that the dad needs to "arrange alternative childcare" whilst he's in hospital with breathing difficulties.

It's made worse that the mum doesn't offer flexibility on her side but expects her ex and his wife to be flexible.

If my kids' dad went into hospital I would WANT them with me, even if it meant taking emergency parental leave. It's literally an emergency ffs.

In an emergency of course I’d keep the dc but I’d also expect a plan on how I can get the time back. For example he could do an extra week in summer and Id cancel annual leave and take it early type stuff.

obviously sad he’s ill but that wouldn’t pay my bills and as 50/50 no maintenance. It’s like a house of cards financially speaking.

to pick up on the adoptive and legal issue, which I don’t think anyone else has yet…

step mum is not RP. She does not have any legal decision making capacity.

if dad is in hospital and cannot care for the child, the person with legal responsibility for that child is mum. If the child is unwell, falls down the stairs, needs any sort of parental decision making- it’s on mum.

when one legal parent is incapacitated, it’s the other legal parent to parent the child. Regardless of who’s turn it is.

she can ask step parent to help out, same as she can ask grandparents or aunts/uncles to help out. But she can’t abdicate her parental responsibility because “it’s dad’s turn to be responsible parent”.

I found out what would happen the hard way.

I was hospitalised with a suspected brain aneurysm / stroke and was sorting childcare out in a&e, childrens father said he couldnt have them because "he had to work" and "no, ask your mum" refused to help or even come collect them from the hospital while I was being admitted. I was in for 8 days.

My mum had to take a week off work in the end, never seen him. He collected them on his usual 2 days out of 14. I worry what will happen when im gone.