To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

@flumposie very similar to our summer last year. I’ve just posted above. Glad your daughter is ok. Onwards and upwards.

@TeenLifeMum God I wish I had read this last summer!

Not RTFT but we have a similar situation in a mum friend group where one girl had a serious fall out but the rest are still good friends. They are young teens.
things were awkward for a while between the parents of the two girls involved but they have sorted it out.
However, we have created a separate WhatsApp group to organise social stuff for the girls minus the one who’s fallen out with them. (Not that we organise the social stuff for them - the group is mainly for sorting out lifts to various activities etc.)

I am a grandparent now, but still remember the playground politics (no WhatsApp groups back then) watching the cliques standing together in the playground, certain 'criteria' for joining🙄

My DS didn't go to the school nursery, so that's one box I didn't tick, couldn't help out with reading, another box I didn't tick and so on..

My DS was pretty much ok, but I would observe the pecking order of the Mums etc. thank god it's all behind me, I hated every minute. I did make 'friends' though not in a clique god forbid!

To answer your post OP, I'd have left way before now, these are really not nice people!

these mums know your son has been left out - he’s not in the social photos and if they have not raised it with you they are not friends

It’s bullying and I’d have told the other mums!! I’d tell them when he was invited to things that the group was really quite horrible and bullied him last year so I wouldn’t let him go even if he wanted to- no one wants their child to go through that.

i wouldn’t use the word triggering here.

Upset. You're upset, not triggered. Triggered is associated with PTSD so unless you have PTSD from this, then you are not triggered. This is like the misuse of OCD etc

I couldn't be friends with these women if my child had been dumped and pretty much treated like shit by their kids. They sound lacking in self awareness at best, and plain ole nasty at worst.

Leave the group and make new friends. You said yourself that it's 'triggering' for you. No wonder!

I remember a similar situation and it helped my DC who was involved to know we had both closed the door on that chapter in our lives

That's really cruel. I'm sorry your son was subjected to that.

🤷🏻‍♀️

@Mt563 that's total bullshit.

OP, this isn't teen drama, it's a case of quite severe bullying and ostracisation, at least partly visible to these women, and I think you should leave the group and on the way out calmly say why.

Wow several people here objecting to the use of the word triggering - it is used far more widely than that colloquially these days, has been on the internet since like 2009, and perfectly acceptable for OP to use.

I'm another who thinks that you - calmly and concisely - have to tell these women what their sons have done to yours (and how, because the mums are the ones boasting about how XY & Z are still such good friends, whilst ostracising your son, and, by extension you, their behaviour isn't much better).

These so called 'good friends;' have raised cruel and insensitive bullies.

Are they really people whom you actually want to be friends with? Not to mention the message that you still wanting to be part of The Mean Mums group is sending to your son.

If these women are genuine, they'll apologise - but I'd not be holding my breath if I were you. You and your son deserve so much better.

Thanks 🙏🏻 I have found so many of the comments on here so helpful.

I keep thinking about how my son is thankfully now finding friends who like him for who he is whereas that group of boys ostracised him because he wasn’t ‘cool’ enough or whatever.

guess I have realised that bar my one friend, who has genuinely tried to help, the rest haven’t been very kind at all.

I have teenagers myself who have been through the wringer with their "friends" but your son being made to sleep on the floor with no bedding is horrifying. I'm so sad for him. These women are not being kind. They absolutely must know your son isn't hanging out with them anymore but are not being sensitive about this at all. I can understand you wanting to maintain the friendship but they don't sound like good friends- it's maybe no wonder they haven't brought up kind children.

I'd put something on the group chat.

"Hi all. As you know DS is no longer hanging out with the rest of the boys. I had hoped that this wouldn't change our friendship but I am really struggling hearing about the boys' socialising when DS was so hurt. It has been a very difficult time for him and me. Thankfully he's made new friends but I'm still feeling a bit raw about it all. I know it's hard to separate chat about the kids so I'm going to leave the group chat now. Hope you all understand and maybe we could catch up at some point soon."

I disagree with PPs.

It was so long ago now (in relative speak) that bringing it up wouldn’t change anything - it would just be to make you feel better tbh and it’s not about you, it’s about your son whose mates didn’t want to be his friend anymore. Even if they DO say something to their sons, imagine the worst case scenario for the boys to respond along the lines of - would you want your son to suffer more?

I would just leave quietly and if anyone asked tell the truth privately in a measured way. This doesn’t need to be a spectacle.

Double posted - sorry!

I wouldn't write what @WestEndWindy suggests. This has been going on too long and these mums must know that OP's son has been ostracized. In any case, as @Devilshands suggests, raising the be issue now would at best not change anything for the son but could actually make things worse. Teenagers can be very cruel, unfortunately.

So I'm with those who say just quietly leave the group.

I’m sorry but if they were your friends they would have helped with the situation with your son more

I agree with this.

Re: the term 'triggering'...this is a chat forum not a psychology exam.
Just let people chat.

This is so common this situation, its why it can be so tricky getting too close to mum friends who are parents of your children's friends. It makes it so hard as your friendship is inexplicably tied in to your children's. I feel for you OP 💔.

I'm not sure I'd leave totally quietly as someone will notice and that may cause speculation and gossip. Or future awkwardness as the elephant in the room so to speak. But I'd keep it super simple and say something casual like

'Hey everyone, as you know DS isn't socialising with your boys anymore, so I'm going to leave this group chat for now, but I'd love to see you all for a night out soon' . ❤️

You could then initiate a night out yourself and make a separate what's app group and name it 'mums night out' or something and initiate some plans if you do want to carry on the mum friendships. Then you'll have created a separate one for socials.
And it will appear then as no hard feelings to the others.

Depends how strongly you feel about socialising with them after all this.

And you don't really know what the other mums are thinking. They could individually be feeling awkward themselves but maybe have never talked about it amongst themselves. Or if they have, they may feel guilty about starting a WhatsApp without you. As hard as it's all been for you and your DS, if you have all been close friends I'm sure they feel bad if they are good people.

Big hugs to you x

Friends are supposed to be for uplifting, sharing, enjoying, confiding, helping, being helped etc. It does seem that in the past you felt this, but not any more. There’s nothing wrong with moving on and deleting the group, but I’m not sure I’d be able to resist a barbed comment first.

BUT - what is the current situation? If you leave, will you see them again? Will your son see them at school? What are the practicalities? This would affect how I dealt with it.

I'd quietly leave the group. If any of them truly care about you they will message you one to one and you can neutrally say something like "I really value your friendship. The group has evolved to be more about the boys social lives and my son is no longer being included in that by the others, so I find it upsets me a bit to read about. So I decided to leave. Fancy meeting up for a coffee? "

Or you could be the one to suggest a "boys socials" WhatsApp group and keeping the original group as a Mum's socials....just say "I get a bit confused as to what is happening when the two are combined in one group"