To find this WhatsApp group triggering - should I leave?

[Colourofspring]

I’ve been friends with a group of mum’s since reception - kids are now doing GCSEs. DS was good friends with their kids up until about a year ago when they all dumped him because he hadn’t matured at the same rate- DS was so devastated and it had a huge impact on his self esteem - he’s only just starting to get over it now but he’s basically spent a year in his room too scared to trust anyone else. He has started to make some new mates tho.

I wanted to let it not affect the friendships with the other mums as I like them all and it’s been a long time but the group has become a place for them to organise social activities for the teens - minus my son & post lots of pics saying how lucky they are to all still be friends. All I can think is ‘well they were fucking horrible to my son’ and left him a shell of his former self.

Hes shy, quiet with low self esteem and it’s probably impacted him more than most. A lot of teen boys are cocky and full of testsosterone!’

I am getting to the point where I find the group triggering - I still like being included in occasional social stuff I guess but actually I am finding it increasingly difficult to stay in the whatapp group.

I have tried to keep child friend drama away from adult relationships but I am finding it difficult in this instance.

Aibu? WWYD? Leave the group? I have muted it but still get all the messages.

I stand by the view that mummy organising 16 year olds social lives is pretty pathetic. Mine have been fiercely independent on that front from about 12 onwards.

How do you still consider these women friends? So basically your son would stay over at Debbie's house and she would provide bedding for everyone but him. And you consider this a kid's issue? I am sorry, but these ladies do not respect you and some are probably actively bullying you - yet you seem to be unaware?

You are better of going to grab a coffee with a good book then socialise with such group of 'friends'

This happened to my daughter as she moved from year 6 into senior school. She was blatantly younger in maturity (as a family we all are but as you get older you get called fun and young at heart etc) and within 6 weeks (just before the half term) she went from happy and content to sleeping in bed with me crying and wetting her bed. I had the luxury of being able to move her and yes I dropped out the group. In some ways I wish I hadn't as my daughter is now coming to the end of year 9 and is soooo happy. She can't wait to go to school and finds holidays long and boring. Recently she was in hospital and on being discharged but still with a cannula in her hand she was trying to persuade me that she was fine to go to school. Secretly I'd love those parents to know just how well she's doing.

I left the group immediately. I suggest you do the same. In some ways your son might find it slightly disloyal of you? Equally not all kids mature at the same time so we can't really hold it against the other parents, but no I left and have no regrets.

I don’t think it’s fair on your son that you’ve stayed friends with these people. I would have raised the issue immediately and left the group if it wasn’t addressed. Real friends of over a decade, wouldn’t ignore the fact that this us happened to your son. They have definitely discussed it behind your back, and nothing has been done. Just leave the group and cut them loose. Never understand why people are so keen to make mum friends out of the school run. Not worth the hassle!

Why would you still want to be involved with these people? Their sons made your sons life hell and you have chosen to stay friendly with the mums, stand up for your son, he is so much more important than any of them, ditch them and show your son how important to you he is, not some horrible gang of school mums fgs

Yanbu. Anything or one that upsets our kids is hard for parents to take. This constant reminder can’t be making you feel good.
You could leave the WhatsApp group with something along the lines of ‘coming up to exams we/the kids are moving in different directions now.’
But you don’t owe them an explanation. After exams are over the kids may all go to different colleges or leave school anyway. If you like one mum in particular so her separately.

Tell them what you think! How their children were horrible to your son then block them!
atop being a pleaser and speak your mind!

I'd have left when son was ostricised

I think if they are your friends then you should tell them how you are feeling and be honest about it. It may change how they use the group so it relates to friends stuff not kids stuff anymore.

I’m surprised you’re still in the group after what they put and are still putting your son through. Exit it and let it go.

This sort of thing happens so often to teenagers. Ur son finding alternative friendship groups is deffo the way to go. DS1 did this and many years later after they’d matured the ringleader of the original group apologised. Meanwhile DS1 rediscovered confidence with the new groups. But DS1 had to work it out for himself. As a Mum it’s such a painful watch. Leave the group. For now it’s pouring salt in the wound. You’ve got this and so has ur DS. You will both be ok.

You've got no issue with the mums. Just try one message to the group saying what you've told us. Your son doesn't seem to be in the friendship group any more, so there seems no point in staying. Then just keep quiet for a bit. Maybe, just maybe, a few quiet words will be said and your son will start being included again. Girl groups can reject members maliciously, boys probably just do it unthinkingly. If brought to their attention they might be mortified to know he feels excluded.

Or they might be horrible little buggers. But it's worth a try.

Leave the group, put your effort into other friends.

Have the others not questioned why you & your son are no longer invited to events? Sounds a bit bizzare

The problem is that this group isn't just for mothers of children who are friends, but who have also formed friendships amongst themselves.
I don't think you can do much about your son's former friends--teenagers aren't very empathetic, and their mothers likely had little to do with the situation. They are also unlikely to realize how you feel, unless you tell them. Still, even if you tell them, I don't think there is much they will be able to do about your son being left out. Teenage boys don't listen to their parents on who to be friends with or not.
My advice would be to leave this particular group, as it is triggering you, which I don't think that is unreasonable. You can stay in contact with the mothers you like, through other means of communication.

The same thing happened to my son. But it started when they were younger. There were about 6-8 boys, the ring leader (let’s call him Harry) lived minutes away. I won’t go into the nuts and bolts but our son ended up being put on suicide watch by our GP and after years of therapy and counselling, he is starting to like himself. Unfortunately Harry’s mum was the nicest of people and we had been close. I tried to talk to her calmly but she said she didn’t see a problem.

In summary what I can tell you is that mums put their sons first and friendships second. In our situation I think all of the mums except one (she was never at the school gate) had the measure of Harry and 3 mums approached me and told me horror stories about him. Yet the behaviour continued. The truth was that none of the mums wanted their darling boys to be treated the way mine was being treated and they all loved the banter at the school gate with each other, the sharing of lifts, coffee mornings etc. and they chose to keep the status quo rather than acknowledge and address the problems.

So whilst I don’t think it’s a bad idea to tell the mums what the situation has done to your son, please give some thought as to how life will be if u tell them and they suggest you are exaggerating, fabricating etc. If your son is finding new friendships I would be inclined to say v little and distance myself from the mums and just be a bit vague and busy if any of them confront you.

I wish your son all the very best.

That is awful, defo leave the group. Big hugs to you & your boy!

I think it would keep chipping away at me if I remained friends with these mums. Are none of them aware enough to have cottoned on to how the kids treated your son? What do you think he is feeling about it?

Op I feel sorry for your son
you valued those “ friends” more in some ways by - continuing your friendship such as it was - confusing for him at best at worst he prob feels even more dejected

On the floor? With no bedding?

stand up for him and leave the group. These mums aren’t your friends hun. No way I treat a kid like that...let alone the kid of a friend...

I disagree with most of the pp. My main friendship group is the school mums. Similar situation in our group where three of my friend's son's are being awful to one of the others. I can see it's really tricky at times for the mother of the bullied son. BUT we are all so close and try our best to keep it all very separate. There have been multiple conversations between them about it but the end result is the bullied child has managed to make some new friends and built up resilience against the other 3 (who are all lovely to him one in one 🙄)

My point is that if you really value your friendship with these women you don't have to cut them off. I would suggest you make another group with them where it's just grown up chat and they can keep the current group for kids plans.

Sorry that you are in this situation. If you don’t want to loose the friendships - I would suggest that you mute the chat and take a break from them while you decide how you feel.
if they ask you why - I’d tell them

Maybe looking on the bright side this is a case of bad communication and some
perhaps forgivable ignorance on their part. It seems that they dont realise the extent of the hurt your son suffered - perhaps you should tell them? Then again it’s baffling they dont realise
what has occurred but some people are just not v aware. I would say you want to speak to them the next time u meet. It wont be easy but theyll prob be really kind about it and youll feel better

I can’t imagine staying in a group where people who had made my son a shadow of himself were discussed, praised, photos of them I couldn’t stand by and look at them pretending it was acceptable, leave… and I would never suggest your child goes with you to a group event with people who did that no matter how much you enjoyed them before!