Wedding without marriage

[DelythBeautyQueen]

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

YANBU. They are CFs if they aren’t clear about this.

Hmm so really … they are asking everyone to fund their wedding abroad?! They are having an abroad wedding but by having a pre party here and asking for money to pay for their abroad wedding they get it paid for… quite clever really 🤣

I mean I suppose it makes no odds to you either way as you’re going to their wedding party and it won’t be twice. But that’s what they’ve done- they’ve decided to marry abroad and everyone else fund it.

It's really cringe AF. But it doesn't actually make a difference to you does it? I think it calls for an internal eyeroll (and open a book on how long the marriage lasts 😂)

I'm not sure that was the original intention, but that's how it feels.

It seems ridiculously self-indulgent to have a "wedding" without actually getting married. I would understand if the legal ceremony was within a week either side, but as things stand, there is no solid plan to actually get married.

You've almost hit the point that's occurred to me. A lot can happen in 18 months, will they actually get married at all?

I wouldn’t be attending, they’ve had £300 out of you already for this farce

Well how long is piece of string really isn't it! But weddings are an invite, note a summons, blah blah. They're not worth getting het up over.

It's a bit risky for them. They won't have any of the legal protections that marriage entails.

Why have they changed their plan?

This is just awful. Your aunt must be beside herself with embarrassment. Also, if you found out, everyone will find out.

I would not be attending this "wedding."

I went to a wedding recently … it was officiated by a “celebrant” not a registrar - it clearly wasn’t a legally binding ceremony, but, it didn’t matter, it was lovely

Celebrants most certainly can perform a legally binding marriage ceremony-I’ve been to several and the celebrant has made a point of saying (words to the effect) “this is the legal part”

Depends where you marry - they can in Scotland, not in England. I was going to say, we had a humanist wedding with a celebrant (legally binding as Scotland) but he warned us that he cannot dupe the guests, and if we missed the deadline for paperwork he could not pretend he was legally marrying us, it would be make clear it was a non-binding ceremony. So I'd be surprised if any of the guests are fooled.

Do you mean you've paid for their annual holiday abroad?

Isn't the whole point of a wedding to celebrate the marriage of two people? I have no problem with a non-legal ceremony on the wedding day as long as the legal ceremony takes place (preferably) before the wedding or a few days after.

If there is no marriage, it can't be called a wedding. It's a fancy party.

Are you just paying for a fancy holiday?

A wedding without getting married is a party. I'd not spend a fortune on attending a party.

Well, who am I to judge them... But somehow I am judging. YANBU. By the sound of it, they are doing it for the cash, holiday and social media photos alone. Quite shallow.

It’s weird. The point of a wedding is to celebrate the marriage. If the marriage isn’t happening for maybe another 2 years, it’s bonkers to have a wedding.

Fwiw, we had a humanist wedding that wasn’t legally binding, but we had our actual legal registry wedding the same day in the morning. We wanted the humanist ceremony, but needed to sort the legals out too. Our wedding party came to the registry one, then we had our humanist ceremony with everyone and the party celebrated both.

That said, I know someone who has had not one, not two, but THREE weddings without a marriage. Her partner won’t marry her for financial reasons (concerned about protecting his assets), so they have somehow over the years thrown three ‘weddings’ white dress, bridesmaids, reception, dancing, the lot! She’s anxious I think about her image as an unmarried woman and keeps doing these big showy weddings to make a point about how committed they really are to each other. I think everyone is pretty fed up after the third one though.

Well, as you say, OP, the whole things a sham. They're just having a big fancy party that all the guests are expected to pay for; so far you've paid £300 towards it. I'd be bloody furious.

I'd be very tempted to ask for my money back and not go to their rip-off party.

I'm not surprised your aunt is upset. She must feel so embarrassed, and extremely ashamed of these two horribly grabby people.

This

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

It's not a wedding if there is no marriage. I'd not bother to go. I'd be furious I'd sent them £300 for what is essentially a party, nothing more.

What's the point in all this if it isn't legal and they haven't even booked a wedding yet.

Exactly.

Would you feel comfortable with writing off the £300 and not wasting your time or money going to the non wedding? You're fortunate to know, I assume not all the invitees will.