Wedding without marriage

[DelythBeautyQueen]

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

What are they celebrating with you? Your promise to each other to get married at some specified or unspecified day in the future?

Back in the old days that was called an engagement party. The wedding was the bit when you actually got married.

The old traditions have had to change a bit, because fewer people get married in church, but for it to be a proper wedding the couple do have to actually get married on the day or a few days either side of the "wedding".

Outwith Scotland (good Scottish word, 'outwith'!) it can still be nice to have a more personal humanist ceremony, but I do agree the legalities should be dealt with beforehand ideally, and later that week at latest (just my opinion). I went to a wedding where a close family member did the ceremony and a registrar was present to do the legalities, so it was still legally binding despite the family member not being a registered celebrant. Seems a good compromise.

A secular wedding is two things in our society and culture in the UK, a party to celebrate two people's commitment to each other, and a legal contract. (If you're religious there's obviously a different slant on the whole thing, a third element if you will). Yes the legal contract has importance in its own right, i'm married myself so I know why I wanted to have that aspect in my own wedding, but surely coming together for them to publicly declare and you to bear witness to their love and commitment is worthwhile in its own right? Why doesn't that deserve a party and a card and a thoughtful present? Perhaps you shouldn't have sent them so much money for a start, because in any other context why would you pay for someone else's holiday? Seems that's one of the main things causing you offence.

Furthermore, why should only those couples who get legally married be celebrated by a big bash and get lots of attention and presents? Why not other committed long term partners? To me they're as good as married anyway.

It's a shame that we only tend to celebrate quite traditional 'achievements' because then it's more likely that some people will go all their lives without an engagement party or a wedding or a hen do or a baby shower or a christening and I think it's a shame if they miss out on being celebrated as much as the people that do get lucky enough to have all those things. And I'm speaking as someone who has had most of those events! I just don't see why others need miss out altogether.

It’s just a party. The wedding celebrates the marriage. If there is no marriage there is nothing to celebrate. They probably need to do the registry office bit anyway with a destination wedding so no reason they can’t get that out the way before the wedding and then have their destination wedding in a year or two as planned. The only reason for not doing the legal marriage is because they aren’t ready to commit yet. It’s a sham.

Are they still having a humanist ceremony? If they are I can't say it would bother me, to them it is their wedding, if you don't want to celebrate with them don't go.

No to everyone, people view these things through their own beliefs. I'm a Catholic and I've got relatives who don't think the legal bit is the point of the wedding as to them the religious bit is the most important. I know Muslims who feel the same and don't always bother with the legal bit.

A wedding is a marriage ceremony and celebration of the public commitment to the institution of marriage.

If they're not getting married it's not a wedding.

It may be a celebration of their love for each other & their personal commitment and it may imitate the traditions of a wedding, but it isn't a wedding.

Marriage is a very particular thing. It's legal and binding and a key institution of our society.

If people want a 'celebration of our love party' they should find a term for that otherwise it does seem like they are misleading people.

One could hold a "together 20 years" party if you chose not to marry (14 years and counting here)

And it would be nice to hold an event and have dad make a speech about us.

But I'd not try and pretend it's a wedding as we are choosing not to marry.

I think you should I would be annoyed if I thought I was going to a wedding when the actual wedding isn't until the year after.
In your situation I would postpone the celebration until you can actually get married.

My ex did this, organised a big wedding abroad circa £30k. People flying out, hotels, white dress, bridesmaids, the whole shebang. Service conducted in foreign language. Not sure if they told people it was fake, not even their families. We were still married as he dragged out the divorce. Still, it didn't impress the Judge, so worked in my favour.

I don't know why the couple have decided not to have the legal ceremony before the "wedding".

Despite living several hundred miles apart now, my cousin and I grew up in the same town and we're quite close.

I will ask her why they have changed their arrangements, but not yet. I only know because my aunt felt the need to confide in my mother. My cousin doesn't know that I know.

In fairness, I don't think it was to get a free holiday. The "wedding" is costing them considerably more than the honeymoon. If saving money was their objective, they could have just had the wedding abroad and a party on their return.

I think and hope that it's a romantic notion of just the two of them "eloping" and having a private ceremony somewhere beautiful and they have failed to see the wider implications.

We will attend the "wedding". I have never said we won't. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed that it isn't what we thought it would be. Our accommodation (over £1,000 for three of us) is nonrefundable and we will at least have the opportunity to catch up with family we don't see often.

However, if we had been invited in the first place to an engagement party rather than a wedding, it would have been an entirely different thing. Also, I know a lot of my family members are stretching themselves financially to attend this "wedding".

I wouldn't call what they are doing a wedding, I'd call it a holiday fund raising party. It seems odd to take out a loan they probably can't afford for the party bit then ask the guests to fund a holiday. Why not do the destination wedding and have a lovely BBQ for family and friends, they could even have the traditional mumsnet massive salads and chilli and avoid debt.

It's things like this that make me feel old.

Did they specifically ask for £300 or did they just ask for money in general?

I think normally people are overreacting about these situations, they want you to celebrate their marriage and either you want to do that or you don't so who cares about the legal part. But in this situation it does sound like you're all paying for their actual wedding abroad.

I know a couple who got "married" abroad and it wasn't legally binding in the UK. He didn't want to be married but she kept going on about it so he did it to shut her up. She went around telling everyone he was her husband, he went around still shagging whoever he liked. They broke up eventually.

Did they specifically ask for £300 or did they just ask for money in general?

They just asked for money towards their honeymoon. I decided £100 from each of the three of us was reasonable (for a wedding, not an engagement party).

Wowww. Pleased for you, though.

It all sounds a bit bonkers. It not even an elaborate engagement party as presumably they've already been engaged for some time.
I think I'd be tempted to save giving them a "wedding" present until they were actually married.

A party, then, not a wedding.

The last 2 wedding I went to (in Scotland) were conducted by a humanist celebrant and they were a legal ceremony.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. Whilst I appreciate marriage is a legal commitment, it doesn’t mean what it used to mean in terms of sanctifying the union. When I got married it was more to express my love for my husband (and vice versa) and making a public declaration of this love, the legalities of it don’t bother me and the religious aspect certainly didn’t - and the same goes for those weddings of friends that I have attended. I couldn’t care less if they’re actually married (and I think one set of my friends isn’t legally married yet, a year after their wedding), I was just glad to be a part of their day where they celebrated their love.

I suppose if they are covering the costs of the party itself, food, venue etc, then it doesn’t really matter what it’s dressed up as. I wouldn’t be paying twice though, it would just be a card from me when the actual marriage was announced.

That's like going to a baby shower and spending money on a gift only to find the mum to be sat there with a pillow shoved up her top saying we will ttc 'some time soon'. Ridiculous.

I seem to be in the minority as this wouldn’t bother me at all.

it’s still a ceremony where two people say they love each other followed by a party?

I don’t really care about the legality.

as for the gift - as long as they don’t expect a second gift when they do the legal but I don’t really care when they get it.

if they don’t get married? How is it different to people who divorce within a year of the wedding (this has happened after I shelled out for a very expensive gift 😂).

My DH and I once went to a wedding that turned out NOT to be a wedding, but just a ceremony. We did not know until the ceremony, when it was stated clearly during the ceremony.
In their case, the B&G had legally married 2 days earlier, but I still felt Cheated??
It felt that the B&G (and their family) were being deceptive.
I was annoyed/angry, etc, but frankly, I also sort of assumed I was being a bit unreasonable, and have got over it now.
Yes, I know lots of couples have the legal bit separately. So, I think I was annoyed about the deception.
Having the legal ceremony several months or years later is really something, as anything can happen during that time.

When we got married at the registry office and had a celebrant wedding a few days later, the registry office and celebrant were very clear we did it that way round as they do ask if you've had any ceremonies that could be considered a wedding and there would be extra steps or checks or something. I'm not sure why but maybe they need to look into it properly just incase.

The wedding and party afterwards is to celebrate the commitment that the couple have shown, if they aren’t having the official legal part for months then there really is no reason to pretend. Just have the wedding and party after it’s all taken place.

it all seems a bit of a farce pretending to get married before it’s actually happened.