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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding without marriage

289 replies

DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 13:37

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

OP posts:
LakieLady · 28/05/2024 15:38

BananaLambo · 27/05/2024 14:52

The whole point of a wedding is the legal bit. That’s the bit that creates a legal partnership between two people with rights and responsibilities in terms of property and joint children. The rest is just fluff. Once you strip away the flowers and cars and party and dresses and all the rest of the gumph, the only thing that’s important is the legally binding marriage certificate. If that’s not happening then there’s no point in going, unless you’re desperate to go to a big, expensive, party.

Yep, I'm pretty sure the dictionary definition of a wedding includes the word marriage.

If there's no marriage, it's not a wedding, it's a party.

Abouttimeforanamechange · 28/05/2024 16:11

The point is you get to celebrate with them.

Celebrate what? The point of a wedding is to celebrate a marriage. There is no marriage, so what is being celebrated?

Snugglemonkey · 28/05/2024 17:38

DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 13:53

You've almost hit the point that's occurred to me. A lot can happen in 18 months, will they actually get married at all?

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Does it matter? I would not care tbh.

lilkitten · 28/05/2024 17:48

To me it's sound like a celebration of a relationship, I thought it's quite common to have ceremonies that celebrate you as a couple committing to each other? I don't see how them choosing to not legally be bound as a unit makes a difference. I am married, but in hindsight I see that I really spent a load of money on a celebration, not on becoming married - I could have done that cheaply at the registry office if I just wanted a legal connection. Really we spend the money on celebrating the couple's relationship

C8H10N4O2 · 28/05/2024 17:48

Are the bride and groom Tracey and Jazzer?

I've attended wedding celebrations in the past which had no legal component. They were celebrating a commitment to each other for life. I had no problem celebrating that with them in the form they chose.

Getonwitit · 28/05/2024 17:52

Jeezitneverends · 27/05/2024 14:12

Celebrants most certainly can perform a legally binding marriage ceremony-I’ve been to several and the celebrant has made a point of saying (words to the effect) “this is the legal part”

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Was it a Celebrant or a Registrar ?

Jeezitneverends · 28/05/2024 17:53

@Getonwitit celebrant, but I’m in Scotland so celebrants can do the whole legal thing-no need for a registrar as well

CultOfRamen · 28/05/2024 17:58

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 15:01

yes, there are good reasons (but outing as i said upthread). Everyone i've told so far has just been really happy for us and happy to celebrate with us. I can see people on this thread think it's wrong though, and that's helpful to know and to think through who doesn't know.

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i fail to see how it’s outing unless you give details.
if it’s not divorce, you could just say immigration issue or I’m currently in jail, if you were the only person experiencing the issue it’s u likely there would be a law preventing you from getting married!!

Sennelier1 · 28/05/2024 17:59

If two people love each other and declare their love for eachother in whatever ceremony they choose then in my eyes they are married. Be it a civil partnership, an exchange of vows or whatever, to me they're married. The legal part is only a formality. Nothing to do with how people feel.

LAMPS1 · 28/05/2024 18:01

I think it matters very much that they are planning to dupe their guests.
I wouldn’t be happy with this fake event at all. It’s meaningless, except to swoon over the cheating couple. No wonder your aunt feels the humiliation of it all.

If they think it’s nobody’s business whether or not the sham ceremony is legal then what business do the gusts have being there at all……is it just to celebrate having handed the money over that they have been asked for.
It isn’t a wedding you have been invited to, it’s a commercial event.

I’d tell these fraudsters that you will celebrate with them when they decide to make and honour their marriage vows. And happily be witness to that solemn declaration. But until then, you need the three hundred quid back in your own account to gather a bit of interest/to pay your bills.

WindyAnna · 28/05/2024 18:02

We didn't get legally married at our wedding. We decided the night before just to bethroth ourselves to each other, the registrar was being unnecessarily difficult and we decided to cancel her. We explained to people as they arrived that we'd be legally marrying later, with the exception of 1 family member everyone was fine about it. Everyone had a great day. We had a ceremony, just not a legal one, my Dad did a reading, my daughter did a reading, two friends ran the ceremony and me and (my now) DH made vows we had written. We got married legally the following year at a local RO with a much nicer registrar and 2 witnesses.

I don't consider it to have been a "sham" wedding, it's the one we celebrate the anniversary of (when we remember, we are a bit rubbish at that). Everyone has said what a fabulous day it was - 20+ years later people mention our brilliant "non-wedding", even the person who initially had a problem with it.

Each to their own, it's a shame that you have had to stretch yourself for it but try to enjoy the day for what it is.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 28/05/2024 18:05

What a pair of dicks

Totemoneru · 28/05/2024 18:08

WrylyAmused · 27/05/2024 15:03

To throw an opposing view in... While they probably should tell people the reality of what's going on, I couldn't get this excited about it.

I'm with @Albatrossing that a wedding is to demonstrate, declare and celebrate your relationship in front of friends and family - people don't have this weird response to, for example, non legally binding Islamic weddings. They might tell the parties to make sure they have/get the legal protection a legal marriage gives, but no-one claims it's a sham.

Getting hung up on legalities which have nothing to do with you if you're not part of the couple seems very odd to me.

Equally, being upset about having gifted them something - you freely choose to gift, to celebrate their lives together. Why is it contingent on a legal contract you have no part of? And which has a 40% failure rate anyway...

You knew it would be spent on the "honeymoon", which is still just a fancy holiday. Especially given that most couples live together before marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly like they wouldn't have been on holiday together previously.

Ditto the commitment part - joint finances, mortgages, children often precede marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly the commitment it once was, start of a whole new life together away from the birth families.

And second and subsequent marriages are also commonly celebrated - where there's evidence the previous marriage relationships didn't work out, but no-one usually gets upset about that.

Bit odd, none of my business, shrug, enjoy the party, move on with life.

And... Would someone please explain why you wouldn't now go to the party? You've already sent the gift, so even if you thought it was cheeky of them, why wouldn't you go celebrate & enjoy the party? Presumably you're still friends with them....?

I agree completely!

How can you be sure anyone gets legally married at any wedding really? They're often a ceremony (or as people here would say...fake, a sham, a con) that isn't legally binding. That's often done elsewhere at another time.

You're there to celebrate 2 people making a public declaration that they want to spend their lives together.

All of these comments seem so judgemental and conditional. Why do the presents and presence have so many conditions?

Don't give gifts and don't attend if you don't agree with the pairing or if you believe that it'll all end in tears in a year. Otherwise why fuss?

Jimbojobsworth · 28/05/2024 18:10

Who cares if they are that sly then the marriage won't last as they are both being deceitful to all friends and family who in turn have all been ripped off financially

Middleagedspreadisreal · 28/05/2024 18:13

I'd ask for my money back

vincettenoir · 28/05/2024 18:13

I went to a wedding where there was no legal
marriage and this wasn’t widely understood by all the guests. There was some legal complication and they married legally a few weeks later.

It didn’t bother me and on the day it felt very much like a wedding. The celebrations were beautiful.

But, I think this situation is different as the wedding and honeymoon are happening 18 months later. A lot could happen in that time. What if they split up? It feels a bit off to me. It just doesn’t make a lot of sense.

Sxdrivemismatch · 28/05/2024 18:16

This is definitely YANBU! We done the opposite…we got married in private last year and have our wedding in a few weeks. Feels very cheeky of them to be honest.

LivelyBlake · 28/05/2024 18:21

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:34

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

Just postpone the party 9 months and have on the same week, or better still same day, as the wedding.

DMC6274 · 28/05/2024 18:26

MountCaramel · 27/05/2024 20:31

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Send this to the couple, they'll be up the creek without a paddle if they separate or die before having a legal ceremony l.

I really don't understand posts like this. For what it's worth I'm married, but I think there's a real snobbery to unmarried couples on Mumsnet sometimes.

How do you know they'd be up shit creek without a paddle? Maybe they don't own any property so there would be nothing for the other partner to inherit if one of them died? Maybe one of them has tons of debt so the other one could end up worse off if they were married than if they weren't?

They are adults, they don't need to be patronised by the OP sending them this link.

crockofshite · 28/05/2024 18:29

ManilowBarry · 27/05/2024 20:11

I would ask for my money back as it was a wedding gift and no wedding will be taking place dow the foreseeable future and you're not giving them money just to host a party.

Awks

I'd consider the wedding gift given, so whenever they decide to sign the legal paperwork, and if they decide to have another do to celebrate the actual wedding, you don't need to give anything else.

ProverbialBoot · 28/05/2024 18:39

Duplicitous.

HouseofPies · 28/05/2024 18:50

They’re CF’s of the highest order or is it just the groom to be?

If it was my cousin, I’d be asking her if this is really what SHE wants or has she been manipulated into agreeing to it by her fiancé after the invitations were already sent out?

From what you’ve said, they told everyone they planned to get married a few days before the ‘wedding’ so why the sudden change of heart and effectively a sham ceremony if they’re not planning to tell all the guests?

They've been living together for years already so I don’t believe the story about a wedding abroad maybe next year. I’d be suspicious that he’s been caught cheating and she’s now got cold feet…

TBH, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole thing blows up in their faces and they break up.

DiduAye · 28/05/2024 19:05

How exactly is this impacting you and why are you so invested and upset about it Your aunt shouldn't have told your mother and your mother shouldn't have told you and let's hope Anna and James aren't their real names because you shouldn't have told their business on t'internet ! YABVU

LaurieFairyCake · 28/05/2024 19:07

lol

NOT a wedding, just a party where you get to pay for their holiday !!

Cheeky fuckers of the HIGHEST order !

Bet you A TENNER they don't get married and you'll all have just paid for them to go on holiday 😂

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/05/2024 19:09

Iwasafool · 27/05/2024 20:06

How judgemental. How does it affect her?

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It affects her because she is carrying out a legal function, she is not playing at marrying people.