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Original poster

Wedding without marriage

289 replies

DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 13:37

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

OP posts:
innerdesign · 27/05/2024 14:38

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:34

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

But what are you and they celebrating? You're not making a commitment until the legal ceremony. Divorces aside, I can't think of many reasons why you'd have to wait 9 months to book a registry office

CountingCrones · 27/05/2024 14:39

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:34

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

Why wouldn't you have the public celebration the same week as your legal wedding?
Do your friends and family know you won't be getting married for the best part of a year after your 'wedding'?

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 27/05/2024 14:42

Unbelievable CFs

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:42

innerdesign · 27/05/2024 14:38

But what are you and they celebrating? You're not making a commitment until the legal ceremony. Divorces aside, I can't think of many reasons why you'd have to wait 9 months to book a registry office

Show quote history

We are committing to each other by making promises publicly, and we want our family and friends round us. The reasons we can't do the legal bit are outing, so i won't share, but i can understand why you can't think of a reason! it's very annoying!

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:44

CountingCrones · 27/05/2024 14:39

Why wouldn't you have the public celebration the same week as your legal wedding?
Do your friends and family know you won't be getting married for the best part of a year after your 'wedding'?

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annoyingly it's too outing to give the reason. I've told my close friends and family that we can't do the legal bit and they understand that. Maybe we should tell everyone. i'll have a think!

Notthatcatagain · 27/05/2024 14:46

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:42

We are committing to each other by making promises publicly, and we want our family and friends round us. The reasons we can't do the legal bit are outing, so i won't share, but i can understand why you can't think of a reason! it's very annoying!

Show quote history

Then postpone it until you can be married, clearly from this thread doing one without the other will be seen as highly inappropriate by many

pikkumyy77 · 27/05/2024 14:46

I think its cf’ery to take out a loan for the fake wedding in order to raise cash for the exotic honeymoon. Essentially this is a massive grift masquerading as a wedding.

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:48

Notthatcatagain · 27/05/2024 14:46

Then postpone it until you can be married, clearly from this thread doing one without the other will be seen as highly inappropriate by many

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well, we can't postpone it at this stage, but this thread has given me good food for thought on if anyone who is coming doesn't know, and that we can make it clear to them, in case they're not happy.

Hillarious · 27/05/2024 14:48

Sounds like a storyline from The Archers.

BananaLambo · 27/05/2024 14:52

The whole point of a wedding is the legal bit. That’s the bit that creates a legal partnership between two people with rights and responsibilities in terms of property and joint children. The rest is just fluff. Once you strip away the flowers and cars and party and dresses and all the rest of the gumph, the only thing that’s important is the legally binding marriage certificate. If that’s not happening then there’s no point in going, unless you’re desperate to go to a big, expensive, party.

BoudiccaOfSuburbia · 27/05/2024 14:54

So they are still doing the humanist ceremony / exchange of vows at the wedding event?

I assume this is the bit that means most to them, the public declaration, as they made this the grand event rather than the registry office.

Humanist ceremonies can be very powerful and moving.

It really wouldn’t bother me that they tacked the legal bit on to their honeymoon.

People do things in different ways these days.

I wouldn’t fan the flames to create a family feud here, I would just be happy for them, enjoy the humanist ceremony and wedding event.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 27/05/2024 14:56

Yeah they are CFs but quite inventive ones - like PP said you've all been conned into paying for their destination wedding. I kinda admire the cheek if I'm honest!

I feel for your aunt though, she must be really embarrassed.

Like you say these legal ceremony plus separate humanist wedding celebrations are very common now, less so when me and DH did it. But custom hasn't changed - the legal marriage must be planned & booked within a day or two of the big do, otherwise guests would rightly feel miffed. I don't think it matters whether it's before or after the do but one should follow the other pretty closely.

Original poster
DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 14:58

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:34

hmmm... this is interesting. My fiance and I are having a wedding this year, and saying vows and having a celebration, even though we aren't going to be able to be legally married until a good 9 months after that (for very boring, practical reasons -- nothing to do with divorces or anything!). For us, we want to say the vows in front of our families and make a commitment, even though we won't be able to do the 'legal' bit for a while. I hope none of our friends or family feel upset or angry or deceived about this... we want them to celebrate with us, even though the legal bit will happen a while after. Could this be the case here?

Do your guests know that they are attending an elaborate engagement party and not a wedding? If so, I don't see a problem. If not, I think they would be entirely justified to feel angry and deceived if they find out.

Is there any reason why you can't wait until you can get married legally? Surely that would be the most sensible and honest thing to do.

OP posts:
Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 15:01

DelythBeautyQueen · 27/05/2024 14:58

Do your guests know that they are attending an elaborate engagement party and not a wedding? If so, I don't see a problem. If not, I think they would be entirely justified to feel angry and deceived if they find out.

Is there any reason why you can't wait until you can get married legally? Surely that would be the most sensible and honest thing to do.

Edited
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yes, there are good reasons (but outing as i said upthread). Everyone i've told so far has just been really happy for us and happy to celebrate with us. I can see people on this thread think it's wrong though, and that's helpful to know and to think through who doesn't know.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2024 15:02

I know two couples who didn't get married after planning weddings. Forking out for them to start to plan to get married is an engagement party/present. And typically that's smaller and cheaper than a wedding/present.

If they're waiting indefinitely, I'm not sure they will get married. It will all be mortifying for your aunt.

WrylyAmused · 27/05/2024 15:03

To throw an opposing view in... While they probably should tell people the reality of what's going on, I couldn't get this excited about it.

I'm with @Albatrossing that a wedding is to demonstrate, declare and celebrate your relationship in front of friends and family - people don't have this weird response to, for example, non legally binding Islamic weddings. They might tell the parties to make sure they have/get the legal protection a legal marriage gives, but no-one claims it's a sham.

Getting hung up on legalities which have nothing to do with you if you're not part of the couple seems very odd to me.

Equally, being upset about having gifted them something - you freely choose to gift, to celebrate their lives together. Why is it contingent on a legal contract you have no part of? And which has a 40% failure rate anyway...

You knew it would be spent on the "honeymoon", which is still just a fancy holiday. Especially given that most couples live together before marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly like they wouldn't have been on holiday together previously.

Ditto the commitment part - joint finances, mortgages, children often precede marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly the commitment it once was, start of a whole new life together away from the birth families.

And second and subsequent marriages are also commonly celebrated - where there's evidence the previous marriage relationships didn't work out, but no-one usually gets upset about that.

Bit odd, none of my business, shrug, enjoy the party, move on with life.

And... Would someone please explain why you wouldn't now go to the party? You've already sent the gift, so even if you thought it was cheeky of them, why wouldn't you go celebrate & enjoy the party? Presumably you're still friends with them....?

NCfor24 · 27/05/2024 15:05

innerdesign · 27/05/2024 14:14

Depends where you marry - they can in Scotland, not in England. I was going to say, we had a humanist wedding with a celebrant (legally binding as Scotland) but he warned us that he cannot dupe the guests, and if we missed the deadline for paperwork he could not pretend he was legally marrying us, it would be make clear it was a non-binding ceremony. So I'd be surprised if any of the guests are fooled.

Edited
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Was basically going to say this. In England and Wales the guests must not be led to believe they are witnesses to a legally binding marriage ceremony.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 27/05/2024 15:06

Yanbu.
Unless you can attend their non-wedding party at minimal expense, I think I wouldn't go. Let them know you wish them all the best but as the party isn't their wedding in any sense it's not going to be a priority to attend it.

burnoutbabe · 27/05/2024 15:07

DanielGault · 27/05/2024 13:50

It's really cringe AF. But it doesn't actually make a difference to you does it? I think it calls for an internal eyeroll (and open a book on how long the marriage lasts 😂)

But they may actually never marry? A lot can happen in 18 months.

Weedoormatnomore · 27/05/2024 15:07

Lots of marriages end in divorce before 9 or 18mths maybe it's a new fad to save on divorce fees.

Out of curiosity how long do people on married at first site have to be pretend married before they can legally marry?
Just the wedding with not actually getting married makes me thing of that program.

Lifelong · 27/05/2024 15:07

I can well imagine your aunts mortification.
If they hadn't asked for £300, it wouldn't be so bad.
But I would imagine you won't be the only invitee's who will feel duped and that they are major CF's.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/05/2024 15:13

Thepinkyponkc · 27/05/2024 13:45

Hmm so really … they are asking everyone to fund their wedding abroad?! They are having an abroad wedding but by having a pre party here and asking for money to pay for their abroad wedding they get it paid for… quite clever really 🤣

I mean I suppose it makes no odds to you either way as you’re going to their wedding party and it won’t be twice. But that’s what they’ve done- they’ve decided to marry abroad and everyone else fund it.

Not really.... because they are paying for the big non-wedding party themselves, so what they are doing isn't exactly saving them any money. (The OP said, "They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.")

To those asking what the point is - what's the point of any big party? This is just a big party, which the couple are paying for.

It's up to guests whether or not they are happy to attend or give gifts in the circumstances - so it will probably come down to how much they like the couple.

Jeezitneverends · 27/05/2024 15:14

innerdesign · 27/05/2024 14:14

Depends where you marry - they can in Scotland, not in England. I was going to say, we had a humanist wedding with a celebrant (legally binding as Scotland) but he warned us that he cannot dupe the guests, and if we missed the deadline for paperwork he could not pretend he was legally marrying us, it would be make clear it was a non-binding ceremony. So I'd be surprised if any of the guests are fooled.

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Ah-I’m in Scotland …so outwith Scotland it’s just a farce then

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 27/05/2024 15:15

WrylyAmused · 27/05/2024 15:03

To throw an opposing view in... While they probably should tell people the reality of what's going on, I couldn't get this excited about it.

I'm with @Albatrossing that a wedding is to demonstrate, declare and celebrate your relationship in front of friends and family - people don't have this weird response to, for example, non legally binding Islamic weddings. They might tell the parties to make sure they have/get the legal protection a legal marriage gives, but no-one claims it's a sham.

Getting hung up on legalities which have nothing to do with you if you're not part of the couple seems very odd to me.

Equally, being upset about having gifted them something - you freely choose to gift, to celebrate their lives together. Why is it contingent on a legal contract you have no part of? And which has a 40% failure rate anyway...

You knew it would be spent on the "honeymoon", which is still just a fancy holiday. Especially given that most couples live together before marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly like they wouldn't have been on holiday together previously.

Ditto the commitment part - joint finances, mortgages, children often precede marriage these days anyway, so it's not exactly the commitment it once was, start of a whole new life together away from the birth families.

And second and subsequent marriages are also commonly celebrated - where there's evidence the previous marriage relationships didn't work out, but no-one usually gets upset about that.

Bit odd, none of my business, shrug, enjoy the party, move on with life.

And... Would someone please explain why you wouldn't now go to the party? You've already sent the gift, so even if you thought it was cheeky of them, why wouldn't you go celebrate & enjoy the party? Presumably you're still friends with them....?

I agree.

Either the OP likes the couple enough to want to go along, or she doesn't. Nothing else is really relevant.

StormingNorman · 27/05/2024 15:17

Albatrossing · 27/05/2024 14:44

annoyingly it's too outing to give the reason. I've told my close friends and family that we can't do the legal bit and they understand that. Maybe we should tell everyone. i'll have a think!

Show quote history

You should tell everyone.