Wedding without marriage

[DelythBeautyQueen]

My cousin who lives in North East England was supposed to be getting married next month.

Attending won't be cheap, but we were looking forward to celebrating Anna's and James' special day.

They will have all the trappings of an extravagant wedding. They are not wealthy and have taken out a large loan to pay for for it.

The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago.

They originally intended to have the legal marriage ceremony in their local registry office a day or two before the wedding celebration and a non-legal humanist ceremony on the day. I know this is a fairly common thing nowadays and had no problem with it.

I found out last night Anna and James have decided to have the legal ceremony while on honeymoon, not before the "wedding". I wouldn't see this as too much of a problem if they were going straight on honeymoon from the wedding, but they are not.

It turns out that they haven't even booked the honeymoon yet and intend to go "sometime next year".

The "wedding" next month will go ahead exactly as planned. The bride and groom do not intend to tell guests that they won't actually be married. The only reason I know is because my aunt is very upset and told her sister (my mum).

I know that a few members of the family are stretching financially to attend this "wedding" for a couple that will not be married at the end of it and probably won't be married for as much as 18 months after it.

Am I being unreasonable for being angry about this. That we have been deceived into attending a sham wedding?

I think it’s deceitful. People are giving them money in good faith. Guests have been told the couple are having the legal ceremony before the party and have a right to know this isn’t the case before they part with their money.

So are they going to dress up as a bride and groom, to pretend to everyone, or will they be honest and tell all the guests that they're just paying for a holiday for them sometime next year?
It seems like someone got cold feet, maybe, and doesn't want the tie of marriage but is happy to have a fancy party and lie to all their friends and family!!

I Don't really understand why people get hung up on the legal part....it only affects the couple.
They could have no legal marriage at all and it wouldn't bother me.

But I don't understand doing the legal part 18 months later abroad. It give no benefits at all.

For me the legal part is the point. All the gushy 'undying love', 'soulmate' etc declarations are just so much hot air.

Without the legal bit, the actual commitments of children and mortgage are commitments to the children and to the mortgage company.

Not doing the legal part and trying to pass off a fake ceremony as a wedding feels dishonest to me.

A wedding is a marriage ceremony and celebration of the public commitment to the institution of marriage.

If they're not getting married it's not a wedding.

It may be a celebration of their love for each other & their personal commitment and it may imitate the traditions of a wedding, but it isn't a wedding.

Marriage is a very particular thing. It's legal and binding and a key institution of our society.

If people want a 'celebration of our love party' they should find a term for that otherwise it does seem like they are misleading people.

Nailed it. One of them got cold feet.

That one of them has cold feet was my first thought.

The couple have been together for 15 years and lived together for 10. I have no doubt they love each other, but I know marriage is important to Anna than James.

They decided to get married because they are in their late 30s and want to start a family. James is happy to have children outside marriage, but Anna is not.

I am now wondering if whatever was causing James' reluctance before has resurfaced.

They are both keen to have children though, which I would have thought is a bigger commitment than marriage.

Hopefully, I'm wrong and the lure of a romantic, private ceremony in an exotic location is their true motivation.

You're not being unreasonable. It's rather odd that they aren't getting married. I have friends who had two weddings one in the UK and one in Vegas to get married by Elvis. They could afford it though and weren't asking for gifts or taking loans. I thought that was extravagant, but it wasn't my money. In this case, it is your money and seems it's being sought under false pretences.

@DelythBeautyQueen that was my thought exactly that cold feet and kids were coming into it somehow, sadly if they’ve been together that long that’s not a good sign! I do hope Anna sticks to her guns and ensures she is legally married before a baby arrives as that’s the surest way to put the honeymoon and legal ceremony on hold for ever.

I'm with you @DelythBeautyQueen it's just a big party as far as I am concerned. Would I travel a long way and pay to stay over for a cousin's party? Quite possibly, to be honest, as I only have 2 first cousins and I am close to them both. But I certainly wouldn't be giving them money for it!

And the fact that they are not telling the truth about what is actually taking place immediately makes me think they know full well that what they are doing is underhand and deceitful.

I once paid for a photographer at one of DHs BFFs wedding because they couldn’t afford it.

Marriage lasted three months.

Honestly in these situations you’re pissing money up the wall either way so don’t overthink it and go enjoy the day.

If people knew it was just a big party they may well have made different decisions about the use of their money and yes Id be seriously pissed having handed over a big chunk of money as a wedding gift to people who now weren't getting married and didn't know exactly when. The gifts and the guests are coming under false pretences.
eta: Id want my £300 back and they can have when they actually get married.

So they've taken out a big loan to cover the cost of the party.

Wedding gifts are helping to fund the holiday which isn't yet booked.

They're keen to start a family.

I bet you £300 that the holiday never takes place.

Very true.

Don't you usually give a gift for a wedding or even an engagement party? I don't think the OPs £300 is paying for a lavish party plus holiday abroad and the OP didn't suggest they asked for £300, she could have sent a tenner.

The OP states "The bride and groom asked guests to give them money for their honeymoon in the Caribbean instead of gifts. We were happy to do that and sent them £300 a few weeks ago."

When they do the 'legal' bit, at some unspecified date in the future, will they remember that their guests have already given wedding presents, or will they expect more?

It wouldn't matter to me whether it was legally binding or not. Most religious ceremonies other than Christian are not legally binding. It's up to the couple to sort out the legalities. I've never given anyone £300 or spent anywhere near that on a wedding gift. The point is you get to celebrate with them. A lot better than asking everyone to pay to come to the legal ceremony abroad, which would cost a lot more than a gift.

Seems crazy to get a massive loan to pay for an extravagant wedding but then not actually get married, start "married" life with massive debt then throw children in to that mix.

I don't think the bride will ever get the groom down that aisle! And I don't think your 300 quid will be spent on a honeymoon either.

We had our legal ceremony the day before our wedding so I don’t think it necessarily has to happen on the same day. But this is way over that! They’re basically having a party and asking you to give them an abroad wedding as a present!

This is CRAZY!

And what if they break up?

So this party is basically a crowdfunded for them to get married abroad at some point…which may or may not happen

I don't understand why people care or bother about this, nor whether the couple stays together after any ceremony, "wedding" or not.

Unless it was a very close relative I would not want to travel overseas and spend all that money on someone's actual wedding. I would find that personally a lot more selfish and difficult a request than what this couple are actually doing, getting married at home, even if it is "married".

You give a card, money or gift, you go to the wedding or "wedding". It's the same whatever whether they have their honeymoon or actual ceremony straight after or a year after.

If they split up, so what. What are you going to do, ask for a refund?

If they ask for more money or attendance at future ceremonies just feel free to say no at that point.

I think you should have told everyone, yes. As important as it might be to you, it’s a party not a wedding and I think it’s important to make that clear if you’re expecting people to travel/spend money/use up AL etc.

Are you having another celebration in 9 months time, or are you literally just going to a registry office with two witnesses? If it’s the latter then I’d probably keep quiet as it’s all been arranged.