Dirty.

[Alittlelostinlifeisi]

I usually wash things when I notice they’re dirty, and I am a bit shortsighted and I observant so it probably takes me longer than most to notice. I wash bedclothes on each bed once a month or 2. I wash my floors every month or 2. I wash my bathrooms every month or 2. I wash my hair once a week. I shower or bath at least once daily but I wash my children about once a week. I work full time in a job that entirely zaps my energy and really struggle with my energy level when I come home hence the washing self to feel better. I feel disgusting. My car is filthy. My wardrobes are a mess. I have too much stuff to keep it all in order. I have always a pile of usually clean laundry just not folded and I never iron. I do keep the dishwasher and washing machine going and the basic kitchen ok, but don’t look in the cupboards or oven or air fryer. Does anyone have any useful judgements or advice for me to not be so lazy😳 am I being unreasonable to think that most people do not live like this?

Meh. 40 years ago kids were lucky to wash once a week. They don't need daily showers unless they're grubby. I'd up to twice, but that's ok.

Obviously a typo @Garlicnaan You meant 140 years ago.

No judgment here, no need to feel shame. You are overwhelmed and sometimes those feelings makes things feel that they’re impossible, but I think as you clearly want to change things you’ll be able to.

As everyone else is saying, start small and set up a routine for yourself. There are so many good suggestions here to get you on track. I’ve found that since having my second child that routine for everything is the only way to survive.

One thing I do that I don’t feel 100% great about (For the environment and energy bills), is that I won’t always do full washing machine or dishwasher loads and instead do what I have there at the time that doing both tasks fits into my routine. This is because I have small children (under 1 and 3), I don’t expect it to be a forever habit.

Big respect to you OP that you are still reading.

This stuff is never black and white, it's all shades of grey. You don't become a neglectful parent if you go 8 days without mopping the floor rather than 7. I would aim for incremental changes. Don't set yourself unrealistic goals - that is setting yourself up to fail. Definitely changing the bedding on the first of the month would be better than doing it every 1-2 months. Bathing the kids twice a week is better than just once. Just washing pillowcases, and maybe sheets, more frequently is a really good idea. @Notthegodofsmallthings 's ideas for 10 mins a day are great. Aim for progress, not perfection.

Atomic Habits says habits are built from doing something consistently - the phrase is keep showing up. Clean something every day, even if it's only for 2 mins on a bad day. Hopefully on better days it'll be more.

Yes, you absolutely can expect that! You,just need to specify that and agree a higher charge for the first clean before th8ngs move to maintenance (a bit like with a gardener)

It's basic hygiene to bathe them daily.

Everyone always goes on about their skin but put in mild bath products designed for children's skin and they are fine.
No-one is talking about scrubbing them and children's baths are shallow for safety.

They need their bottoms etc washed daily anyway and paediatricians recommend daily bathing and clean clothes to reduce illness.
I can't imagine just putting children to bed with no bath it was part of their routine !

Sorry if I've missed this @Alittlelostinlifeisi but

a) are you a single mum?
b) could you afford a cleaner for 2 hours a week?

@Sadsadworld thank you.

Thank you @groyard

Eh? So should she be twiddling her thumbs once she's finished the basic tasks?

It took me about 6 years to get him to pull his weight, spurred to action by me absolutely losing the plot with him and giving him an ultimatum of sorts. I suppose was playing nice good wife like the ‘good girl’ I was brought up to be should and it suited him till I woke from that nonsense. He does the bathrooms some weeks (he says but it’s a lot patchier than that) and maybe a third of the laundry. He is very involved with the children so I can’t fault him. He has come a long way. Like someone said, if I left it to him we would live in even worse filth so it’s up to me. I want to make our home beautiful and lovely for our family. This is a new perspective for me. It’s a journey and everyone who has responded here has helped enormously.

If he is very involved with the children, maybe he can shower the two youngest every other day.

@HollyKnight i could have written this. Thank you.

I'm 40 and we were bathed weekly until puberty when we swapped to daily showers. I don't think that's unusual. I certainly never felt unusual among my peers.

As an adult I'm perfectly fragrant I assure you.

No pets @Freysimo 🙌

@iAmBarbara love this 🥰

@TwinklyRoseTurtle amazing, so many things are coming up here that resonate. I have had low iron and taken supplements, all part of the awakening to the issue I think 🫶🏻

You're quite ageist, aren't you @SwingingPonytail?

@Howbizarre22 hilarious, you made me laugh so much 🤣 🤍

That's not usual.

A lot of my friends have children now aged 35-40 and they all had a bath daily.

You weren't usual.

I’m a disabled single parent with chronic pain so severe that I have to take morphine each day. I still manage to hoover each day, do laundry each day, wash myself and my son every other day. I have a cleaning day every single Sunday which I change bed covers, clean the bathroom, kitchen etc. I had major surgery on a Monday, came home from hospital wheelchair bound the Tuesday and by the Wednesday I was cleaning my home all on my own. I struggle, as stated I have severe chronic pain that I’m often crying in agony each day but I still manage to keep on top of things. I get it can be mental health conditions preventing people from doing it- but I feel a lot of people make it an excuse.

@Alittlelostinlifeisi I think you've replied to my question in a round about way.

Their dad is at home.

Can you sit down and work on this together?

Draw up a list of all the chores that ever need doing.

Divide the list into chores that need to be done -

daily
weekly
fortnightly
monthly
once in a blue moon

Then create a His & Hers list based on that.

Print it off and pin it on the wall/fridge etc and tick it off each day.

If you're both working full time and have 3 kids, is there enough money for £20 a week for a cleaner? You might get 2 hours for that (depending where you live.)

There is no way you should be doing this yourself or your partner not pulling his weight.

You’ll be ok OP. Just get into a routine

I don’t know, is she partly overwhelmed because she is just putting a load of unnecessary pressure on herself? It’s too easy to miss out on our children growing up because we get fixated on things like cleaning, only she will know where the line is but there’s nothing shameful about what she’s currently doing in my opinion

@Aria999 this might help me stay on top of it, thank you!

I agree with the idea of a routine and not trying to do too much. My wife is now disabled and can hardly walk without help so I need to do everything.
We pay a cleaner to come every four weeks (to be accurate it is 2 cleaners who come for one and a half hours). This means that I tidy up ready for them. I strip the bed and they remake it so it does get changed every four weeks.
Just having this regular push makes it so much easier. It costs me £41 each time but would take longer, and cost more, for a bigger house.