Do you check your partner’s phone?

[IncognitoUsername]

Or, what would happen if you asked to?
Following on from a few threads today, just made me curious. DH and I are regularly on each other’s phones - doing a pizza order, Funky Pigeon etc or sharing a meme that someone has sent. DH’s phone automatically connects to the car so all his WhatsApp’s etc come through onto the screen. We both have a passcode but it’s the same one so could easily open each other’s phone if we wanted to.

Would a partner having a locked down phone make you automatically suspicious?

People think that if your partner objects to going on their phone - they’re hiding something. But often it’s because a phone has essentially our life and it’s like peeking into our brain. For example, I wouldn’t want someone to see the random list of notes I have or the random photo I took then proceed to delete later or the search history of trying to google what a random word means which makes me sound dumb. My phone is such a personal thing to me, and unless I hand them my phone with an app open then I don’t think it’s fair going through someone’s personal phone to snoop.

Plus I am saying this as someone who had been cheated on multiple times and went through my ex’s phone. When you get to the point of feeling like you need to search for evidence on their phone - then that relationship is not for you. Whether it’s because of insecurities, that’s not fair to project that on a person. And if it is regarding the fear your partner is cheating - then they gave you a reason to feel that way… COMMUNICATE that rather than trying to find it out for yourself.

I go in DH's phone if he's taken photos of the kids when we've been out & I want to send them over to myself. I also read messages if there about plans that involve us both (eg. If we're meeting his parents & I want to check time/place). Sometimes I'll go in if there's something on an email I need, like insurance policy numbers, booking confirmations or parcel pick up coads.

I don't nosey throw it or go on his phone when I don't have a reason to,
although there would be nothing to stop me from seeing anything whilst doing any of the above.

We don’t use or look at each other’s phones. His is much too large for my teeny tiny hands and my phone is much too small for his massive hands. That sounds silly writing it, but to me I just can’t stand touching large phones and he wouldn’t be able to use my key pad as it’s made for child size fingers according to him.

I have never ever wanted to, never felt the need to and absolutely would never check my dh's phone. If you're at the point of needing to check it's over.

101#% YES

Those seeking "privacy" are IMO total and absolute shit

If you have nothing to hide, there then is no problem unless the OH messes with the settings and or not savvy and could accidental delete important stuff - but I've yet to meet someone like that

Sometimes he asks me to look at it when he is driving and something goes through

quite often he leaves it with me to have a look at when he is ordering drinks or something

i don’t check to see what he is up to or if he isn’t around and has left his phone unattended

he goes on my phone to look at some of my apps like money off restaurant type things

Nope, I've never checked his phone, and I never would. I don't know his passcode & he doesn't know mine. I don't think it would ever happen, but if he asked for my password or to look at my phone, the answer would be a big fat NO.

This thread has surprised me a bit. Dh and I are totally open with our phones and we both sometimes use the other one's phone to order things, look at photos etc. sometimes if I'm driving I'll ask him to reply to a text from my phone or message the place we're going to say we'll be late or whatever. I've never found it a big deal and didn't realise it was unusual. If someone sends me messages that I know they wouldn't want him to see (friends messaging about relationships etc) I'll just say to him not to open messages from x person. Not that he particularly would open messages but in general I don't mind if he does so I make sure to let him know if there's messages he shouldn't read. I trust DH and he trusts me and I've never felt the need to hide my phone from him, I've never really thought about it!

No, just like I wouldn't open a letter addressed to him.

OP was not saying that - OP was chatting about openese and sharing as per OP

Read the OP again to recognise what OP is saying

If you have nothing to hide, no need to keep secret your password - me and my OH sahe the same passwords on all of our devices and our kids know them as well

No and nothing would ever make me

‘Blind’ trust might be overrated, but I think there’s a different between blind trust, and trust that’s based on what you know of your partner and how they’re behaving.

I’ve been cheated on twice, and in both cases by men I actually didn’t trust. They had ‘potential cheat’ written all over them. That’s why, after that, I pretty much decided not to have relationships with the kinds of people whose phones I’d feel the need to snoop through - my experience of being cheated on has been with the men I didn’t trust, not the men I did.

I have absolutely nothing to hide and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life. But I could NOT live with someone who apparently thought so little of me that they had to read my private conversations to be assured that I wasn’t shagging around.

I’m not judging your approach at all - if that works for you and your husband and you’re both happy to sacrifice a bit of privacy for the sake of reassuring each other that you’re not playing away, that’s obviously fine. We’re all different! But I personally would feel absolutely suffocated and insulted if my DP felt he had to go through my phone to check I wasn’t having affairs.

It was very obvious.

I'm not really interested in DH's phone, I doubt he is interested in mine

I don't look at/use my husband's phone and he doesn't look at mine or use it.

We both have passwords that the other doesn't know and that's how I/we prefer it.

I value my privacy and he does mine.

Trust is key in a relationship.

What? I have some privacy in my relationship because I'm a separate person from my DH and we each have lives of our own. I'd feel stifled if we had to share every single detail of our lives with each other.

Nope

DH's is an android Motorola so I wouldn't know where anything is anyway on it, also it never looks very fresh to handle so I would probably have to wipe it first.

Absolutely, some things should be private

Nah it really wasn't. It just sounded like a typical iphones are the only phones comment

We can use each other's phones if we want to. I don't check his. I'm confident he doesn't esnt check mine either.

No, I wouldn’t have his face ID and I’d think it was stalking

I understand and agree with that but I guess I am older, we are older. However, having said that, AFAIK, their is nothing private between me and my OH from the weeks before we were engaged.

The OP and I was talking about mobile phone and I was referring to that, but it came across a mistypeo - so its hiding, not sharing the mobile device password

As long as you are both happy, good

NB: I've not only read but know of people inc a family member where it is keeping the phone close to ones chest and getting angry even if the OH picks it up is IMO a good give away they are up to no good

We have nothing to hide, it’s just for my DH and I, we are at the level of trust that neither of us ever feels a need to go seeking for something that might be hidden.

Hide and seek is a mind game where you only need to seek if you suspect someone is hiding themselves or something from you.

This isn’t the open/shared phone approach either. That is also neither hiding nor seeking, because the couple are borrowing the phone as a tool to do something they want to do like messages, GPS, make a call.

Alot of us just don’t want to borrow the other’s phone as a tool, so we have no cause to use each other’s phones.

It’s the regular looking through each others’ phones that evinces distrust.

Not that - but when the other is occupied and or your phone is misplaced etc - nothing wrong with sharing passwords - but as you said, 'having to look' - I agree there is no need for sneak previews as openness and honesty is required and that inc not keeping passwords secret IMO