Do you check your partner’s phone?

[IncognitoUsername]

Or, what would happen if you asked to?
Following on from a few threads today, just made me curious. DH and I are regularly on each other’s phones - doing a pizza order, Funky Pigeon etc or sharing a meme that someone has sent. DH’s phone automatically connects to the car so all his WhatsApp’s etc come through onto the screen. We both have a passcode but it’s the same one so could easily open each other’s phone if we wanted to.

Would a partner having a locked down phone make you automatically suspicious?

If I can’t be arsed to get mine I’ll use his, and sometimes look at his photos of things we’ve done together. Don’t look at messages, I don’t want to know the ins and outs of working in a hospital, all the illness is quite scary!

I’ve checked his whatapp once as I needed an email address sent it to him not me 🤷‍♀️ and he was in the shower I did ask first

Other than that I have once or twice mainly looking for photos or an email with the car insurance details on it as I have no idea what the passwords are.

I know his passcode and he knows mine, we both have each others faces on Face ID.

He welcome to look at mine nothing on it tho just photos of the kids and dogs 🤣

Yes, exactly this ... ^ I have my phone and DH has his ... I never look at his and he never looks at mine. We both have PINs on there to get into the phone (and also to access our laptops.) I don't know his for his phone OR his laptop, and he doesn't know mine.

I think it's very bizarre to go to your husband's phone to order pizza. I'm pretty sure most people have their own phone closer. It just seems like an excuse to look through his phone ... I don't want my husband looking through my phone - and although he hasn't said he wouldn't want me looking through his, I wouldn't anyway, as I don't want him looking through mine.

I have conversations on Whatsapp with my daughter, and 3 best friends that I wouldn't want my husband to look at. And sometimes I buy him gifts for Father's Day, wedding anniversary, birthday, Christmas etc, and I get Amazon and eBay notifications popping up - and it will give it away to him what I have got.

I have a diary, and I have three penfriends who I write to, and my diary and letters are all private as well. I wouldn't want him snooping through them either. My phone is private and part of it is like a diary to me ... (Whatsapp messages and normal messages.) Just because you're a married couple of 20 or 30 years, that doesn't mean you need each other's passcodes/PINs to your phones, so you can go snooping and mooching around in each other's phones.

It's just a bit weird to me. I know a marriage can't survive on lots of secrets, but there's no secrets between me and my husband. It's just privacy. (OK, maybe there's a few little trivial secrets, but everyone is entitled to those!)

I'd go absolutely crazy if I thought I couldn't have my privacy. As a previous poster said, I think couples who are supposedly 'transparent' and have everything open, and have each others passwords for everything - THEY are the ones that don't trust each other - because they seem desperate to be able to look at their partner's private stuff.

As another poster said, if your partner's going to have an affair, they'll have one whether you've got the passcodes to their phone or not. Some people would just use another phone, or message people on the laptop - keeping contact by email or something.

Never. His phone is his, mine is mine. And he's such a technophobe that he can't even open my Samsung let alone use it

This. Privacy is fundamental, even in a marriage.

No

Oh my god it was a joke!! . But it still stands that I don’t know how to work his one!!

I wouldn’t ask to look at this phone but I know his passcode and I would use it if necessary like setting sat nav if he’s driving

I know his passcode and I will use his if I’ve left mine upstairs for example. Plus, I’ve been burnt before (blind trust is frankly over rated) so yes, I occasionally have a nose around (which he is aware of and doesn’t care about). He can also look at mine if he wants, I’ve nothing to hide. If he locked down his phone, I’d want to know why, because that is not “usual” for us.

I think if someone feels the need to check their partner’s phone the relationship is over and it’s best ended.

I can’t imagine anything as depressing as being in a relationship where there isn’t any trust.

No. Because I don’t know his passcode. And he doesn’t check mine, for the same reason.

We trust each other, because neither of us has any reason not to. And we both believe the other has the right to some privacy.

Don't you have private conversations with you friends on your phone?

No, never. Years ago, when I was 20, I suspected my boyfriend at the time was flirting with other women and maybe more than that. I checked his phone which confirmed my suspicion. However the relationship was already not great, and it made me realise that I should have known the relationship had run its course without snooping on him. I've never checked a partner's phone since.

what would happen if you asked to?

If I asked to "check" it? He'd probably find that very strange. He probably wouldn't refuse but would be annoyed and want a conversation.

But I'm fine to use it if mine isn't to hand. I know the passcode and he has no issue with me picking it up to check the weather or google something. I'm the same with him using my phone.

If I were having an affair I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be leaving evidence of it on my phone. Nor would I have a list of all my victims if I were a mass murderer.

I could if I wanted to. We share the same passcode.

Don't want to though 😆

I would never look at his and he'd never look at mine.

As PP have said, marriage doesn't mean you lose your right to privacy.

We have access to each other’s phones but I don’t look at his and I presume he doesn’t look through mine. If I asked to look at his phone he would let me, and I would allow him. If I had reasonable suspicions of him cheating then yes I probably would look at his phone – self preservation.

I don't know DH's pass code but why would I need it? Surely if people are sharing phones a cheating partner would just have a separate one anyway.

We both know each others passwords and will use each others phone depending on who’s connected to the speaker to choose the next song or whatever.
Sometimes when driving he’ll ask me to text someone from his phone.
But I’ve never checked it, not sure what I’d be looking for - never had a reason I’ve thought I wanted to check it.
No idea if he’s checked mine, both of us tend to leave them next to our beds on charge in the evenings, so he could if he wanted to and I’d never know.
He’d mostly find a lot of boring messages to and from friends and all my safari browser would be MN/clothes/space nk - nothing that would interest him!

I’ve never checked my partner’s phone and he’s never checked mine. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to either of us to ask, and after 21 years together I’m pretty sure he’d think I’d lost my mind if I suddenly demanded to see his WhatsApps - I certainly would think he’s gone mad if he asked me the same!

No idea what his passcode is but neither of us is secretive about phones, particularly. He’s asked me to send a text from his phone a couple of times when he’s been driving. He’ll pass his phone over to me to add my dishes to a Deliveroo order, that kind of thing. Neither of us put our phones face down, or hide notifications or anything. But we don’t know each other’s passcodes and I don’t really pay any attention to what he’s doing on his phone. I use my phone a lot and he’s never asked me what I’m doing or who I’m messaging.

Well that wasn't obvious in your post 🤷🏻‍♀️

We both have passcodes but know each others. We both use the other one’s phone sometimes - the most frequent example I can think is if we go out for the day, he always takes better pictures then if he’s driving home I’ll have a scroll through them and send the ones I like best to myself.

Never snooped, never felt the need and nor would he. Was a very different story with my ex but then there was a fair bit wrong with that relationship looking back.

If he felt he needed/ wanted to look he’d be welcome to, but I think it would be a sign that something had gone wrong for us somewhere and I’d want to address that.

Never checked, or wanted to check technophobe dh’s phone. I imagine it will be full of texts from other people with him replying either “ok”, 👍🏻, or 😂. As that is all he ever texts me!

I know his passcode as I setup any new phones etc, but have never used it.

I've had to set up my DH's new phone today as he is a total technophobe who fucked stuff up trying to do it himself. This involved full access to his texts and email accounts, while I reset all the passwords he can't remember.

So I assume there was nothing there he was uncomfortable with me seeing, even though I did ask him if I was going to spot anything iffy!