My mum is ‘inviting’ herself on my family holiday and taking over my life AIBU?

[Whatthefuckwasthat]

I am sorry if this post seems rambled, I’m currently spiralling.
There’s a huge backstory to this which is why it may not make complete sense.

Growing up my mum was an alcoholic. She had long periods is sobriety and always tried to fight it but would always relapse and go on a bender for several days until she reached rock bottom and the cycle would continue.

When sober she is very loving, kind and thoughtful. She is intelligent, personable and goes out of her way to help people. When drunk is a very different person and has done and said some extreme awful/hurtful things. I have siblings but we are not close.

After university I moved to the other side of the country. Here, entirely from scratch, I built a career and made lots of friends who became my family. I met my DP and we’ve gone on to have 2 kids.

Through this my mum continued to be up and down with alcohol. When she was on the bottle she’d ring me and be volatile and cause chaos within the family back home. Then when she’d sober up she’d resume back to lovely daily phone calls and visits to see me.

When she was on drink I was so happy to have the distance and ‘new life’ I’d created for myself.

From 2017 - 21 she had several mental breakdowns which I supported but subsequently caused me a great deal of pain. Shes never had many friends and the few contacts she had she lost through her volatile drunken behaviour as well as a lot of the family which she’s never been able to reconcile.

Since then she’s drank less and less and now been a year sober and is into fitness and wellness. She then came into some money and decided to buy a house in my new town as well as keeping her other house the other side of the country to live between the two.
She said this was so we can be closer and she can see the grandchildren grow up.

In theory this is good as when she is sober we’re close and enjoy each others company. However now it’s happened issues are starting to show.

Shes pretty much latched onto me and the life I’ve built for myself as her ‘social’ life. Shes come to my partners family events and tried to befriend my in-laws.
Shes come to an event hosted by one of my friends.
Shes decided she’s going to spend Christmas up here and with me and my family without asking me just assuming it would be okay. Me and DP have either hosted or been hosted with his family every year and decided this year was just gonna be ‘us’, but she’s railroaded herself into this.

Dont get me wrong she’s the definition of ‘introvert’ so has never been one for friends outside of family and isn’t at mine at everyday or anything but expects to be invited to all events and occasions.

I can’t lie, I feel resentful. This is MY life and my sanctuary that I built when I had nothing. My issues as an adult have all stemmed from her and her drinking growing up. I feel torn. I love her so much but I feel such mixed emotions.

Me and DP booked our first family holiday abroad next year. I told her when she popped over as I was excited and she said ‘oh I’ll come, I don’t have anyone to holiday with’ and I had to say I don’t think it’s a good idea as I don’t think DP would appreciate me just tagging on his mother in-law. My mum then said she’d babysit a couple of nights so we could go out and keep to herself a lot and not expect to go on any days out but would be nice to have someone to sit near the pool by during the day as she’s found her solo holidays lonely.
I again reiterated I don’t think DP would buy it and she didn’t get the hint and so I said I’d ask him but don’t be offended if he says no. She said she wouldn’t be. This was on Friday.

Of course my DP said no. I wouldn’t expect him to ever say yes.

Now I’m going over there this afternoon and I’ve been sick with anxiety all weekend. Feeling guilty and worried she’ll be upset and feel like shit about herself.

I also feel low level anger for her putting me in this situation. Why invite yourself?!
I also have low level anger about a lot of shit from the past and how she’s now overtaking my future.

I was thinking this is the time that whilst I tell her about a no to the holiday I also tell her how I’m feeling and about how we go about the future. But how?!

How on earth do I word so that she understands without badly hurting her? I don’t want her to relapse but I need her to understand fully how the past has really affected me as an adult that I’m still healing from. That I need some boundaries. I just don’t know how to even explain it as it’s all so emotive.

On top of this I just feel so guilty and like a bad daughter. I just don’t know what to do. But I feel sick.

I think you should include her on Christmas day!!

But other than that, yeh, she has to understand that she's welcome when she's invited.

This is too much because you don’t seem emotionally ready to have that deep discussion yet.

I think it should be simple: “DH and I talked and bringing other people along on this holiday does not work for us. Maybe some other time, but not this one.”

No more details, which means there is nothing to argue about. “It doesn’t work for us.” Keep repeating that.

You can also say, that’s not the kind of holiday we envisioned.

If it is any help slowly stop sharing or chatting about parts of your life with her. If she arrives over continue with housework or attending to other issues eg getting ready for work or school. Do this on every occasion. Keep phone calls and texts short and polite and discussing the weather/ how lovely the garden is or a park you walked in.....mundane banal but conversational things. Do it all slowly.

If she visits/"pops in" repeat the above process. She may have "drama/news/ gossip" to discuss just acknowledge it with a nod without responding/gasping aloud or offering her more information. You are not responsible for her feelings. You are not her crutch. You are a person in your own right. You have "cut her so much slack" it has had huge implications on your family life.

You sound scared of the backlash from her of guilt/anger/ and "all she has done for you"....emotional manipulation is being used on you. Be aware of that when it occurs then be polite/firm gentle and say "this is the way it is going to be Mum". Best of luck

This

How does DM even know about social events, unless you’re letting her know.

So sorry your in this situation OP. Hope today has gone OK for you xx

You sound really amazing, OP. There's lots of good advice on this thread.

I agree with people who have said that setting your boundaries (eg no coming on your family holiday) is even more important than sending the letter at this point. While it's fair enough that you want to make your feelings heard, the letter is justifying your actions and feelings, and actually you don't even need to justify them: you're completely in the right. In short, what you DO with respect to her at this point is more important than what you say.

Going to Al-Anon (the organisation for family members of alcoholics) might be helpful for you. There's a lot of stuff about detaching from the alcoholic and not rescuing them all the time (which is a form of enabling their alcoholism). For instance, you bent over backwards trying to help your DM get to the christening, even when she was going back and forth on whether or not she was coming. You could have left it to her to arrange her own lift and get herself there: if she had really wanted to, she could have done it!

Similarly, she needs to start taking responsibility for forming her own friendship networks. Obviously it's easier for her to act like a parasite and try to infiltrate your friendship circles, but it will be far healthier and more satisfying for her in the end if she finds a couple of hobbies or shared interests and forges her own social bonds.

You also seem to have a lot of shame around having an alcoholic parent. While this is understandable, it's really not something for you to be ashamed of. It's not your fault. Alcoholism is a terrible illness and it affects all strata of society and all walks of life. I say this not to exculpate your DM of responsibility, because only she can get well and stay sober, but alcohol is a highly addictive substance and lots of people don't manage to permanently get out of the hell that is addiction.

If people were asking where your DM was at the christening, I would not be ashamed to tell people that she had had an alcoholic relapse. Or a relapse of alcohol use disorder, to use the current NHS term. Or if you don't want to share so much info with people you know less well, you could say she has a chronic illness (true). The point is, it's not your job to cover for her and try to minimise the damage she does. Detach, detach, detach. I know it's hard in practice, but in the long run it's the best thing for you and for her.

Good luck. I kind of identify with your story from both sides, because I had abusive parents who parentified me, and as an adult I developed a drinking problem. Today I'm sober and have been going to AA meetings for over 10 years.

Stop telling your mum stuff and if necessary, stop seeing her.

Also, if you stop letting her control your life, you won't have as much resentment towards her, and that will open up the possibility of a relationship on more genuine terms (as opposed to a relationship where you tiptoe around her and bottle up your own feelings).

You are not being a bad daughter by detaching from her and setting boundaries. You are doing what will ultimately help her most in the long run. But ultimately the choice to lead an emotionally healthy life is one that only she can make for herself. 💐

Wondering how does an alcoholic afford to buy two houses

Alcoholism doesn't check bank balances before getting a hold of someone, every strata of society is susceptible.

This seems like excellent advice. She is trampling all over your life. You know that she WILL relapse sooner or later.

I had one horrendous holiday with my mum where she said she would help me with my young kids but she was so much more work than both the kids put together and she criticised everything I did. After that I just booked holidays on my own with the kids and didn't tell anyone until the week before. If she said "I'll come with you and help with the kids" I just said thanks but I need to spend some time with just me and the children. That was the end of it. She had no intention of helping me so I just didn't entertain the idea. There was no point explaining her behaviour to her as she would just deny it.

Also, if she is running roughshod over your time boundaries, get in first. “I’m not going to be able to see you this weekend because we are busy doing family things.” (Have a list of tedious things outside of the home - made up if necessary - just in case she interrogates you.) Or just tell her the truth. “Mum, we need some space this weekend. We’ll see you next week.”

Just say we have discussed it and want out first family holiday to be be just us. If you want to write the rest out and hand it to her if she kicks off fine but it's a lot to say out loud and I think she will probably not hear it by the sounds of things.

How are you getting on now @Whatthefuckwasthat? Have you broken the news to your mother that she isn't getting to tag along on your holiday?

I cannot ever envisage a time when I will invite myself on holiday with my grown up kids.
WTF

This. I used to work for the NHS in a very wealthy part of the UK. not London. A large percentage of our patients with alcohol abuse issues were very very wealthy retired people whose lives had revolved around their employment and the socialisation required by their employment. Once they had retired and the job vamished, all that was left was the golf club or the country club, the lunches and dinner parties and the alcohol.

I agree with everyone who says don’t tell her what you’re doing. If she gets upset when you say no, she’ll just have to be upset. One of you will be upset anyway, so if you know you’re in the right, don’t let it be you.

Hi OP.

I haven't RTFT but have read all of your posts.

Agree with other posters that I'm unsure whether or not opening it up to a wider discussion would be good or bad.

I started a thread a few days ago on people inviting themselves to things and the consensus seems to be stop giving them any details.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5119796-do-you-invite-yourself-places?page=5&reply=136847037

I know that thay can be really tiresome though.

I know you've said she's an introvert, but she's seeing crashing your plans as a solution to socialising, maybe if you stepped back from offering details she would have to look for alternative solutions like looking into group hobbies and clubs.

Oh OP - how draining to be constantly on guard because your mother seems to have no concept of normal healthy boundaries.

I've had similar but not to this extent. I went down the explaining route but it was absolutely useless - in fact it made it worse. I would really advise against this. It is up to you to make sure your boundaries are protected - don't expect your mum to be able to/want to respect your boundaries just because you have stated them verbally.

I'm (we're) now very careful what we share, which was tricky at first but now it is second nature - it really does sound like that will be the easiest route to protecting your boundary of not wanting her to tag along (or suggest it) without an invitation. Outrageous statements and suggestions are, again, responded to at the time or asap - it get so much easier with practice. It is yellow rock all the way. The quote below give me strength at times:

"The only people who get upset when you start setting boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having them."

You need to let her be upset OP. You're not a bad daughter - she is emotionally immature and therefore couldn't model healthy boundaries to you, which is why you are struggling so much with them now. I had counselling for this OP - it helped enormously.

If you mum is in recovery, that should mean she accepts she is an alcoholic and that that has caused great pain for her loved ones. She should accept that her past behaviour had scarred you and left you mistrustful and wary with a need to protect yourself. She should have gratitude that you have stood by her and are offering her a future relationship, understand you need to have boundaries to that and respect them. You need an honest conversation about your need to keep back your new life as your sanctuary for your own recovery from her illness. She owes you understanding of this and I hope she has embraced sobriety enough to give it to you.

The answer is for you start reminding your mum of (a) basic manners - you wait to be invited and (b) that you have your own life - you socialise with her, and you socialise with other people, and you do not want her playing tagalong (and, frankly, I'd be surprised if the people you socialise with want it either) whenever you arrange something with someone else.

Be careful you don't lose your friends over this, because it is not fair on them to have your mum shadowing you. if I were DH's sister and me SIL's mum turned up uninvited to my party I'd be wary of inviting you again. And if I were your theatre buddy I'm be writing to MN asking how I can get it through to my friend that I don't want her mum tagging al9ng to everything.

This is the critical thing. Your letter focusses entirely on the damage she's caused you through her alcoholic relapses - when I think your primary issue is her intrusive & seemingly tone-deaf muscling in on YOUR life. The very real possibility of relapse is, to me, the secondary issue although it would of course make things much worse for you, if she has by then become unhealthily entwined in your life & affairs. I'm in recovery myself, for almost four years, so I know how much she's achieved, which is wonderful - but I also know how difficult it is to maintain sobriety. Hopefully she will continue to stay sober - but whether she's drunk or sober is almost an irrelevance to what you're needing to address with her. Inviting herself on holidays with you, & to many of your social events, is probably because she's lonely & wants to see more of you & your family after so many years of detachment & being lost in alcoholic obsession. She may even partly think that she's "making amends" to you this way. But it's intrusive to you (I would feel exactly the same way with my mum, & she barely drinks!!!), & she needs to make new friends & not become wholly dependent on you for company. My worry with your letter (& its focus on her drinking) is that she may think that if she stays sober she'll have passed her "trial" period in a year or two - & can then start coming on all holidays & tagging along to your social events! Be clear on your boundaries, & start helping her find her feet through activities, classes etc. I'm not sure if she attends AA meetings, but if not please encourage her to do so - for both friendship AND sobriety. Good luck!!

If your mum is doing a wellness journey, she has to accept your truths as well. It may not be pleasant for her or you but I think grabbing the bull by the horns is the best way. Good luck 🍀